D
Deleted member 12723
Thinking of you and am so sorry about your mom. I hope that you are able to get some good rest. Hugs.
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Strange Star
- Post starter Hope4Now
- Start date
- Post starter
- #830
More of this "direct access" stuff. OMG. Totally freaky and yet totally helpful somehow. I DO NOT GET IT. I am crashing again. I cannot physically make myself go to see my mother. I want to go, but I obviously don't. Never has this inner conflict been so obvious in its physical manifestations. Never. I am totally conscious of it, yet I seem unable to do anything about it. This is kind of hellish. But at least it has erased most all of the doubt that all my weirdo physical stuff is stress related. My body is pretty much hijacking me. Just about every physical symptom that has come and gone over the past years is cycling through today.
At least almost always I can write. That's a bonus.
This was helpful:
Parts-work Terms (alphabetically)
If you're new to subselves and parts work, invest time in getting clear on the basic concepts and terms below. As a self-check, imagine defining each term below to an average high school student.''false self.''
Your Self’s calm, balanced, far-seeing leadership is usually lost until the excited part calms and/or unblends. A skill that increases during effe
ctive parts work is learning to persuade blending parts to "step aside" from (free) your Self, without losing their intense feelings or needs. Then they can be respectfully heard, and their needs filled.
Blending happens in situations that Guardian subselves and/or Inner Kids believe are significantly threatening. Any subself can blend with (take over, disable) your Self, but Inner Kids and their Guardians are specially adept at it. People who seem "childish" or naive at times probably have a young subself who’s often blended with their true Self.
"Direct access" happens when an outside person (e.g. a therapist or other supporter) speaks directly with one of your subselves. The alternative is indirect access, which may feel safer during early inner-family work. This happens when the outsider asks your Self to ask or inform the part in question - so "You" (your Self) acts as an intermediary. When subselves trust the parts-work process and certain outsiders, they’ll usually communicate directly, unless other parts object and interfere.
Disowned parts are aspects of our personality that we reject or deny. For example, if you have a (young) part who really wants you to focus only on its needs or to act violently, yourinner Critic will probably have been trained by your parents to see that selfish part as "bad." Once so labeled, other subselves will work fiercely to block, paralyze (repress), and ignore such "awful" parts, causing us inner conflict.
Psychologists Sidra and Hal Stone propose that we feel most intensely attracted to or repelled by people who act out their version of our disowned parts. Have you ever met someone you "couldn’t stand"? The reason your subselves intensely dislike them is probably an instinctive recognition of part of yourself that you "can’t stand" which is displayed by the other person. In later parts work, we come to calmly accept ("own") all our subselves and the array of gifts and limitations they bring us.
Dissociation / Dissociative Identity disorder (DID) - this term denotes involuntarily defocusing from current inner and outer environmental events and realities. Common examples are daydreaming, fantasizing, and trances. DID is the updated psychiatric term for "Multiple Personality Disorder" (MPD). I believe dissociation is caused by protective subselves disabling the true Self in the present moment See Blending, Multiplicity, andSplitting.
False Selfdescribes a mind-body state where a person is controlled momentarily or steadily by one or more Inner Kids and/or Guardian subselves. Some people call this common statedissociation (from reality).
Many adults who were traumatized as kids have never experienced their Self in consistent control. Such people (i.e. their dominant subselves) are skeptical that they have a gifted, reliable inner team-leader and a more serene and productive way of daily living available to them.
I, Me, and Myself (or my Self) can refer to...
From: http://sfhelp.org/gwc/IF/ifs.htm
At least almost always I can write. That's a bonus.
This was helpful:
Parts-work Terms (alphabetically)
If you're new to subselves and parts work, invest time in getting clear on the basic concepts and terms below. As a self-check, imagine defining each term below to an average high school student.''false self.''
Your Self’s calm, balanced, far-seeing leadership is usually lost until the excited part calms and/or unblends. A skill that increases during effe
Blending happens in situations that Guardian subselves and/or Inner Kids believe are significantly threatening. Any subself can blend with (take over, disable) your Self, but Inner Kids and their Guardians are specially adept at it. People who seem "childish" or naive at times probably have a young subself who’s often blended with their true Self.
