Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

The ISH that I have had experience with. No idea what the CIE's are as I don't identify with these through my experience at all. But the ISH.... now THAT I can tell you hundreds of stories about.

Interesting. Very interesting. The ISH and the CIE map very closely with some of the experiences I've had in visions for the past few years. I've just never thought of it this way. I want to hear some of your hundreds of stories! Really I do. You cannot imagine how hungry I am to hear other people's experiences. It makes me feel so much less crazy (I know...that sounds totally selfish. It is.)

With the ISH, the idea is that you get right to the ISH through hypnotism and the ISH will work in tandem with the therapist to unwind the trauma.

Believe it or not, this is exactly what my therapists are doing with me. Well, not the horse ones, but the others. I think because I was lucky enough to make connections with people who have a very spiritual bent. And if you investigate IFS stuff in any depth, you'd find that it is deeply spiritual. I think they just don't "advertise" that much because it would probably scare most people away. It's ME that has been working to identify parts...to try to untangle the cacophony of voices and visions so everything isn't so confusing all the time. The therapists are the ones that keep guiding me back to the ISH.

Ugggh! Sorry, monopolizing your diary here.

You are NOT monopolizing my diary. This is exactly the kind of conversation I want to have here because the general site is way too overwhelming to me. So please keep posting!

I would be super interested, if you don't mind, to know HOW your doctor knows you aren't ready to be in your body yet? Any ideas?

They don't say I'm not ready, technically. Just that becoming embodied is part of integration. And, as I said to you in my PM, when integrations happen, shitstorms often follow. And that is, I think, what has been happening. The language the IFS therapist uses is that I have parts that are very invested in keeping me separate from my body to protect me from being overwhelmed by the memories and pain of the exiled parts--because most of the memory is held somatically in my body...that has become very clear. And it makes sense, since this thing I live in (my body) is what experienced the trauma. And that if I go too fast, or override these parts without getting at least a grudging agreement to test the waters of being in my body, then all hell will break loose (as it has before to varying degrees). So I have to go slowly. Sometimes I have zero connection to body. Sometimes, with my massage therapist, I can identify one small part to be in (one day it was my right ankle bone, another day my left collar-bone, another day my left earlobe...you get the idea...just something to ground). When I can't find a place in my body, I have to find one in the room. Imagining grounding places doesn't work for me, but it does for some people. Anyway, I am not good at going slowly.

If there is one thing I have learned about myself, it is that I am an extreme person in many ways. I keep reminding myself of that "blue not blue" thing you and scout talked about (I think it was scout). But I forget things all the time.

Anyway, that's at least a short answer. Happy to talk more.

 

[shimmerz]

http://www.themystic.org/dark-night/

I appreciate this link Hope, thank you. I have just finished reading it. I flip flop these days on this 'there is a purpose for all of this suffering while others are out drinking beers on their yacht and hanging out with your children/grandchildren.' I wonder at times if it is just a means of applying hollow meaning to suffering. Other times I feel like there is a higher purpose to it. Confused. And yes, bitter. I am working on the bitter part.

I hope you are okay and that last night was more peaceful for you.

 

[Hope4Now]

I wonder at times if it is just a means of applying hollow meaning to suffering.

In my darker moments I do too. But at my core (wherever that may be located at any given time--lol--I don't believe it). And, really, even at my most cynical, I believe that even if there is no purpose in anything at all, believing there is one creates it. And that is what is important. And finding what "feels right" for us, is our life's journey. Nothing has ever "felt right" to me, so now I am on this miserable and untamed path looking for the way that works to make me feel whole.

I am in the hospital now. Was admitted at 1 AM on Sunday morning after a long wait and an apparently team battle with my insurance company to keep me here rather than send me off involuntarily to the holy hell of a city hospital where I landed last year. I am very grateful that it worked out for me to come here. I need to be in the hospital--mostly to have a place where I can let go a little and explore feeling some feelings and remembering some rememberings and integrating some things that need to be integrated without having my mean parts flood me and annihilate the body. It is a good place--almost all the people are really, really nice. It is a secure unit that specializes in trauma and dissociation. It's meant to be a co-ed unit, but apparently it is always all women (20 is the max.). It looks like a nice college dorm in a very old (maybe early/mid-19th century) building...I'm not much good at architecture, but I do know that the fireplace mantles which they've retained are magnificent.

