Strange Star

[Deleted member 12723]

Mudlarking, never heard of that one before. I love to collect driftwood and sea shells to make mobiles with.

 

[Pietro]

Drumming. I LOVE IT but it brings up icky stuff too.

While a number of items on your list are appealing, I think this one would be number one for me. I have two issues with doing this, though:
1) I don't really have the room for a drum kit (which is what I'm really interested in).
2) I don't really need another solitary activity; I already have enough of those.

I'm sorry this is one of the "icky" items for you -- in fact, I'm really sorry so many of these items are icky. Not fair, by a long-shot. Maybe you can begin to un-icky some of these items, one by one, and reclaim your childhood. :) I'd love to reclaim my childhood, somehow.

 

[Hope4Now]

Mudlarking, never heard of that one before.

It's where you put on boots and take a shovel or other digging implement, and dig in the muck of a river or harbor to look for surprises from the past. It is well-known enough along the Thames in England, that I understand one must procure a license for it. Here, however, most have never heard of it. I live in a city that has been a port harbor since the 17th century and all sorts of fascinating things wash up.

I'm a shell and driftwood fanatical person too. I always think I am going to make something with them, but I don't. Drives my husband mad with all the buckets of stuff I drag back from the various beaches. I am working on being more discerning :).

I collect rocks too. Cool rocks only. Not like a real rock collector. All from beaches or rivers. I collect heart-shaped rocks too. My daughter just found one she had saved for me from camp. So sweet! Carried it all through the mountains as she was hiking. It is the best heart-shaped one I have. Best present ever.

I wish I could see your mobiles! Maybe I could get inspired :).

 

[Hope4Now]

Maybe you can begin to un-icky some of these items, one by one, and reclaim your childhood.

Yes, I'd like that.
How about a drumming circle? It's not rock and roll drums, but it has the visceral rhythms that do good things for the soul???

 

[Hope4Now]

My parts appear to now be talking to Yoda directly. This is good. I think. It is very, very strange to hear things coming out of my mouth that come out. It makes me feel totally crazy.

After I leave I have to sit somewhere safe and quiet for around 20 minutes and just let things settle, but then I feel better. I am not yet a good translator for parts...too much editing happens before anything leaves my mouth I guess.

I wrote things on index cards and showed him today. Some things I could not say out loud but that parts wanted him to know. I don't know why this direct access stuff is working, but it is. Parts are beginning to feel heard without having to completely hijack me. I think this is some sort of modeling for me of what I need to do for myself eventually. Because we came close to solving a problem today!

Instead of going to sleep as I usually do after. Instead I am going to ride the stationary bike. See if I can de-frag AND exercise at the same time. Wouldn't that be nice.

 

[Hope4Now]

No bike today. Mom fell. They think she broke her hip. Will not survive a surgery. Time for the big decisions. So instead...at at Bruce Cockburn concert. Denial anyone.

 

[Eleanor]

HOW COME I HAVEN"T BEEN GETTING NOTIFICATIONS OF THIS?????

Ok, but here I am. And catching up but OMG Hope, I am so so sorry to hear about your mother. There is nothing else to do right? So why not go to a concert and check out. Sounds, I don't know, healthy? to me. What's the alternative? Sit in an uncomfortable chair at the hospital?

FWIW (and it may not be worth much) I'd stick with the sleep after de-fragging. Your brain needs the chance to clear out the waste products from so much activation and to grow new connections. Sleep is good.

High protein low carb is much much easier eating meat. That is how I need to eat. My body Does Not Like refined carbs. At ALL these days. Sigh.

It sounds like you are doing awesome work...

Oh and on the play front - my daughter L got a new app for the tablet Magic Piano - and for a former piano player such as myself it is really really fun.

 

[Hope4Now]

HOW COME I HAVEN"T BEEN GETTING NOTIFICATIONS OF THIS?????

Hi @Eleanor! Nice to see/hear from you! The diaries have different notification algorithms than everything else, apparently. I have big long misses of key things folks have posted in their diaries. Very frustrating. On the diaries, it doesn't seem to matter if you are following someone.

Magic Piano

Way Cool! I'm so glad. What fun!

All diet off today. For early eve, I had chardonnay with my cleaning lady in between calls from hospice and the doctor (who are in complete disagreement about what to do). Then, husband and one child returned from VT with lots of stuff. I had Bugles. (Yes, you read that correctly. Circa 1970s Bugles. They still exist.) And martini. Then, last minute excursion to Bruce Cockburn. Where I had another glass of wine and popcorn. :banghead::banghead::banghead:

Not a good night diet-wise or any other-wise. Hospice ladies taking care of mother. Will go see her tomorrow in the morning. Being nice to myself (at their suggestion) and home with husband. What a mess. Feel like it is all my fault. But, of course, it is not. Trying to get aggravated parts on board with that.