"Direct access" happens when an outside person (e.g. a therapist or other supporter) speaks directly with one of your subselves. The alternative is indirect access, which may feel safer during early inner-family work. This happens when the outsider asks your Self to ask or inform the part in question - so "You" (your Self) acts as an intermediary. When subselves trust the parts-work process and certain outsiders, they’ll usually communicate directly, unless other parts object and interfere.
Disowned parts are aspects of our personality that we reject or deny. For example, if you have a (young) part who really wants you to focus only on its needs or to act violently, yourinner Critic will probably have been trained by your parents to see that selfish part as "bad." Once so labeled, other subselves will work fiercely to block, paralyze (repress), and ignore such "awful" parts, causing us inner conflict.
Psychologists Sidra and Hal Stone propose that we feel most intensely attracted to or repelled by people who act out their version of our disowned parts. Have you ever met someone you "couldn’t stand"? The reason your subselves intensely dislike them is probably an instinctive recognition of part of yourself that you "can’t stand" which is displayed by the other person. In later parts work, we come to calmly accept ("own") all our subselves and the array of gifts and limitations they bring us.
Dissociation / Dissociative Identity disorder (DID) - this term denotes involuntarily defocusing from current inner and outer environmental events and realities. Common examples are daydreaming, fantasizing, and trances. DID is the updated psychiatric term for "Multiple Personality Disorder" (MPD). I believe dissociation is caused by protective subselves disabling the true Self in the present moment See Blending, Multiplicity, andSplitting.
False Selfdescribes a mind-body state where a person is controlled momentarily or steadily by one or more Inner Kids and/or Guardian subselves. Some people call this common statedissociation (from reality).
Many adults who were traumatized as kids have never experienced their Self in consistent control. Such people (i.e. their dominant subselves) are skeptical that they have a gifted, reliable inner team-leader and a more serene and productive way of daily living available to them.
I, Me, and Myself (or my Self) can refer to...
- your active true Self, or...
- the other subselves currently controlling your Self (your false self), or...
- your whole mind-body self (little "s"). See self below.
From: http://sfhelp.org/gwc/IF/ifs.htm
This is really incredibly helpful. I am so very sorry you are going through this, but very happy that you are recognizing what is happening to you in this moment. Perhaps it will give you some peace and a different perspective while working with the days coming.
I find it ever so helpful from the POV that we have so much of a problem accepting ourselves because we have already been labeled so heavily as 'bad', 'horrible', 'monster', 'idiot', 'stupid' etc. It is mapped in our 'SELF' so much earlier than we can even imagine, I am certain of that. It is no wonder we deal with having shame heaped upon us (and then heaping it upon ourselves as we get older). I hope you can see this as a practice session that you are doing the best that you can and that your best is absolutely good enough, Hope.
Hugs
I find it ever so helpful from the POV that we have so much of a problem accepting ourselves because we have already been labeled so heavily as 'bad', 'horrible', 'monster', 'idiot', 'stupid' etc. It is mapped in our 'SELF' so much earlier than we can even imagine, I am certain of that. It is no wonder we deal with having shame heaped upon us (and then heaping it upon ourselves as we get older). I hope you can see this as a practice session that you are doing the best that you can and that your best is absolutely good enough, Hope.
Hugs
- Post starter
- #832
I am being gentle and forgiving of myself, off and on all night. I am pretty f*cked up, but working on using what strategies I can. If I could just calm down and get myself to bed. Can't do it. Kind of like can't go see my mom. BUT...I made my daughter's yearbook ad page...it will be a surprise. Expensive. She's always wanted one but we figured we'd wait for her graduation year. I had fun looking through old photos...thousands of old photos. I take a LOT of pictures. Yikes.
I will go see my mother tomorrow. I have a plan. Drop daughter off at school and drive directly to see mom. No stops. No rests. Just do it. Then I will order my new glasses, then pick up Uncle from airport, then take daughter to therapy. Whew. Then collapse. Way too much for this tired old self, but what else can I do? Nothing I suppose. The world will not end if I don't do any of those things.