What is nice about this place is that I am allowed to have my phone and my computer (and I earned my right to strings today which means I can charge them!). Although I am not using them for much of anything except music at the moment, it is nice to feel less cut off from the world if I choose to interact (as I am now).

Tomorrow will be interesting as I will meet my treatment "team." Because I came in on a weekend--a holiday weekend no less--there is not a lot going on and I haven't yet been assigned a therapist, psychiatrist, or caseworker. But the weekend team has been okay and are treating me well. The people here--unlike those at either of the other two facilities where I have been (not the program in AZ)--seem to understand flashbacks and wild activation, etc. And they do just the right thing. And people here actually...GASP...touch each other. Yesterday I was in a total meltdown when there was a fire alarm, and the person helping me just talked gently to me and rubbed my back, and reminded me to breathe. It was just the right thing. What a relief. Of course I could have done without the hour-long meltdown, but it felt like such a reparative experience to have this person do just the right thing. It was similar to what happened to me when I was in the program in Arizona.

I am technically going to be discharged on Thursday, according to the papers I signed, but it is possible I will be here longer. Which at this point feels kind of okay to me. I think my husband and daughter are very relieved I am in a safe place where I will not run away and where people will be keeping an eye on me so that I do not hurt myself too much. So instead of feeling guilty about choosing to come here, I actually feel like it was not only the right thing for me to do but also for them.

And yes, bitter. I am working on the bitter part.

I'm glad you're saying it's a part. It is. And it has some very legitimate gripes and feelings and things to say that need to be listened to with the gentle compassion of your heart.

Thanks, Shimmerz, for your friendship and your ongoing support. It is really important to me.

xo :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

I am so happy that you are safe, and happy, where you are at. I hope you are able to find some rest and peace my friend.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Dear Hope. It sounds like a positive placement. Best wishes and keep us posted.

 

[Hope4Now]

I'm back here in my diary again. Feeling lonely and discouraged tonight. Maybe because I had to finish my SSDI application and it brought a lot of stuff back. Maybe because I have been having this barrage of memories for the past month or so and tonight, some of the emotion of it hit. I made the mistake of trying to write down pivotal events in my life that I remember. Thinking I could do it on one or two index cards. Then all this other stuff started sticking to it and I started jotting that down too. And the more I remember, the more I realize that I have big blank spots in my history. And that is disturbing.

I don't much like being a human being. I am not strong enough to feel all the pain and suffering of this world. And even with all the astral shielding I've been doing, it seeps in or tsumamis in and takes me over still. And then there's the whole inner world. I can't get rid of that. I wish I could.

I'm in a dark place tonight. I suppose that's why I'm writing here. My little green journal just wasn't providing much outlet for me. Tomorrow is another day, though. One step at a time, one moment at a time. I am using all the skills I have, and they have definitely helped me stay alive and relatively functional (relatively speaking), but I'm still swamped and scrambled all the time.

I need an emotional weed-whacker. None of the energy work I've invested has yet to resolve this weedy issue. None of the meditation. None of the therapy. I am in a very stuck place, and have been for a long while. I am being as patient as I can be. Doing the work. Sigh. Is this really all there is to life? There has got to be some kind of light at the end of all these tunnels, above all these weeds.

I am still working on believing all this shit about my childhood, and all these symptoms are mine, and that they are real. I really struggle with this depersonalization and derealization stuff.

Oh well. That's enough I guess. Not much of an entry for my first foray back into this journal in 2 months or so.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Hi. Sorry you're struggling and sorry I didn't reach out to you. Don't you just want to wake up some morning and not have a care in the world? What's so difficult with trauma is how it invites itself to our present days. It colors everything we do in relationships, always wondering if we're safe or not and knowing we don't know the frigging difference anyway. Our bodies are trying to expel all that stored pain and rage and betrayal.
Lately, I've felt like I get more healing and calm from massage 90 minutes and reiki and Journeying with my Shaman. I just dread going to the therapist. I have nothing to say. He always makes me lead the session. So I just sit and stare out the window and go away in my mind.
When I was going through the SSDI process, my therapist said I have so many diagnoses, I'd surely be awarded benefits and I did. Most people seem to lose the first one then they get a lawyer and appeal it. You really need firm support from your docs and therapists.
Hang in there. Namaste. KYG

 

[shimmerz]

I too, feel like this world is too much. I see too much. I used to feel too much.

