Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

I used to have a recurring dream.

Wow that is an intense dream. Anybody who eschews dreams as not reflecting the deepest issues of our psyches is way off base.
Talk about a double bind. Shit. No wonder you woke up freaked.

I give up control completely.

And I am positive that this is what lies at the bottom of my fawn response. I need to make a decision. I can't be standing on that wobbly platform anymore. I require stability. And nobody else is going to provide it except me.

As horrifying as that is, I'm coming around to thinking that perhaps giving up control is the one thing that is going to make us heal better and faster. Not as in giving up control to someone. But rather more in the buddhist idea of nonattachment. Allowing the part of ourself who sees being in control as the only safe option to soften some, and to see that really we can't control much and the more we fight it and try, the harder we make things for ourselves.

I remember in a short stint I did in Adult Children of Alcoholics, they borrowed the saying from AA--"Let Go and Let God." I never understood this at all, and it seemed like a dangerous thing to do given that God as I then understood him was not a particularly trustworthy being. But now, in a different place on my life path, and with a completely different spirituality opening up to me, I find myself revisiting this axiom with a new level of understanding.

It doesn't mean giving up. It maybe just means tending to the things that can be tended to (the wobbly platform) in ways that are nurturing to ourselves, in ways that create space for healing, and just resting in that. Loosening up the vice grip we have on our lives so that we can be open to good things. Maybe even...gasp...joy, or a sense of trust, or hope.

 

[Hope4Now]

This was in response to @sun seeker but I'm jumping in too.

I am wondering if with the manipulation there are not attachment issues though?

I think any of us that have issues with trust and safety have major issues with attachment--wherever they came from. And the only way those issues can begin to heal is through relationship with people who genuinely care about us, even if they aren't perfect, or even if they have their own attachment issues that rear up sometimes. Because we have to attach to some being, or we just shrivel up and die. Severely disrupted attachment is a bit like living in solitary confinement. And when we start to come out a little and risk the trust, it feels so very raw and painful that we just want to crawl back into solitary again because it feels safer. But it's not (unless, that is, we're attaching to people who hurt us).

I know they sent me off to do equine therapy so I could attach to the horses. But I am truly at a point in my own life where I need to attach to people...especially people who have resolved their own attachment issues. So, Yoda gets to be the one for me. And then, from there with him as my safe-enough base, I can continue to work on my other relationship challenges, and on helping the parts of myself attach better. (LOL, my parts have all their own attachment problems! which is, I guess, why I've determined that my attachment style is totally disorganized).

Oh dear I am rambling good today. It's been a screwy day for me emotionally. I am going to take a nap.

Hopefully I didn't say anything that put people off. I don't think I did. (I think maybe I am one of the weird people who does not go back to read what I wrote because if I did I would delete it all and would never interact on this forum!)

 

[shimmerz]

Hopefully I didn't say anything that put people off.

Nope, no putting off in this corner!

 

[aut555]

@aut555 I am glad your daughter has done well. I'm so sorry you stayed in an abusiv...

My abusive ex is trying to get out of alimony by dragging out this divorce. But on the postive of all of this, l moved far far (unicorn land) away from the exorcist trauma manpie, and l have exciting plans to reunite with my mom as soon as he exits out of court system. Thank you so much for asking. (2+ years waiting for divorce)

 

[aut555]

This was in response to @sun seeker but I'm jumping in too.


I think any of us tha...

Very nicely put. Still, l respect people who need to be alone also. I have been in relationships, but l have spent a lot of my life alone. And l have very good memories of being by myself and enjoying the minute or action or inaction of that time. Relationships are secondary to people like me. Maybe l am a loner but l can walk on both sides of the path.