But really, I do have to do stuff. There isn't anybody else. Daughter needs therapy. Uncle is very ill and cannot get from airport to hotel by himself. I am desperate for new glasses. Mother needs presence (or I need to know I visited). Also have to begin all the preparations. Obituary. Funeral. Cremation arrangements. Eulogy. Will. Safety deposit box. Etc. I remember doing this when my father died. There is an unbelievable amount of bureaucracy that emerges when a family member dies.
I think I am avoiding going to bed. I can't deal with nightmares. The daymares are enough. And as soon as I stop reading and writing, the thoughts and feelings come zooming in. I am working very hard to stay at least marginally grounded. But I know I need to sleep. Everything is worse when I don't sleep. I just can't seem to settle down though. Perhaps I will take an ativan tonight. I did eat soup and toast today. And I am dressed in comfy warm clothes. I have had a very hard time getting warm today. Poor kind Yoda turned up the heat and gave me his coat. Very nice of him. This is the second (third?) time in a row I have been really scrambled and we've spent much of the appointment doing grounding stuff.
The direct access thing he does is really helpful though. I definitely feel less...hmmm...congested? psychologically after. Even if I am shaky and lightheaded and don't remember everything. I don't know how or why what happens happens, but I think it is good. I think it means parts get to talk without having to go through other parts to get out. It's so weird. It's like suddenly I am talking to Yoda, but it isn't really quite me. And yet what I am saying feels true.
The whole thing feels kind of like walking on a really unsteady surface. But I am starting to feel like maybe I might end up being okay if I can just keep showing up for therapy sessions, and learning to take care of myself by slowing down to a kind of non-pace. I can't quite do that, but I am making infinitesmal progress.
Right now, I am mostly focused on staying physically safe by not hurting myself or running off somewhere. I do not want to abandon my family, or myself. But parts do. So staying safe-ish even if I don't quite feel safe...that is enough for now.
I will go see my mother tomorrow. I have a plan. Drop daughter off at school and drive directly to see mom. No stops. No rests. Just do it. Then I will order my new glasses, then pick up Uncle from airport, then take daughter to therapy. Whew. Then collapse. Way too much for this tired old self, but what else can I do? Nothing I suppose. The world will not end if I don't do any of those things.
But really, I do have to do stuff. There isn't anybody else. Daughter needs therapy. Uncle is very ill and cannot get from airport to hotel by himself. I am desperate for new glasses. Mother needs presence (or I need to know I visited). Also have to begin all the preparations. Obituary. Funeral. Cremation arrangements. Eulogy. Will. Safety deposit box. Etc. I remember doing this when my father died. There is an unbelievable amount of bureaucracy that emerges when a family member dies.
I think I am avoiding going to bed. I can't deal with nightmares. The daymares are enough. And as soon as I stop reading and writing, the thoughts and feelings come zooming in. I am working very hard to stay at least marginally grounded. But I know I need to sleep. Everything is worse when I don't sleep. I just can't seem to settle down though. Perhaps I will take an ativan tonight. I did eat soup and toast today. And I am dressed in comfy warm clothes. I have had a very hard time getting warm today. Poor kind Yoda turned up the heat and gave me his coat. Very nice of him. This is the second (third?) time in a row I have been really scrambled and we've spent much of the appointment doing grounding stuff.
The direct access thing he does is really helpful though. I definitely feel less...hmmm...congested? psychologically after. Even if I am shaky and lightheaded and don't remember everything. I don't know how or why what happens happens, but I think it is good. I think it means parts get to talk without having to go through other parts to get out. It's so weird. It's like suddenly I am talking to Yoda, but it isn't really quite me. And yet what I am saying feels true.
The whole thing feels kind of like walking on a really unsteady surface. But I am starting to feel like maybe I might end up being okay if I can just keep showing up for therapy sessions, and learning to take care of myself by slowing down to a kind of non-pace. I can't quite do that, but I am making infinitesmal progress.
Right now, I am mostly focused on staying physically safe by not hurting myself or running off somewhere. I do not want to abandon my family, or myself. But parts do. So staying safe-ish even if I don't quite feel safe...that is enough for now.
sun seeker
Diamond Member
I remember this being true from when my father died. Unbelievable the details you have to keep track of while you are raw with bereavement.
Is it any better if you lie on the couch and pretend you are taking a nap?
Sounds like a good idea to me.
