Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

You deserve to be a peace - before you keel. Like, right now.

:laugh::laugh: I like that, Shimmerz. Thank you. Yes. Need it now.

Mine are snakes, not hooks. Working on cleansing. Had another nice vision. Well...not so nice actually, but helpful in relation to cleansing.

I normally lease out my sabre, but for you, my friend. Free. For as long as you need it. Practice swinging it around when thinking of those things that hook you into her energy.

Thanks :). I might take you up on the offer. Right now, using water and fire. Water, literally. Fire, metaphorically with both sage and visualization. I think I need to do this about 25 times a day.

Oh, God. Then they'll think I'm OCD. :roflmao::roflmao:. Like handwashing. :wtf: Can't win.

 

[Hope4Now]

I read your post and had much the same reaction as your therapist.

This is helpful. Thank you.

I'm hearing a new energy in you, a new determination.

Yes. I think I am beginning to unearth a tiny, fragile bit of hope that perhaps I can survive outside of the vortex I've lived in all these years. That perhaps there is something left. That perhaps I might persuade that something that my body is good enough housing for it for this little jaunt in this existence.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am like an animal born and bred in a zoo. Something has allowed my cage to spring open slightly.
I am cowering in the linonleum corner, covered in shit, matted and smelly.
The idea of coming out terrifies me.

What is out there? How will I survive?

But the air out there seems so clear and fresh. There is space.
There is grass. Trees. Sea. Sky.

Maybe others like me.

 

[shimmerz]

Maybe others like me.

I can so relate to this right now Hope. It is frightening.

Socrates Allegory of the Cave comes to mind every time I get this feeling. Which is a ton lately. For me, it comes when I am presented with choices. Why are choices scary?

 

[Hope4Now]

Time for the bat cape.
And the Star Wars shield.
And the armor.
Time to pull my vunlerable parts into my turtle shell. Tortoise shell. Not sure which works better. Maybe turtle because at least SHE doesn't like to swim.
Time to rally my energy...hide it all away under the shields so she can't steal it.

If I'm doing all this mindfully, that means I'm not dissociating, right? I'm just protecting myself?
I can do that????:wideeyed::wideeyed::wideeyed::wideeyed::wideeyed::wideeyed::wideeyed:

We'll see.

Part of me (that nasty ANP) is :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: at all the scared parts.

I mean, really? I'm driving 20 minutes to pick her up, go grocery shopping, buy some trousers, eat lunch, and return.
What...WHAT the HELL is so hard about this.

 

[shimmerz]

Because it sounds like you need to be brave and that she pushes many of your buttons. You are working your way out though. I can 'feel it in my bones'. :D

 

[Hope4Now]

I am here waiting for her. She does more than push my buttons. She sucks the soul out of me and all the joy out of life.

Oh here she is. Sigh.

 

[Pietro]

The mother called at 6 AM...

The fact that you can now refer to your mother this way is extremely HUGE. It demonstrates that you've already begun the process of separation, and of standing-up for yourself as an individual.

I'm hearing a new energy in you, a new determination.

I agree, there's much different. Out of the fire and chaos comes the rebirth. Amazing to witness. :) Hoping I see changes like this in myself, someday.

What...WHAT the HELL is so hard about this.

She does more than push my buttons. She sucks the soul out of me and all the joy out of life.

You answered your own question. :)

You can't change her, can't save her. She has chosen her path and rigidly refuses to consider alternatives. She is terribly damaged, and has built an impenetrable armour of narcissism as a result, one that prevents the ability to listen to others and to recognize them as individual beings with wants and needs aside from her own.

But you can -- and are -- changing yourself, and your relationship with her. You said that you can't parent yourself, but you are doing just that. You are able to manage all of that inner chaos to help your mother with these tasks. Profoundly impressive the strength this demonstrates.

My mother does much the same to me. She's like a child who wants, and demands, to be taken care of. She continually tries to make the self-caused turmoil of her life become part of my life. Unconsciously, no doubt, but it's been like this all her life, and all of my life knowing her. And if anyone disagrees with her point-of-view, then comes the anger and the truly infantile behavior.

We just have to remember that we are the ones doing the care-taking, now, and that our parents are in deep trouble without our assistance. We have to set rules, and get them to internalize that if they alienate us through bad behavior, we will no longer just stay and take it -- we'll leave and let them deal with life on their own. I have something like this I have to deal with, today, in fact, regarding my mother. :)

 

[Hope4Now]

My mother does much the same to me. She's like a child who wants, and demands, to be taken care of. She continually tries to make the self-caused turmoil of her life become part of my life. Unconsciously, no doubt, but it's been like this all her life, and all of my life knowing her. And if anyone disagrees with her point-of-view, then comes the anger and the truly infantile behavior.

