Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

Oh @KwanYingirl I am feeling so much compassion for you. I have terrible dental phobia. Is there no way s/he can give you gas? Something? I forget if you are on any meds? Can you take something to take the edge off the anxiety? What about going to whole foods or some kind of herbal store and getting a homeopathic (e.g. Calms Forte) which can help a little. Also, if you can find it, get some Yogi Kava Stress Relief tea and drink a bunch before you go (it really does help...not totally but takes the edge off). Also, if you have earphones and something to play music on...I find that really helpful. Play the music really loud. Occasionally the doc will have to ask if you're okay, but mostly it lets me go into a different zone land. Also, wear really comfy clothing. Bring something soft to hold in your hands so you can fiddle with it (whether it's play-dough or a stuffed animal or something). I get all hung up and don't do these things with my dentist sometimes because I feel like he'll think I'm weird...and this is just for fillings and cleanings. But for what you're doing? WTF. Whatever helps you is most important.

The other thing you can work on is breathing (called pranayama in yoga). The one that really helps me is imagining your whole core as a vessel that will be filled with breath. As you breathe in, you fill the vessel in thirds--it comes down through the top (your throat) and fills in the bottom (your belly), and as you continue to breathe in, the vessel fills. Then, when you breathe out, you empty the vessel. Ideally more slowly than you filled it (not like a big fast sigh out). Just slowly. You can figure out your own count...mine tends to be 4 counts in and 4-8 counts out. But the key is not to force it. Just let it happen naturally. You can practice this between now and then. The longer out-breath calms the central nervous system.

And keep focusing on the end result of this work you're having done. It is so positive. And you have so much courage. You are doing a brave thing, and you are doing it for yourself. So maybe whenever you start to get nervous about the procedure, you can keep your focus on why you're doing it. You will feel so much better when it is all over. It is a time limited procedure. It will be over in a limited amount of time. You have survived far more than this. You can do this, and you will be fine. Talk to those anxious parts of you and keep reminding them that you are doing this so that everyone inside can feel better. xoxo

 

[Hope4Now]

Quick question for anybody reading this because I don't know where to post... what happened to @Chava? Why is she listed as banned? And also, where is @Eleanor? Just wondering.

I hate it when people I care about disappear. It makes me so anxious and I don't need any more anxious in my life.

 

[Hope4Now]

So yesterday was a totally bizarre day. The night before, I had a really rough time with flashback stuff, and my husband needed to help me get to bed. I think my daughter heard stuff. Mix of nightmares and flashbacks and flooding all together so I don't quite know which was which.

Yesterday the same thing happened twice. Morning was goodish. Got my daughter off to school at 6:30 AM to get on a bus for her trip. Came back here and had a good (but hard) discussion with my husband who is very worried about me and wants to know if it is okay to talk with my therapist (I said yes...I have actually encouraged him to do this in the past, and my therapist is very willing to talk with him, but for some reason my husband has not wanted to). I was able to explain some things to him more coherently than at night time when we aim to talk but he falls asleep and that triggers me and etc.

Then I went to my cranial-sacral/massage session. It was a rough go. A LOT of stuff was coming up during the cs work and my therapist (who is excellent) had to keep gently talking with me...open your eyes, look at the room, you are here at x with me, you are safe...etc.) but at one point I went so out of it that I had no idea where I was or that I even had a body and I had no idea where my therapist was...I could not feel her hands on me. That totally freaked me out and I had to sit up to see her. Then things settled a bit.

to get my new glasses. Finally, I think maybe I will have resolved all my vision issues once I get these different pairs for different things. It's expensive but it will be worth it because I will have the right combination of seeing instruments! And that along with the large computer monitor I got will maybe finally allow me to deal with my photography without so much straining. I came home after that and had lots of plans, but was feeling tired so I did the PROACTIVE thing and set my alarm for an hour to sleep.

Instant flooding/flashing, then deep sleep. Almost three hours. I dragged myself out of bed because I had something I had to get done yesterday. But I was not "on." Pretty dissociated but not enough that I couldn't drive or get my errand done. Then I came home and went at the garden for a bit. A lot of people recommend gardening as helpful and grounding. I do like gardening, but of course because of the fibro and the chronic fatigue thing, I have to be very careful about how much I do. And I did over an hour which is way too much. Came inside at around 5, collapsed on the sofa under lots of blankets because I was freezing cold. Again, instant flashing/flooding then asleep. And it lasted until 9:30 PM when my husband called the phone about seven times and I finally roused myself to answer. Through that whole time I had wild dreams/nightmares/flooding/flashbacks.