 

[Hope4Now]

I too am a loner introvert and prefer to spend most of my time alone, @aut555. In fact I'm usually desperate to escape from people, as so much of my life is people-oriented. I've discovered something interesting recently, however. My wish came true in the convoluted and not-quite-what-I-had-imagined way that granted wishes so often do. I find myself living in a tiny cottage at the beach (one of my life fantasies), with approximately 12 hours per day by myself. This has only been the case for around 3 weeks. And while I am LOVING it and breathing many sighs of relief, I've also found that it isn't quite as totally good for me as I had thought. I do kind of need people (the right kind of people, those I can connect to in some way). I've quickly discovered that although I fantasize about being a hermit, it only suits me for a certain amount of time (much longer than most people, I think). But I'm finding that too much time alone and I start kind of losing touch with reality, and I get more dissociated than usual. And while in the past, I might not have recognized this, I do now. And it's not such a good thing for me. So while I often feel like an alien when I'm around other people, I think I get more alien-like when I'm by myself for too long. :alien:. Who knew? So, for me, small doses of connection with people are really contributors to my mental health. I've had to give up my fantasy that if only I could live alone on a desert island, I would be happy. I wouldn't. (Well, maybe for a couple of weeks...). So, once again in my life, I have come to realize how easily I delude myself. Argh.

 

[Hope4Now]

So...today the rubber hits the road. It is time for me to actually DO some creative work instead of just thinking about it. Time to do the sloggy work of getting my galleries ready to upload onto my website, and to work on the book. These are the two concrete projects I've set for myself. And I have zero excuse to keep avoiding them.

Except that it terrifies me.

I have everything I could possibly need to do this work. All the pens and paper and paint and sculpture materials and computer software and space and time. And I find I am still struggling.

Because parts of me are very terrified to pursue my artistic work. I've known for a while that some of my traumatic background is mixed up with my art, but I never thought that was what was stopping me. I always thought, "Oh, if I only had time." or "Oh, if I only had access to the right materials." Etc. Well, I have all that now, at least for the next six weeks or so, but possibly through May. And I am still so stuck.

Somehow ended up talking about it for a whole therapy session yesterday. A session in which I got pretty wildly activated. Yoda knows this is what I want and need to do, and he is ever-so-encouraging. But wow, it really hit me hard yesterday that I'm going to have a lot of inner work to do if I am to actually take steps to being the artist and writer I want so much to be.

I thought that when some of my pieces were accepted into a juried show this past summer, it would get me over the terror. It didn't. It helped a little, I guess. Fed the dream a little. But at the same time terrified me even more. Because OMG some people actually judged my stuff as being acceptable to be seen. Geez.

So Yoda's take on this current twisty terror is that it relates to my phobia about being seen generally. Yep. He's right. He kind of blew me away with that obvious connection that I was not able to see.

So I promised myself I would complete one gallery for the website, and spend one hour mapping the book this weekend. But I haven't done squat yet, and here I sit on the forum! Working myself up to looking at the photos and importing them into photoshop to crop and prep for upload. I spent the morning shopping with my daughter and taking her to lunch. After I dropped her at school, I wandered into what I thought was an art gallery but turned out to be an artist's cooperative as well. And after talking to the artist there for a while, he encouraged me to join so that I could exhibit there. OMG. So suddenly here I am with the time to create art and an easy-peezy ready-made venue to exhibit. Really? Is the universe this synchronous? I think maybe it is when I can get into the right frame of mind.

So, here goes.

 

[Hope4Now]

I did it. I started. Made one very small gallery (10 photos) that, hopefully I saved in the right image sizes to upload into my web gallery. Whew. I can do this. One baby step at a time. I don't have to make ALL the galleries NOW. I can do a little at a time. What a bizarre concept. I'm not so good at "a little at a time." I'm good at telling other people to do this, but not good at following my own advice. Because of course I should be able to do it ALL NOW. Hurry. Rush. Urgent. Hmmm. Wonder where that comes from? Not.

I am going to stop now, too. Wow. What has come over me? Am I suddenly learning to respect my own process? I hope I can remember tonight's lesson.

 

[shimmerz]

Huge congratulations to you my dear friend. I can definitely relate. Being seen again is terrifying. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

The cult style manipulations many times are based on double binds that are based on morally based connection issues that force one to see others as more important aren't they?

Double binds, yes. And totally based on manipulating people based on attachment. I'm not sure I'm following you on the part about seeing others as more important though.

 

[sun seeker]

Post deleted. :( Sorry.

 

[shimmerz]

seeing others as more important though.

That you/your body is insignificant - because the torturous mental stuff trumps it all. And the I am thinking the double binds are engineered to make everyone else more important to you than you are.