Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

Thanks @shimmerz and @KwanYingirl

I am a little clearer today. Still mulling over the camping idea. Probably not so great for me to go so far away to the place I was thinking...at least without a human watchperson. Too many memories flooding etc. And my poor husband has enough to worry about. I will see how the week goes.

Any chance of being able to come his side of the border? Or are you set on where you want to be?

somtime, yes. But too far for me to get to. I wish I could wave a magic wand and get to where you are, with all my camping kit.

I'd volunteer for the kindness duty, but the black flies are out and I'm allergic to DEET and black fly bites.

:laugh:

my idea of camping is a five star hotel in the Carribean...

:roflmao:

 

[sun seeker]

Not hospital maybe. Camping I think. I think I need to go camping.

I wish I could read all the posts I've missed, but my state of mind right now isn't letting me. Just wanted to say I am thinking of you, and concerned. How are you today?

This intense need to go somewhere... didn't it come up last year around this time?

 

[shimmerz]

didn't it come up last year around this time?

Smart. Really smart. I think Hope and I met up a couple of weeks before the May 2-4 weekend. (that is may 24 said with an appropriate Canadian accent) NOT from May 2-4th.

 

[Hope4Now]

So, camping postponed for now. Partly because I crashed out over the past couple of days, and partly because some wiser part of myself chose to listen to the sounds of alarm in some of the people who care for me. I couldn't even pack the car yesterday even though I desperately wanted to. My body had other ideas. So, I am here.

I have decided to trust my psychiatrist on the meds bit for a trial. Maybe a month if I can stand it. Klonopin, risperidone, gabapentin. All low doses. Talked with my therapist for a while today and it was helpful. He is terribly kind and patient. And we even had a few good laughs together in the conversation which is a good thing. I am crashing and burning in so many ways, but it is good to still be able to laugh about some of it too. It lifts me out of the vortex a bit.

I have ripped apart my studio and made an unconscionable wreck which I am now attempting to sort out. Vague intention of untangling some of my inner stuff by organizing some of my outer stuff that is so in the way of me being able to do any sort of creative or healing work. My hope is, at the end of the cleanup, I will have space to do art, and space to do my yoga. I don't like doing either outside of this little room which is sort of a macrocosm of my inner world in some weird way. Nobody comes in here unless invited (except psychodoggie who barges in at her leisure and does not understand how to knock). We have no hardware on the doors in our ancient house, so in order to close them, one has to barricade. But a persistent dog generally knocks down the barricade.

Whether it is the meds or the cleaning, I'm not sure, but I am feeling a little relief from the stormy onslaught. Taking the cleanup a little at a time, and will take a rest in an hour.

I am doing whatever I can to get myself back on the rails/back on the path. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Sigh.

 

[Hope4Now]

This intense need to go somewhere... didn't it come up last year around this time?

Yes. Very smart. It did. After I got out of the hospital and before I went to the residential program. And I would have to look back at my journals from 2014 and 2013 to see if there is a pattern. Probably is.

The run pattern is there frequently throughout the year. But the camping thing...the drive to get outdoors and sleep under the stars and build fires and walk in rivers or the ocean...yes that is definitely seasonal. Probably partly from childhood (because the camping thing goes WAY back and I used to sleep out whenever I could or was granted permission to). But maybe too from past life stuff (LOL). Yes, even Mr. Famous said something about past life stuff maybe playing a role in all this intensity I deal with. And therapist. And new psychiatrist. And yoga/massage therapist. And stuff has come up in my shamanic work that makes it pretty clear I am dealing with some pretty heavy past life stuff. But truthfully right now, I have enough parts from this life to deal with, so those lingering energetic ghosts from the past will have to wait their turns. I honor and acknowledge them, but perhaps--if the theories are true--I can heal them by healing my current life parts which I am trying very, very hard to do.

So, perhaps the decision to stay put against the urge to run and camp is a good one. I will have a fire this weekend. I will go to the beach and stick my feet in the frigid ocean. I will sleep on my camp cot in my studio with the windows wide open to the air and stars. Maybe that will be enough for now. Baby steps.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I know what you mean about putting those past lives on off for awhile...Shamanism is a whole new world for me. She only meets with me once a month. And there's always heaps of material uncovered. I leave my valuables with the Indigenous folk.

Good luck with your meds. Low doses are ok as long as it's a therapeutic dose. If not, you may as well flush them. The risperdone got me off my suicidal obsession and relieved me of my deep deep depression.

Your room sounds lovely!

 

[Hope4Now]

Another rough few days with total and utter "normalcy" mixed in. I do NOT understand my system. I came within inches? minutes? of running last night...take dog, sleeping bag, and dog food and go. Sleep in car. Came so close.

Then did the strategy thing...WAIT. I waited. Like I was on some electrical current...gotta go, gotta go, gotta go. Of course it happened all after an unpleasant interaction with my husband. I waited. And waited some more. And then realized here I am again, frozen in that old place--desperate to go, but no place to go. And then I started thinking, well shit...here I am in a nice house with a bed and all my art stuff and writing stuff and so many things I want to do with my garden and etc.

And then I realized I had been hijacked yet again by a part. So I made a deal. Similar to the one that kept me here through the weekend instead of camping.