Sigh. I am so sorry. Yes, my mother is like a child. And I am not, cannot be, and do not want to be her mother :wideeyed:.

 

[Hope4Now]

I survived it.
The bat cape and the various other armor seem to lose their power after about 1.5 hours. Less when she is in top form, but she wasn't today. Other than the fact that now that she has finally agreed to use a rollator walker, she insisted on coming into the grocery store with me, so the excursion lasted 4 hours and we didn't even get to buy trousers. And I kept having to go find her in the store. Bonus though...I got to drop her off at the door to her building because the groceries fit nicely on the seat of the walker! So I didn't have to go up with her. Yay. That would have been another 30 minutes. I drove home totally scrambled up but with driving and directional powers intact.

Something inside of me happened and after. A whole bunch of things actually. Scary but I think kind of good too...not sure. Progress maybe.

I have noticed lately that my parts are more verbal inside me. A lot more verbal. While this makes me feel like I am going MORE insane than I already am, my t seems to think it is a good thing. Well, he didn't say good. But he didn't seem overly alarmed by it either.

Today, while scrambled up, two parts who did not even know of each other's existence around a month or two ago (well, one did, but the other didn't know that part)...they were arguing today. Full force interaction. Fascinating. I was able to just listen and watch. Without judging myself or my parts. In IFS it would be called with "curiosity." (I think I was pretty much lacking the "compassion" part, but my t says that all the 8 Cs don't have to be there all the time. So, I've got that going for me. Ha.

It was quite informative actually. Then I got home and climbed into bed. Slept for a bit and woke flooded with one of the parts, but only around 80% give or take (These things are accurately measurable, of course :meh:. Enough that I could sort of be present simultaneously in some semblance of SELF. That part showed me a hell of a lot today. Oh my. And I thought the memories were over. :wideeyed::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wideeyed::wideeyed::yuck::spitdummy::ninja:.

At least parts are starting to believe each other a little more. And I am awake and it is only 6:30 PM. Feeling much more centered. Good music playing downstairs. Keep breathing.

Thanks, you guys, for your encouragement today... @Pietro, @shimmerz, and @sun seeker . I am deeply grateful. It really helps. I think I AM getting better, although it doesn't really look like it. I think the inside stuff is starting to leak out. Wish I had a psychic vacuum cleaner, but I think the "cleansing" process is going to take a long while and a lot of patience.

It might be tolerable with friends like you. :hug: :hug::hug: x 10 to the cubed. I can't write math equations to express exponential love here. But you get the idea and the energy. :cool::p

 

[Hope4Now]

Oh. New name for HER. I like this linguistic separation. It's good for my parts. :)
SHE WHO MUST BE SURVIVED, TOLERATED, & TREATED with SEMI-GRUDGING RESPECT for her HUMANITY.
SWMBSTTSGRH...okay, that's way too long.

SWMBS for short. The rest is implied.

 

[Pietro]

Today, while scrambled up, two parts who did not even know of each other's existence around a month or two ago (well, one did, but the other didn't know that part)...they were arguing today. Full force interaction. Fascinating. I was able to just listen and watch. Without judging myself or my parts. In IFS it would be called with "curiosity."

You can actually hear your parts tallking to / arguing with each other?! Wow. I've never had that experience. I don't think -- maybe I just wasn't paying attention?

I have definitely been "of two minds" (and sometimes more). For example, when getting out of bed in the morning, I'll feeling like getting the day started and moving, while simultaneously feeling a desire to shut-down, stay sleepy, etc. I've even had experiences where I experienced two opposite emotions simultaneously, like happiness and sadness. That really freaks me out. ;)

Maybe there's inter-part dialog going-on in these situations that I just haven't recognized as such.

Sigh. I am so sorry. Yes, my mother is like a child. And I am not, cannot be, and do not want to be her mother :wideeyed:.

Sorry your trip with your mom wasn't easy or quick, when both of these things would be ideal. :) But sounds like you struck a better balance between her needs -- to get out and walk -- and yours -- to get out of there as fast as possible.

I agree with you -- under no circumstances should you become her parent -- even if you did want to. Which would be bad. :D You can help and support her, but you can't make decisions for her. I won't do it for my mom. I keep telling her, when she says she doesn't know what she's going to do about something, that she has to be the one to make the decision. And she's made some pretty bad decisions based on emotion, not reason, like quitting her job today without having anything else lined-up. I counseled her to have something in the works first, but she refuses to listen. I probably could have tried to cajole her into not quitting, but that doesn't really work -- and then she gets resentful and claims that I convinced her to stay in the job, where she's miserable. In short, I become responsible for her problems and misery, not her. Good trick, eh? :) So, with today's decision, she now has to bear whatever consequences occur; I'm not going to do it anymore.