How are you? I've missed you. It has been a completely wiggy 3 weeks and I haven't even searched you on the site.

 

[Eleanor]

I had a pretty good last three weeks - I was back east at a conference and then visiting family. It was a good visit overall - got lots of time at the beach. My daughter and I were in a protracted power struggle over school work and... something else I don't quite understand. But we survived. And she will not be advocating for being home schooled again any time soon I think.

Today, however brought everything down. My H ... went totally into "everything is bad and has been for years and it will never get better and it is all your fault and you won't admit it, and you are happy only when I am unhappy" mode. And i lost it. Totally and completely lost it. Screamed accusations and obscenities at him - for some time. I am totally ashamed. And... this may well be the end of our marriage. If he goes thru with divorcing me this time or not, I may do. It seems kind of stupid not to, frankly. He doesn't think there is any reason for me to feel emotionally unsafe around him. Because he would never say anything hurtful or accusatory or blaming to me. Or, like, threaten divorce. Except that he's done it once a month for the last four months. But I'm the one who is being unreasonable for feeling insecure and unsafe. Right. Because I fear things that don't really happen. Except they do. So.

Maybe I'm just an idiot and this has always just been an abusive relationship and I just convinced myself it wasn't.

Sorry. Hijacking your diary.

I hope you had a good time at the concert, and then home. Yes! Bugles still exist! and every so often indulgence in the face of emotional overwhelm is ok. The doc thinks they should treat your mother? And the hospice folk think you should just keep her comfortable?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hope, I think having Hospice for your mom is the right choice, given the alternative. Be strong with the doctor. I had to go through this with doctors I disagreed with about my son when he was in a coma from a bad motorcycle accident. He died quite peacefully and in my heart I know that we made the right choice. He would have hated living like a vegetable had he had the surgery. It is a very tough call, but I had Hospice with my husband and he died at home surrounded by family.

I think that with Hospice workers keeping your mom comfortable is the right choice. I wish you the best in this seeming impossible situation. Many hugs.

 

[Hope4Now]

Sorry. Hijacking your diary.

I don't feel hijacked! Just communicated with.

And i lost it. Totally and completely lost it. Screamed accusations and obscenities at him - for some time. I am totally ashamed.

Part of you lost it. You didn't. And part of you feels shame for what the part that lost it did. Talk to those parts. They were activated. Of course they were. Bit of a powder keg of pain you're parts are working to protect you from.

Maybe I'm just an idiot and this has always just been an abusive relationship and I just convinced myself it wasn't.

You are anything but an idiot. Whether you've been convincing yourself or not. It sounds as if you are in a troubling period of transition. It is so difficult to know what is right for you, but I suspect if you can tune into your SELF, the message will be loud and clear. But that's always the trick, isn't it? Tuning into SELF. :hug::hug::hug: from me as you work through these next steps on your path.

I'm glad you had a good time at the conference and got to the beach! And that your daughter has seen the light about homeschooling (I went through this for years with my son until he finally figured out that school was easier to deal with than me or his father--both teachers--when it came to academics :wideeyed:). For any kid, though, summer academic work is more torture than a learning experience. Torture for kid, torture for parent. Yuck! I'm glad you survived the power struggle with her.

I hope you had a good time at the concert, and then home.

The concert was good but I was too wildly distracted (and a bit buzzed) to enjoy it really. My husband loved it...that's why we went. I had a hellish night and morning. I am lying on my bed again (got up to shower and dress, then crapped out again). Some of this is a bit of a hangover--I overdid last night in a way I haven't for a very very long time, and I am paying the price. But some of it is more than that. I was caught in a web of flashbacks of all sorts from about 4:30 AM until 10ish. Have mostly emerged from that.

This dying business with my mother is flipping out a lot of my parts. But I will be okay. I am usually always okay.

Sending you lovingkindness, dear Eleanor. I have missed talking with you!

 

[Hope4Now]

Thank you, @gizmo. It is helpful to hear this. I did not know about your son. My heart breaks for you. I'm glad you found peace in the decisions you made. I think that is so important...to be able to feel we did the right thing, whatever it is.

Yes, she will stay on hospice. It just makes it harder when her doctor seems to be pushing for intervention care. There's no good outcome with any of this. The simple truth is that she is coming to the end of her life. She is not really capable of making any reasoned or logical decisions about her health (frankly, she never really has been, but now it's pretty obvious). The dark side is that she may have to be moved to the hospice house and out of her apartment at assisted living because I think she's maxing out the staff there. And she refuses to use a wheelchair, so she is "endangering" herself. If we have to move her, she will flip out. That is, frankly, what I dread more than anything else. It's exhausting. She's going to go down fighting me and blaming me every inch of the way, it seems. Just the other day we had an argument about why she is not a candidate for open-heart surgery! She cannot seem to wrap her head around the fact that she will die on the table or end up on life support if she has another surgery.