Then I got up because he was coming home. And I was still in my dirty garden clothes and needed to wash up and change into PJs for bed anyway and let the dog out (dog is very patient with me most of the time, thankfully).

And then I was all normal again. Sat and had a drink with my husband and a long and important conversation about some things going on with his father and step-mother (for whom we are generally responsible)...they are sliding into early dementia, so here we go. We're getting good at it. This will be about the 5th go-round of being responsible for relatives in various states of mental difficulty.

Anyway, it was a very strange day. I know I am on the verge of something coming blasting through from some parts. I wish it would just come clearly so I could deal with it instead of dancing around it like this in ways that are so very disruptive to my life. I am trying so hard to create a routine for myself. With healthy activities combined with gentle exercise and rest. But I simply cannot make it work. The harder I try, the worse it gets. And there's the rub. I should stop trying so hard.

But how does one stop trying? I am not wired that way.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I've been forbidden to speak about what happened to Chava. She sends her regards and misses the forum. She has a blog Somasong. Before I was silenced I posted on my diary my feelings. Sorry I can't say more or I will be banned.

 

[shimmerz]

That's a lot of pain right??

I am sorry Kwan, I have no real sense of pain. I can't answer to this. I think breathing is your best bet, as Hope has mentioned. I am thrilled that you are being proactive. It seems to me that denying one proper sedation is barbaric.

 

[shimmerz]

But how does one stop trying?

When I drove to CA, as you may know, my triggering changed in a substantial way. Dissociative behaviour changed drastically for the better. When I finally had the opportunity to soak in what had happened, I have to tell you, I was one pissed off puppy. 8 years of hardcore work and it took 2 days to shift. lol. Bitter.

I learned from that that it is good to try, to learn, to practice.... but it will come. And in the meanwhile, most of the lesson is to let go of the need for control. Trust that you are doing your best. And don't forget to enjoy rather than analyse .... the PTSD filter can destroy us too. Watch and listen to a bird and see if you can focus just on that... without the PTSD noise going on in your brain. It is just another way of obsessing.

 

[Hope4Now]

most of the lesson is to let go of the need for control

Yes, this is an important reminder. I have few issues with trying to control other people, so I always thought I wasn't a control freak. Well, clearly I am. I have HUGE issues with trying to control myself--my behavior, my speech, my emotions, etc. HUGE. Because OMG what will happen if I don't? I've seen some of what happens...and it isn't good.

So the real question for me is finding some kind of balance. I mean I cannot be sucking my fingers in public, or yelling "I don't want to go home..." or curling up with my arms in front of my face etc. That's the kind of shit (and way more) that happens when even a tiny bit of the control cracks. I think it is why when I lie down to rest or sleep a lot of stuff comes flooding out. Relaxing is dangerous. And yet, I suppose some of this stuff DOES need to come out so that I can actually have some communication with my parts. This is the big block at the moment. I just have to keep reminding myself I am here now and not then. Convince my parts that I am alive inside this body in this place and in this life I have managed to create. I am not them. They are parts of me, but they are not all me. Most of them don't understand that yet. It is a really long process. I wish it would just happen all of a sudden and the dissociative stuff would be gone. I want to live in the present!

"Present" is the first word of the mantra letters I write with sharpie on my arms to remind me. Present Fluid Fit Strong Brave True One. PFFSBTO. I like it. It gives me seven things to work on in little bits. And sometimes when I am in some bad place and I actually SEE the letters, it helps bring me back. Visuals are really important for me.

 

[shimmerz]

So the real question for me is finding some kind of balance. I mean I cannot be sucking my fingers in public, or yelling "I don't want to go home..." or curling up with my arms in front of my face etc.

This is why I make my world very very small. It would not help, as well, that you are trying to protect your daughter from seeing your reactions as well. There seems like there is no place that you can truly be who you need to be to get through this.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Ah, but can I trust myself to lead the way out? I don't have that kind of confidence. For now, I am just trying to live in the moment in case I might be disintegrating. I will be glad when tomorrow is over. Pain? What pain? Lol

 

[Hope4Now]

@KwanYingirl I will be holding you in my heart tomorrow. You will get through this. You are strong, and you can use what strategies you have to the best of your abilitiy, and then it will be all over. Much love to you.

