I have this strange thing....and I don't know if it is a trauma response or what but it's like, I can have a few days where i feel "ok" but feeling ok feels strange to me....like I'm not supposed to feel ok and I need to do something to make me feel rubbish....this time, it has just made me fix on the whole thing with children's dad and the fact that we are back together now but it's awkward. We were watching something the other day, called The Responder and there is a bit in it where his relationship ends because his wife keeps asking him to speak to her etc and he doesn't....he carries everything by himself and my other half said "we are a little like that, I wish you would be more open with me" how can I be more open with him? how can I tell him that one of the reasons I'm in therapy is that my ex r*ped me....when he has done the same and more than once (I've spoken with him about it and he's only done it when drunk - I'm not excusing it, at all but he's aware and he apologised) I know this might come under me protecting his feelings and not wanting him to feel bad? and from that....it got me to comparing him with what Jason did. He's never hit me...and he wouldn't but he's still been physical, in the sense that he has held me down by my arms, like Jason and he has said similar to Jason....when we've been out and that's hard too because I'm talking about what was said on the night that it was really bad with Jason....like, telling me that I was enjoying other men watching me dance/I was a tease etc (which isn't it, I just like to dance and enjoy myself!) It's all so messed up, isn't it....actively looking for a reason to feel rubbish again. Its a bloody good job I'm on therapy already because my mind does all this sh*t to me 