I, at times, am feeling the relief of a few moments of forgetting that I have PTSD. It isn't colouring everything I do these days. I wonder though if that is the distraction that is attached to a 'working life' and whether I am ready for that at this point. Damned if I do, damned if I don't kind of feeling.

I posted something not that long ago about meditation being too much for one who dissociates as a regular practice. I wonder if this is a problem perhaps?

With all of the things that it seems you are scheduling into your life to help heal, I wonder if there could be a time where you can find something to immerse yourself into, even if just for a few moments a day that are new and different than the things you held an interest in before the trauma.

I got a bunch of essential oils after I moved here and it is uniquely 'mine'. Mine after the ptsd. My NEW thing. No attachments to anything but 'my new life'. I found it was really tough to get my head out of 'I am healing mode' because it had been so focused on it for so long. But it needed a bit of a break. Is there something that you can think of/do that can be a 'new' thing that isn't all about healing?

Sorry if this is out of line or unrealistic given your situation right now hon.

Love
Shimmerz

 

[Hope4Now]

Hi! I'm much better today. Or at least distracted. Went with my daughter to a Rodin exhibit which was really interesting. Then, in my masochism, I decided to make peach jam tonight. OMG. I've never made jam before. No wonder people buy the damned stuff. I made 14 jars of it, and if I didn't sweat out all the toxins in my body, then nothing will clear me. Yikes. I hope it at least tastes good, but usually my first cooking experiments are somewhat disastrous. But I'm experimenting with canning. My husband does pickles.

@KwanYingirl thanks for the encouragement about SSDI...we'll see what happens. I'm glad you're doing good work with reiki and shamanism. Its powerful stuff. I find reiki so relaxing when I am with the right person. Shamanic journeying not so much so...I've had to stop doing that for a while because I was having a really tough time with what was coming up, and some difficulties returning from journeys. I'm hoping to try again soon, though, because I'm just one course away from getting a certificate for reiki shamanism (which sounds like such a weird thing, a certificate for healing work, but it's kind of cool anyway). I know the misery of the therapy sessions when the therapist wants you to take the lead...mine does this too. I often tell him that he needs to be more directive, because otherwise I sit there an yabber on about nothing much and don't even remember what I said, but when I leave I feel like it was a waste of time. And, of course, then we talk about that too. Sigh. Does your therapist try to bring you back when you disappear out the window?

@shimmerz your comments are always welcome and helpful. And you're right. I keep thinking about the fact that I have no clue how to have fun. Even things that might be fun I am often too intense about. Like "OK...you must have fun now. Are you having fun? Why not?" etc. This is much thanks to my mother who always dictated what should be fun and criticized or disallowed the things I did that actually were fun. Argh. At least I know intellectually where some of my garbage comes from. It's cool that you're into essential oils! I bought a bunch at Christmas and I'm really enjoying them too. It's amazing what scents can do. I use a lot of incense too, these days.

I, at times, am feeling the relief of a few moments of forgetting that I have PTSD. It isn't colouring everything I do these days. I wonder though if that is the distraction that is attached to a 'working life' and whether I am ready for that at this point. Damned if I do, damned if I don't kind of feeling.

Yes, I think working can be a distraction. Not a bad one, if you can handle it, but easy to get lost in the work (as you've described on your diary) until suddenly you find that you're crashing. This is what happened to me for the several years I tried to push through. Then the crashes got to be more hours than the working. Recently, I've found that I am suddenly able to read fiction again. I used to read 2 books a week, then for three years couldn't read a novel at all. But now, suddenly I can. But now I realize that reading novels was a form of dissociation for me, from the time I was about 8 years old. I would just disappear myself from the world into fiction. And now that I'm reading again, I realize it. Way too many hours lost in books. Yep, damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Thanks, y'all for responding. It's so nice to know you're there. I'm feeling pretty fragile and vulnerable these days (and I HATE that), and the only thing that really helps is reminding myself/my parts that I am safe now and surrounded by people who care about me. Of course, my system has yet to process this (I freaked the other night when we had a friend over to celebrate her birthday and my husband opened a bottle of prosecco and it made a big noise). Still in trauma mode. It is shocking for me to begin to see how many things trigger me to switch. But the fact that I am starting to see it--even if it's too late to stop it--is good.