I'm so glad you were able to get to therapy.
Yes, your defenses are down. There are good things about that, but it does mean you need to be especially careful to stay safe physically. Drive carefully out there!
I wrote the above before reading this. Yup, you've got it. It's about staying safe right now, even if it feels like just going through the motions. You've built the skills. Now is the time to practice them. You will get through this. It sounds horribly trite, but keep breathing.
:hug::hug::hug:
- Post starter
- #834
Today was very hard. I am going to bed now. After another foot-freezing episode, a crying jag (! yes me!), throwing up multiple times, and passing out on kitchen floor for an hour.
Again...if there was any doubt (and there always is), my physical ickiness is completely stress-related.
And my "stress" is at an all time high.
Again...if there was any doubt (and there always is), my physical ickiness is completely stress-related.
And my "stress" is at an all time high.
sun seeker
Diamond Member
(((Hope)))
Wish I could honestly say I'm sending you warmth, but I'm freezing here with a broken hot water tank and a stove I keep forgetting to feed. Warm thoughts will have to do. I'm sending lots of those.
So sorry. Are you sleeping at all?
Wish I could honestly say I'm sending you warmth, but I'm freezing here with a broken hot water tank and a stove I keep forgetting to feed. Warm thoughts will have to do. I'm sending lots of those.
- Post starter
- #836
Oh my. I really didn't think things could get worse as far as my "symptoms" go. There is some level of relief that my mother is now the responsibility of the great spirit or god or whatever the name might be. (Good luck to him/her/it). But omg I am wrecked in so many ways. Last night...whole new levels and types of physical pain that I've never had before, and whole new versions of extended flashbacks or something (something that had me curled in a fetal position under my desk, then later in the back seat of my car with my dog, keening and wailing at 10 PM). This is so not me. SO NOT ME. Went to her assisted living place today to meet with the ED about moving stuff out, etc. Was fine until my husband pointed out the memorial they had set up for her in the entrance hall. Flowers. Very sweet photo (my mother would never allow pictures). Very lovely "goodbye" message for all the residents to see. I fell apart. But pulled it together.
Yesterday, at the funeral home, I asked for her wedding rings. Why they did what they did, I don't know. I almost passed out. Brought them to me in a ziploc back with soap still on the rings from when they took them off her finger. I almost passed out because all I could see was her body and her face in my mind's eye. I had even taken a picture of her a few hours before she died. It was so awful that I though maybe if I took a picture of her, my brain wouldn't keep bringing it into my inner vision. That didn't work. I am perpetually haunted now.
And yet, life does go on. I am slogging through as many motions as I can. Went to family lunch to plan funeral arrangements today. Taking a nap now. Going to a friend's birthday party tonight. Talked to a friend today at the pickup for a school activity...about her husband (my age) who is battling cancer and undergoing chemo and radiation. Posted stuff on facebook about Paris and Lebanon. And Syria. Can't forget Syria. May go to a peace vigil before the birthday party if I can wake up in time.
Life does go on. But it hurts so much in my body and in my heart right now. I just keep reminding myself that this is the bittersweetness of being human. Without the pain, there's no emotion, and without emotion, we're no better than computers. I don't want to be a computer. A disemodied "head." I want to be a whole person, pain and all. But it really sucks too.
I would like to be able to do human and emotional pain without the nightmares and flashbacks and physical pain and intrusive thoughts etc. I would like to be human without a dissociative disorder and PTSD. But then, I'll take what I've got. I don't think I'd trade it for what a lot of other people have. I have it pretty easy comparatively. Doesn't make it feel easier, but it does offer some perspective.
Now, to sleep for a bit. Probably won't but at least I am going through that self-care motion as well.
Yesterday, at the funeral home, I asked for her wedding rings. Why they did what they did, I don't know. I almost passed out. Brought them to me in a ziploc back with soap still on the rings from when they took them off her finger. I almost passed out because all I could see was her body and her face in my mind's eye. I had even taken a picture of her a few hours before she died. It was so awful that I though maybe if I took a picture of her, my brain wouldn't keep bringing it into my inner vision. That didn't work. I am perpetually haunted now.