Stay here tonight and we'll revisit in the morning. I slept in my son's bed to get away from my husband's energy and his loud snoring that cut through my earplugs. I had a decent sleep through with no night issues.

Today, since I didn't run, I am overrun with the suicidal/self-destructive parts (it always seems like one or the other). But it is finally a nice enough day here (spring is very slow in coming and it has been very cold and rainy). I took daughter to school. I drove home carefully and safely. I planted pansies and some other flowers. And I went up to the studio and did some writing. I'm often okay for a while when I can get lost in some sort of activity, but the moment I stop, it all comes flooding back in and I have to start all over again.

I saw Yoda today, and will see him again tomorrow. Frustrating session because I thought I had worked out what I needed to do, but he tells me that I am in a "part". Well shit. Then finally, as I was leaving, I had the courage to say something. I think therapists call it "the doorknob" comment. I asked, "What do I do if I don't feel like I can keep myself safe?" He had a few vaguely unhelpful suggestions (which were well-intended but show either his ignorance of my current situation, or my own lack of resources). He said we can talk about this tomorrow. That this is all happening because of the work we are doing right now and it has a lot of parts very upset. Well, yes. It's true. And my kind spirit guides have their paws full with keeping these parts at bay.

I am going to rest now. I told my husband what I told my therapist because my therapist said it was important. And I suppose it is, I know it is, even though we are having a rough go of things these days. I am debating about whether to attend my writing group tonight. I have not yet read my friend's manuscript which is about to be taken on by an agent. I will have little to offer to the discussion, other than my physical presence and my sincere wishes for her success. I feel that is not enough, but perhaps it is. I also don't want being in a group to send me over the edge. I have had some rough times after leaving that group, and I have no idea at all why. But I could do without another late night on the beach. That is something I do not want to be doing. Especially as the coyotes are roaming, and the beach itself is often frequented by less than desirable people. So, we'll see. One decision at a time. Now it is time for rest.

 

[Hope4Now]

I really, really want to know what a self is.
Every time I think I have it figured out, it seems that I'm wrong. That the "self" I think I am is actually a part.

 

[Hope4Now]

I tell Yoda that if I take all these parts away, there is nothing left. There is no me. Like no actual physical me. There is a spirit me...I know that. But that me lives outside my body. He says that it is parts that make me think and feel that way. They are aiming to keep me safe. That the spirit me IS me. That it is filled with compassion and creativity and caring and all that good stuff. That it doesn't get tired or impatient, etc. But I say I don't know how to connect it all. It makes no sense to me. It's as if I have a spirit self that exists all alone out there and has only the most tenuous of connection with this physical/mental/emotional person who walks around the world doing laundry and planting gardens and caring for family beasts and humans and talking to people. Two completely different beings. And even the physical/mental/emotional person is all fragmented up in different ways. It is like there are pieces of me, of all different shapes and sizes, floating around in some invisible space and getting all mixed up with other pieces that don't go with them, and all of them are very, very confused.

I need a really good camp director to call "ollie ollie in come free" and sort things out. Okay, the green ones go over there by the big maple tree (please do not climb). The blue ones go over there by the pond (and no jumping in), etc. Then a bunch of really experienced camp counselors who can sort out the parts in the different places and make sure they all belong there, and send the ones that don't either to their appropriate group, or off into some non-camp land where they can get picked up by some other camp director.

Etc. Could go on with that crazy analogy but won't. Really.must.rest.now.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I leave my parts in lower world they are safe and content. Meanwhile the Palladians are stitching back together my soul . Be prepared to run into them on your journeys. Middle world freaked me out. The books I have are by Sandra Ingerman. I'm reading Soul Retrieval along with working with my Shaman. It did amplify my reactions to my parts but knowing they are safe and happy allows me to life clearer and not be so overwhelmed by them.
I get that running away feeling a lot I think it's a functional thing to do. Frame it in terms of a retreat to recharge your system. That's totally what we all could use. You have to fill yourself with loving kindness especially when you're feeling self destructive. You're doing a lot of work. I don't see why you haven't deserved a Momcation!!

 

[Valentino]

I really, really want to know what a self is.

Very tricky and difficult question. I'm short on time tonight and quite rusty with posting on forums. But I'll give it a shot.

There's a common model of 3 bodies of "Head, Heart, & Gut", or Thinking Mind, Feeling/Emotional Body, and Doing/Being Instinctual Survival Core. I think that parts, ego, and social identity lies somewhere between Head (separate Me) and Heart (social We) areas. The true self, lies between the Heart (Social We) and Gut (Soul, Seed, pure potential). As you go up and lighter, things get more contracted, separate, narrow, flat, orderly, lined up, etc. As you go down and deeper, things get wider, spacious, vast, empty, mysterious, quiet, slow, chaotic, etc.

A few months ago I was working on a presentation describing how 'Heart, Soul & Will' work together, and the next 4 videos are some of the best I found that briefly describe aspects of the Soul.

Eugene Gendlin's Focusing calls working with the soul 'felt sense':

I also discovered Thomas Moore's book 'Care of the Soul', he also is very good at describing intricate details & aspects of the Soul, though it doesn't seem that he fully embodies his knowledge.

 

[Hope4Now]

It's so nice to hear from you @Valentino ! Thanks for this. I'll check it out tomorrow.