Strategies for making/faking eye contact for interview next week.

[jaccat]

I can't do eye contact. Even with my closest friends I avoid looking at their faces except for the briefest glance. I know why I can't, and that it has a big chunk to do with childhood neglect, and a whole lot to do with toxic shame from my hugely dysfunctional family, and I'm working on changing it in therapy.

Problem is, I have a job interview coming up next week, for a promotion that I know I can do, and do well, but I've been told by one of my managers, who's helping me prepare, that I need to make eye contact in the interview or else I have no chance.

Not only is it near impossible for me to look someone in the eye, but I don't know how many times in the past accidentally catching someone's eye has triggered me into a full on shame response that takes hours to recover from. When that happens I feel really small and worthless and I struggle to think clearly, let alone appear like I'm functioning.

Somehow, I need to work out a strategy so I can at least appear to be doing it, and confidently, by next week. The guy helping me suggested looking at his forehead, but that wasn't exactly easy. Anyone got any other ideas?

 

[barefoot]

How have you handled it for previous interviews including the one for your current job?

My personal view - others here may very well disagree:

The thing is, looking at someone’s forehead is looking at someone’s forehead. It isn’t eye contact and doesn’t feel like eye contact to the person you’re speaking to. You can kind of get away with that sort of thing with a large group as it will seem like/be presumed that you are making eye contact with someone somewhere in the room. One on one or in a small group though, it just feels that you’re faking making contact. And I think that can feel more obvious than not looking at a face at all.

I’m not saying that to be disheartening. I just don’t think eye contact can be faked. And if forcing yourself to look at a forehead or other part of a face is really hard and stressful for you - and it won’t even create the impression you want ie it won’t feel like eye contact - it’s maybe not worth the stress of trying to make yourself do it?

You may hate this idea but:

What about being open with them about your difficulty with eye contact ahead of the interview day? You know how they often ask whether you have any special access arrangements for the interview? I wonder if you could call or email them and very briefly say you just wanted to make them aware that you sometimes struggle with making eye contact and that you just wanted to give them a heads up as you suspect you might not make much eye contact on the interview day (nerves on the day etc)

They’ll still go ahead and interview you. They’ll be expecting lack of eye contact so they won’t think it’s strange when you don’t do it.
You won’t need to work yourself up trying to fake it or feeling under pressure to keep trying to look at them.

I guess there is a small risk that this approach could backfire. But I very much doubt they will hold it against you. I actually think you make it easier for yourself and then being upfront about it.

Important thing is to make sure you get across at some point - in the heads up or at the interview itself - that it doesn’t cause problems in your work. That, on the contrary, you have very strong relationships with your colleagues/clients/whoever and that you enjoy working with people and have excellent communication skills etc.

You may hate this idea and have found my post really unhelpful! If so, I really hope someone else posts some other ideas for you.

Best of luck for the interview. Hope you get the job! :)

 

[Lucycat]

I find eye contact hard. Instead I try to look behind the person. I have no idea if they realise or not but it works for me. Good luck!

 

[jaccat]

It's a good idea, but it's a managerial role and will involve a certain amount of dealing with other people, sometimes challenging people, where I'll be expected to be able to look at them head on, so not doing that in interview will be seen as not being able to do the job.

In truth I can deal with those other people, without needing a great deal of eye contact, because after a lifetime of not looking at others I have other ways of handling those situations that don't rely on eye contact, and for the most part people don't recognise what I'm doing. Or at least, don't question it. It would be simpler if I could do it, but I'm not worried that not being able to will prevent me from doing a good job. I'd love to be able to do it for real, and I'm working towards it, but I'm not there yet.

 

[jade53]

Can you tell them you've lived in Thailand for a while? I'm always told that it's a sign of disrespect to look someone in the eye :)

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I sometimes get compliments on my “eye contact” haha I’m looking at the bridge of your nose.

Another good one is taking my glasses off and looking at the blurry mush but then I can’t read facial expressions. It’s a risk. I sometimes do the unfocusing my eyes bit if it gets too much.

It’s good to have notes in an interview that gives you a purposeful look away escape.

If it’s too close quarters to fake, look at eye lashes and iris (what colour texture shapes are in it) and specific things like that. Practice looking at your own eyes in the mirror for those things. And build up bit by bit. When you order a coffee practice or something like that. Really intensely held eye contact only needs to be a couple of seconds. And in fact too much can be really off putting.

Ask questions to put the interviewer on the back foot then they’ll be more worried about what they’re saying than what you’re doing. Google some great questions to ask.

Give them stuff to look at, hand outs? PowerPoint? Examples of your work? Obviously something appropriate for the job you’re going for. Even if you just give them your resumé when you walk in and look towards it on there desk or hand gesture with an “as you’ll see from my resumé”, “with the type of experience I’ve had previously” they’ll be drawn to look at it.

Just some ideas. good luck with the interview.

 

[jade53]

Just to reinforce nowhere, take about 3 copies of your resume unless it's a one on one and then one will do. Rehearse greeting the person or people and making eye contact while you hand them a copy and you might be pleasantly surprised with the outcome. You're in essence dealing with the fear of the unknown and that helps overcome it and make a very good first impression.

 

[jaccat]

Thanks for the suggestions.

I have been trying to make myself look at people since I wrote this, but one problem is that it's so alien to me that it just doesn't occur to me to do that until too late. I guess I've got a week to keep trying.

I do remember someone telling me a long time ago that you could focus on someone's ear, or just over their shoulder, and they wouldn't know the difference, but I don't know how true that is. I suspect it works better in group settings.