And yet, life does go on. I am slogging through as many motions as I can. Went to family lunch to plan funeral arrangements today. Taking a nap now. Going to a friend's birthday party tonight. Talked to a friend today at the pickup for a school activity...about her husband (my age) who is battling cancer and undergoing chemo and radiation. Posted stuff on facebook about Paris and Lebanon. And Syria. Can't forget Syria. May go to a peace vigil before the birthday party if I can wake up in time.
Life does go on. But it hurts so much in my body and in my heart right now. I just keep reminding myself that this is the bittersweetness of being human. Without the pain, there's no emotion, and without emotion, we're no better than computers. I don't want to be a computer. A disemodied "head." I want to be a whole person, pain and all. But it really sucks too.
I would like to be able to do human and emotional pain without the nightmares and flashbacks and physical pain and intrusive thoughts etc. I would like to be human without a dissociative disorder and PTSD. But then, I'll take what I've got. I don't think I'd trade it for what a lot of other people have. I have it pretty easy comparatively. Doesn't make it feel easier, but it does offer some perspective.
Now, to sleep for a bit. Probably won't but at least I am going through that self-care motion as well.
sun seeker
Diamond Member
(((Hope)))
This is normal. Or as normal as it gets anyway. An abuser's death brings up so much, more than a death without so much complexity tangled up in it.
This is normal. Or as normal as it gets anyway. An abuser's death brings up so much, more than a death without so much complexity tangled up in it.
It's been a few days. Just remember that "perpetually" doesn't mean forever. It's intense right now. It won't always be.
Yes, although with PTSD the emotion tends to list to the side of pain, and the pain isn't just a simple experience from which we go on to the next experience, but gets connected to the whole big ball of other pain we've experienced. So I think it's important, while you are allowing yourself to feel, to remember that it is possible to get to where it isn't a black-and-white choice between feeling nothing and being emotionally flooded. We can get to where there is joy and peace and contentment, too.
Yes. Do as much of that as you possibly can. The intensity you are going through is like a barometer telling you how much self care is needed. Listen if you can.
- Post starter
- #838
Thanks, @sun seeker, for your wise reminders.
Here I am, another day. Muddling through. I finally got up at 5 this morning to escape the nightmare I had kept falling in and out of from around 1:30 on. Watched it get light outside while I wrote in my journal. Mostly just about the nightmare, which was not about my mother, but one of the usual ones about my inner world and this whacko journey I am on. I know this is what it was about because I now have these recurrent sorts of settings and actions in my dreams that I recognize.
It is now shortly after 7 AM and I'm thinking I might go back to sleep. Because even with two cups of strong coffee in my system, I am suddenly really sleepy.
We got home after midnight last night. (The dinner party was far away). I am so glad I went, though, because the hostess (who is a social worker and much younger and hipper than I am) gave me the gift of long and extended laughter. I've only ever met her once, but I wanted to fling my arms around her in gratitude for her sense of fun and irreverance and gifted story telling. I have not laughed that much for that long or that deeply for years. It was the best medicine I could have taken for what ails me. And I have so much respect for her...probably 15-20 years younger than the rest of the dinner crew...and as open and natural and confident as you can imagine. I sense the potential of a new friend. Yay. Plus...the bonus of the night for me, particularly, was that although it was the host's 58th birthday, and the dinner was rather fancy, we had birthday party hats and necklaces and those things you blow into and they uncurl (is there a NAME for those?). And homemade birthday cake with candles. I almost set mine on fire because I blew it and it hit the flame on the candle. LOL.
It made me remember how much fun birthday parties can be if we let them. Why do we stop having fun parties when we get to be grownups? Seriously. The last fun grownup birthday party I went to was a long while back when my kooky and kid-like friend E. decided to throw a bowling party for her husband. It was lovely and ironic because they are about as wealthy and upper class as it gets, so bowling at the skanky local alley with smelly rental shoes and greasy pizza wouldn't seem like their thing. But it was a hoot. And I bowled with his parents who were well into their 80s at the time.
So. Maybe this year, I will plan my own birthday party. I will maybe have some fun thinking about this. To hell with stuffy dinners and cocktail parties. But, in the meantime, I have a funeral to plan and many, many arrangements to make.
