Sexual Assault Strange to feel ok


I have this strange thing....and I don't know if it is a trauma response or what but it's like, I can have a few days where i feel "ok" but feeling ok feels strange to I'm not supposed to feel ok and I need to do something to make me feel rubbish....this time, it has just made me fix on the whole thing with children's dad and the fact that we are back together now but it's awkward. We were watching something the other day, called The Responder and there is a bit in it where his relationship ends because his wife keeps asking him to speak to her etc and he doesn't....he carries everything by himself and my other half said "we are a little like that, I wish you would be more open with me" how can I be more open with him? how can I tell him that one of the reasons I'm in therapy is that my ex r*ped me....when he has done the same and more than once (I've spoken with him about it and he's only done it when drunk - I'm not excusing it, at all but he's aware and he apologised) I know this might come under me protecting his feelings and not wanting him to feel bad? and from got me to comparing him with what Jason did. He's never hit me...and he wouldn't but he's still been physical, in the sense that he has held me down by my arms, like Jason and he has said similar to Jason....when we've been out and that's hard too because I'm talking about what was said on the night that it was really bad with, telling me that I was enjoying other men watching me dance/I was a tease etc (which isn't it, I just like to dance and enjoy myself!) It's all so messed up, isn't it....actively looking for a reason to feel rubbish again. Its a bloody good job I'm on therapy already because my mind does all this sh*t to me 🙄
It doesn't sound to me that you're looking for reasons to feel rubbish. But finding ways to be ok.

What I hear when I read what you wrote is that your ex raped you along with various abusive behaviours. For some reason you're distinguishing those rapes as different to the rapes your current partner has done to you , and also the other abusive behaviour.
How can you open up to someone who has raped you and who emotionally abused you?
I don't see this as a 'you' thing but the situation you are in.

I'm also wondering about your safety. And wonder about you remaining in this relationship, and how you will be safe given his behaviour.
in my strictly personal psycho cauldron, i attribute this bizarre little dichotomy to a natural craving for familiarity. kinda like the controversial axiom that we don't naturally crave what is good for us. we crave what feels like home. something like the abused animal who will bite the rescuer who wants to take them to a better place. i don't care to argue the theory, but radical acceptance of it for my own, strictly personal case has helped me see how and why to gently push past it.

just sharing. . .

steadying support while you sort your own case.
I understand staying in certain situations. But I really hope you evaluate (and your children’s?) safety and get out. Since you’re currently in therapy, is there a way to ask your therapist for help getting out? They will have some resources and can help you through it. I’ve been in similar situations where you’re self sabotaging your recovery and retraumatizing yourself and it’s such a dangerous place to be in. Please, please, get out and if you feel strong enough, get your current partner arrested.