 

[Hope4Now]

Horses again today. I've a mix of fear and excitement (=anxiety). I know because it is all new. And because I don't know the people yet. And because parts of me do not like to be observed (which the people do, very closely). But I am curious, too, what they will see. How they will see me in this setting. Because it is very different from a therapist's office...except it is a therapist. Just in a big ring in a big horse barn. So very curious.

On Wednesday night, I was blindsided by an integrating piece of memory. It blew me away. So much that I actually called my therapist at 9 PM. Told him what I realized. He seemed to think this was not new, the knowledge that my mother knew what was happening. But is IS new. Before, I only had the memory of that night, and a separate but related one from the next morning. The realization/memory connection that zapped me on Wednesday was totally different. Made sense of one piece of my mother's weirdness with me in the bathroom that never ever made sense to me (well, a lot of things she did never made sense to me--but of course when you're a little kid, and a dissociative one at that, you just kind of do what people tell you and assume that that's the way it is.

So more of all these bits and pieces seem to be floating together. It's horrible. But aside from exhausting me and sending me to bed for many hours at a time, I'm doing okay just kind of being with it. Thanking whatever part blasted through with the information. Because this is what I have been asking for--communication from parts instead of flooding by them. So a few weeks ago, this part flooded me with a memory when I was in the bathroom. Total flashback. Undid me for a while. The memory that came through the other night was directly related to that flashback--it just came through in a completely different way. A way that allowed me to not lose myself/my sense of presence (well, some, but not all). Definitely a progression here.

I have definitely turned inside out. Opened my heart a little and bazoom...I feel so raw and vulnerable. I am working very hard to take care of myself however I can. Yesterday, I did some things in little tiny steps and rested a lot. Very different from my usual mo. But I had to because I had a social event I had to attend last night and I knew I would never get through it if I didn't rest (my husband was hosting a group, so I had to be "on"). Tonight we have another event. Smaller, thankfully--a dinner and lecture. But I don't know the people we're attending the dinner with. This never used to be a big deal for me, but now, making small talk/conversation exhausts me. I can be good for an hour, but then I'm done. The problem is that these social events are never one hour. Yesterday was 7 hours by the time we drove into the city with another couple to the time we got home. I can't do this stuff very often. But every once in a while a bunch of must-dos hit... and there are three in four days this week. One down. One tonight. One Sunday night. So, I'm viewing it as an experiment...if I do mostly nothing else during the day except rest and sleep, can I get through a social event without dissociating too much or having to leave or hurting myself.

We'll see.

The peas are in. The seed trays are organized and prepared, and I will plant the seeds this morning even though it is still quite cold here. If I wait for the warm weather, I'll be harvesting in November!!! I've hung a birdfeeder and am very much enjoying the birds. And we even have a pair of doves which make me happy. I have planted flowers so the planters look nice. I've prepped the beginning of the garden, but I have not set it up yet for the actual planting...I need to build the raised beds: a task I would have once reveled in, but now feels overwhelming. I'm not sure I can even manage a saw anymore with the difficulties I have with my hands. So I may just have to get the lumber yard to cut pieces to my specs and then I can assemble them. My husband is capable of doing this, and we have lumber in the basement, but I have been asking him for two years and he will not do it. I'm not sure whether it's because he doesn't really want the garden in our yard (I used to have a community garden), or more likely, he just doesn't want to spend his own energy on it. So...screw it. I'll go to the lumberyard this week and it will be done! So there.

So good things are happening in my life along with all the yuck. I am aiming to stay focused on this. I need to laugh more. And the horses will help with this. Last week the horse kept head butting me. I'd forgotten how strong these animals are! He didn't knock me down though...and I laughed and laughed. And it felt very good. So maybe I'll get to laugh some more today. Also watched a you tube video of a river otter eating lettuce that gave me a ridiculous amount of joy. I have watched it about a dozen times. I love the zest for the moment. Here...

 

[KwanYingirl]

That's just how Annie eats Kleenex!! So cute, thank you. Now I have something sweet to think of. Have my phone loaded with drumming and rock and roll.