Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

I don't care who is reading this and if they think I'm nuts.

• Fact 1: At least four people who are clued into chakras and energy have commented on my issues with my throat chakra.
• Fact 2: I have major issues with boundaries...where I end and others begin. Mostly, I thought, this was issues with taking on other people's energy. But I'm pretty sure I have issues with not blocking my own energy from merging with others'.\
• Fact 3: I have always believed I am poisonous to other people. Much of my caretaking part aims at trying to make up for this or block it.

Today, a whole slew of things hit me. Coincidence? I don't think so.

• Fact 1. Two years ago I had a bad strep throat. Finally went and got an antibiotic. On the chiropractor's table, had a vision of disgusting snakes emerging from my throat. Felt better an hour later. In subsequent times, as body memories and other visions came, I have had issues with inexplicable redness in my throat area, and gagging, and vomiting.
• Fact 2. My massage therapist came down with a bad strep throat several hours after a particular intense session of energy work and massage with me.
• Fact 3. The last time I went to my Alexander teacher, and there had been some really weird shit that came up during the session (of which I believe he was totally unaware), I noticed as I was talking with him on his porch afterward that his throat was bright red.
• Fact 4. For two years or so, my husband has had a terrible cough. It gets very intense at times. So intense that he just had a chest x-ray and is on prednisone for throat irritation.
• Fact 5. My mother has thyroid cancer.
• Fact 6. My daughter has developed an inexplicable brown mark on her throat.
• Fact 7. My therapist had surgery today to remove a cancerous mole from his throat.

I need to:
a) learn how to block my energy so that I do no harm to others.
b) learn how to help others clear their energy after they have been with me.

 

[Hope4Now]

I had another realization tonight.

The part of me that fully believes I deserve to suffer and die and would like to have me kill myself is stopped only by the caretaker part who refuses to let me do that to the people who are unfortunate enough to love me.

• My father tried to kill himself when I was 9 or 10 years old. In spite of everything, it felt like the ultimate betrayal and abandonment.
• My father killed himself in a passive suicide 7 years ago. One week after I insisted that he speak with me about his finances and his end-of-life wishes (he was 80 years old). My mother called me instead of the ambulance when she found him half alive. I got there before the ambulance. It all sucked.
• Two of my best friends from high school killed themselves.
• One of my favorite students killed himself.
• Two good college friends killed themselves.

I will not kill myself. It's good to know why, though.

I wonder if I will be able to heal from this thing.

 

[Hope4Now]

That f*cking video I posted has continued to haunt me.
Partly because it resonated with my hospital experience so much.
Partly because if this is was DID is, then I have it. Big time.

I want to know WHO the woman psychiatrist is. Is she the ANP to all the EPs? Is she a protector part who is rallying the forces so he can get released from the hospital? Is she the larger SELF? How is she different from Daniel? Is Daniel anything at all besides the sum of his parts? Does he exist except in the form of a body who hosts all these parts?

Ugh. Going down the rabbit hole.

Need to take seroquel tonight. Obviously. It has been a shit day even though I did most of the things I set as goals this morning.

 

[shimmerz]

I don't care who is reading this and if they think I'm nuts.

I absolutely do not think you are nuts. And I should know!

I want to know WHO the woman psychiatrist is.

It was a twist for sure. I believe, because her voice was stronger than the others, that she was actually a 'new' protector part for him. I don't know what you think about that.

You may not be able to take much in tonight, but I am here for you if you need me.

 

[Hope4Now]

Thx @shimmerz. I'm actually okay-ish. Just activated a lot. Am going to take meds and try to go to bed.
Thank you for not thinking I'm nuts. I need to figure this thing out. I am kind of freaked out by this. Talked to massage therapist about it...she said she did not cleanse well enough afterward. But she knows how. Talked to husband about it. I think he is cautiously listening. Has no clue how to clear energy. Neither does my daughter. I hope my therapist does. I will need to talk with him about this tomorrow. I hope he has somebody who can do something for him beyond the surgery today. Ugh.

 

[shimmerz]

Has no clue how to clear energy. Neither does my daughter.

Your shaman can help with this one hon.

 

[Pietro]

So, I cut the seroquel out.

Usually, you have to ween off of it. It's not as bad as an SSRI, which can take months to ween off of, but stopping it suddenly can cause some really bad side-effects -- which you may have gotten. :)

I told my therapist I was going to stop. He seemed alarmed. He said, "Well if you don't take that you have to take something." I think he's probably right. I think it is helping my mind, but I can't put all that weight back on. I just can't. Blah!!!

Seroquel, and the class of drug to which it belongs, are very strong and, in some people, have significant weight-gain side-effects. My daughter takes it, but only a small amount. There are a number of other drugs you could look into: Clonidine and Guanfacine, for example,are supposed to reduce sympathetic nervous system arousal; they also help with sleep.

And I think he actually loves me for real. Not just for himself and what I can do for him, which is what my parents loved me for. I'm beginning to realize this last bit. A lot of parts of me have a hard time believing that. But it's true.

It is hard coming to the realization that your parents were not what they should have been -- devastating, even, especially when you begin to sum all of the damage they caused. But, in the end, you will finally gain independence from them. You'll stop feeling constantly beholden to them, and start being able to express better boundaries and feel good and confident doing so. I'm about 1/2 way there with this. Still have some confidence/assertion issues, but I'm working on it. :)

But I have to be careful too, because I know that as soon as I start in with expectations about my work, the joy vanishes and I just shut down.

This is a HUGE part of my inhibition regarding artistic activities. Probably what really ruined any chance I had to make a career as a musician.

But then, why do I care anyway. If I am producing stuff that I like, that should be enough. And to hell with them if they don't like it.

Good attitude. :)

The part of me that fully believes I deserve to suffer and die and would like to have me kill myself is stopped only by the caretaker part who refuses to let me do that to the people who are unfortunate enough to love me.

Pretty much the same for me. Not sure if I'd kill myself or not, if I didn't have my kids around -- but it would be a lot easier to do.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Pietro, thanks for the info about seroquel. I am on an extremely low dose. It does help. But I am now up 10 pounds already. Argh. Yes, I will be careful. Will wean instead of skipping.

I am in a really scrambly place this am. I did take the med last night, and I did sleep. Heavily. Had a nearly impossible time getting up this morning even after 6.5 solid hours. I have the med hangover. Feel like I've had too much to drink. I suppose because it has calmed my nervous system down. It is supposed to do that. I am guessing that this is what a lot of people feel like on a daily basis...but it feels really uncomfortable to me. Like I've been drugged. Ha ha.

All this stuff is flipping me out about meds again. I will stay on the Prozac for the time being, but I think nothing else. Once you start on one thing, it feels like all the psychiatrists do is prescribe additional things.

 

[Hope4Now]

It is a gorgeous day. My new tent and cot arrived. I want to take off NOW. But I won't.
I am to plant herbs and veggies today, but I feel like I am high and just want to go lie down. Which I will.
Thinking I should cancel my therapy appointment, but really I should go when I am like this. Ugh.
Debating about talking to him about all this energy stuff. Probably won't. Well, maybe. Not sure.

 

[shimmerz]

My new tent and cot arrived.

WOOOHOOOOO! Go girl go!

 

[shimmerz]

I mean, don't 'go' (as in leave), but 'go' as in keep up the great momentum! *heavy sigh*. One day I will grow my brain back! :sorry:

 

[Hope4Now]

One day I will grow my brain back!

Maybe you ought to consider other options. I like you just the way you are.