Oh, and @shimmerz my psychiatrist said something last week to me when I was talking about the body freeze stuff (catalepsy/catatonia)...that it is about ambivalence. I thought that was interesting. Wondering if that resonates with you? I know it does for me. I think it happens to me for different reasons sometimes, but one of them is when different parts are vying for control, and a really young one gets hold of the body, and a manager one gets the mind, and their sort of locked in battle until I either collapse into a passout or total dissociation, or I pull it together and continue with whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing.

 

[shimmerz]

But now I realize that reading novels was a form of dissociation for me, from the time I was about 8 years old. I would just disappear myself from the world into fiction.

Jesssssus! I NEVER thought of this! I get it now! Thank you.

body freeze stuff (catalepsy/catatonia)...that it is about ambivalence. I thought that was interesting. Wondering if that resonates with you? I know it does for me.

This was a big part of my 'corner session',. Recognizing that the freeze comes from internal survival conflict that turns into chaos (ambivalence doesn't seem a strong enough word).

It was knowing that I had to get to the door - to leave - but couldn't - and the shame involved in that - I have no recollection of ever having felt anything like that before. It is knowing that I was going to die if I made one wrong move. It was feeling, in every cell of my body, my body systems shut down because it HAD to in order to live. And in that it brought peace to my body but chaos to my mind.

 

[Hope4Now]

@shimmerz thank you for sharing this. What a horrible experience this is. I know. Because this describes so perfectly what happens to me as well. I am so sorry it happens to you. It shouldn't have to happen to anybody. Because it is an ongoing reaction to what was done to us by others a long time ago. And we are still suffering from the past.

internal survival conflict that turns into chaos (ambivalence doesn't seem a strong enough word).

It was knowing that I had to get to the door - to leave - but couldn't - and the

It is knowing that I was going to die if I made one wrong move. It was feeling, in every cell of my body, my body systems shut down because it HAD to in order to live. And in that it brought peace to my body but chaos to my mind.

 

[Hope4Now]

I have been reading my old journals. I am partway through journal #2 of 14. I have tried many times to do this, but finally in the past weeks, I have been able to do it. To put aside the ideas of writing some sort of book, of "making something" of my experience, and instead just to read with an open mind and the fragile little hope that perhaps reading about my experiences from the past three years will help me in this grueling process of integration.

What I am finding out is that I seem to still be writing the same things. Over and over again. Perhaps with a little more knowledge and awareness now. Perhaps with a little more self-acceptance. But the same things. As I read, I can see this person who wrote this stuff circling around and around and around the same issues, the same pain as it emerges in all its different ways for different parts. And it's pretty clear there are parts. Some are sort of half integrated, and some are seemingly from someone else's experience altogether. I am still having a hard time accepting this about myself. Still having a hard time acknowledging that the things I "remember" in flashbacks not only are real, but belong to me. To my experience. To my past.

And I can see already, only this far into my journals, that "healing" is a spiral process. That when we are fragmented and stuck in various parts of our own pasts, we have to keep revisiting them over and over again. Hopefully each time with a little more awareness that we're actually not still stuck inside the trauma. That there is an objectively real world of the present. That with support and strategies we can gradually learn how to live in this present as a whole person who is living in a very different reality than our past.

It is mind-bendingly bizarre. When I'm able to get a little access to my SELF energy, a little space from the parts that live my life, it makes me dizzy. Like being trapped in a maze of funhouse mirrors. Being inside my body makes this happen. My SELF does not like to inhabit my body. I quickly get blended with child parts who have overwhelming feelings of horror and terror and feel trapped with no escape.

Terrified and trapped and totally confused. Yep. That's how I feel whenever I connect with my body.