Tomorrow I go to do the final body ID before the cremation. Not looking forward to that, but I want to do it. I did it for my father. It seems important. Maybe she will look better than she did on Thursday. It was bad with my father because he looked ghastly, but then he died fast unlike her. We think the funeral will not be until the Tuesday after Thanksgiving because we can't get my son home from college. We don't want him to miss his final exams. I wish we could just get it all over with, but perhaps it is for the best. It will allow me to take my time in getting everything ready. I am still debating about whether to do a wake. We did not do one for my father because we didn't think my mother would be able to handle it, but maybe we will do one for my mom.
I have no idea why I am writing about this on this trauma diary. But, I'll let it stand. Seems like on this diary I write more about day-to-day things, whereas in my paper diary I write more about trauma things. Leave it to me to get things backwards. Everything I do is backwards. Not in a bad way. Just in a backwards way. Seriously. Everything. Maybe if I can embrace that instead of being mad at myself about it or ashamed of it, something good will happen.
Here I am, another day. Muddling through. I finally got up at 5 this morning to escape the nightmare I had kept falling in and out of from around 1:30 on. Watched it get light outside while I wrote in my journal. Mostly just about the nightmare, which was not about my mother, but one of the usual ones about my inner world and this whacko journey I am on. I know this is what it was about because I now have these recurrent sorts of settings and actions in my dreams that I recognize.
It is now shortly after 7 AM and I'm thinking I might go back to sleep. Because even with two cups of strong coffee in my system, I am suddenly really sleepy.
We got home after midnight last night. (The dinner party was far away). I am so glad I went, though, because the hostess (who is a social worker and much younger and hipper than I am) gave me the gift of long and extended laughter. I've only ever met her once, but I wanted to fling my arms around her in gratitude for her sense of fun and irreverance and gifted story telling. I have not laughed that much for that long or that deeply for years. It was the best medicine I could have taken for what ails me. And I have so much respect for her...probably 15-20 years younger than the rest of the dinner crew...and as open and natural and confident as you can imagine. I sense the potential of a new friend. Yay. Plus...the bonus of the night for me, particularly, was that although it was the host's 58th birthday, and the dinner was rather fancy, we had birthday party hats and necklaces and those things you blow into and they uncurl (is there a NAME for those?). And homemade birthday cake with candles. I almost set mine on fire because I blew it and it hit the flame on the candle. LOL.
It made me remember how much fun birthday parties can be if we let them. Why do we stop having fun parties when we get to be grownups? Seriously. The last fun grownup birthday party I went to was a long while back when my kooky and kid-like friend E. decided to throw a bowling party for her husband. It was lovely and ironic because they are about as wealthy and upper class as it gets, so bowling at the skanky local alley with smelly rental shoes and greasy pizza wouldn't seem like their thing. But it was a hoot. And I bowled with his parents who were well into their 80s at the time.
So. Maybe this year, I will plan my own birthday party. I will maybe have some fun thinking about this. To hell with stuffy dinners and cocktail parties. But, in the meantime, I have a funeral to plan and many, many arrangements to make.
Tomorrow I go to do the final body ID before the cremation. Not looking forward to that, but I want to do it. I did it for my father. It seems important. Maybe she will look better than she did on Thursday. It was bad with my father because he looked ghastly, but then he died fast unlike her. We think the funeral will not be until the Tuesday after Thanksgiving because we can't get my son home from college. We don't want him to miss his final exams. I wish we could just get it all over with, but perhaps it is for the best. It will allow me to take my time in getting everything ready. I am still debating about whether to do a wake. We did not do one for my father because we didn't think my mother would be able to handle it, but maybe we will do one for my mom.
I have no idea why I am writing about this on this trauma diary. But, I'll let it stand. Seems like on this diary I write more about day-to-day things, whereas in my paper diary I write more about trauma things. Leave it to me to get things backwards. Everything I do is backwards. Not in a bad way. Just in a backwards way. Seriously. Everything. Maybe if I can embrace that instead of being mad at myself about it or ashamed of it, something good will happen.
D
Deleted member 12723
You are not alone in doing backward things. I have always done things backwards but I am so trying to change that about me. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom and you are being amazing about all of the things you have to do. I understand how difficult it is to do those things as well.
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