Street Kid Instinct (growing Up Alone)

[Upside Down Eagle]

The issue of growing up alone has been brought up before in, I believe, the thread about single children who were abused and had no brothers or sisters growing up. I´d like to discuss growing up without any parental example altogheter.

While I was offered "support" by my birth parents in the sense of basic provisions (clothing, housing and schooling up to 16), I never felt like I had actual parents; which is part of the reason I identified with street kids and youth gangs.

Fast forward to where I am now. Despite my traumas I´ve made quite a few friends, whom I can trust and confide in - yet I don´t feel near to them. Most often I feel a rational appreciation for them, often pierced by angst that they might leave or grow to resent me.

When I do feel near to people it´s in extremes, and tends to happen exclusively with people I had been romantically involved with previously. While with time I´ve become aware of this and so far seem to have improved myself, I miss the deep emotional ties that I felt in these cases.

I grew up as a hardass and this is exactly how I am perceived by friends; someone who, despite being genuine and honest, deals with their battles by themselves. I have never cried, never been able to trust, never dared to lean on those who trust me.

As a result I am immensely alone in the midst of a lot of people who care about me and want to support me but can´t, a feeling which was behind my most recent episode of suicidal ideation. A lot of the people on this forum grew up in similar circumstances.

I would like to hear from you whether you recognize the street kid instinct I have described and whether you were able to escape the loneliness and show your true colors.

 

[Ronin]

Lot of questions, there. :D (Useful. Interestingly phrased, too.)

Escape loneliness, no. I've befriended that devil. It's times I forget we're pals it takes me down.

True colors, wouldn't know what those are. If that's who I am when I feel free, then yes. Whenever I share laughter with people, whenever I don't give a f*ck about tomorrow because the presence of another & whatever it is we have at the moment, fills the whole time. Whenever I drop lanes of thoughts and just focus on being together. Pure love, joy, life.

Doesn't even have to be romantic. Long term. Acquaintance. Hell, many times the enemy inspired exactly that sort of deep feeling. But yeah, loneliness beating.

 

[Fadeaway]

he For me it was far more of a persona I could slip into easily, but not who I wanted to be. I wanted to be the sweet average middle-class girl, instead of girl who could intimidate drug addicts and dealers. It is weird. I am pretty passive around most people. I couldn't stand up to my ex to save my life. But if I am around that certain type of crowd, I can easily flip and be the girl they are too afraid to mess with.

Ok, guilty confession time. Meth addicts are fun to screw with especially in public places.

But yeah, I can't really connect to anyone, I am too untrusting on an irrational level to have people around my belongings. Escape the loneliness? Never figured that out, but show my true colors? That came from a deep desire to be understood, to have someone get me.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thanks for your thoughts guys :)

I had a meet with my therapist after writing this, and she told me to most importantly, tell my friends that I couldn´t share emotions with them. So I guess that´s my plan of action.

She said it would take time until I was capable of connecting with my emotion, rather than just staying in my brain when interacting with people (who are important in my life).

Hell, many times the enemy inspired exactly that sort of deep feeling. But yeah, loneliness beating.

That´s interesting. I most often had that feeling at the moment that people were withdrawing from me or running away from me - basically repeating the exact childhood situation.

 

[Born to Run]

I understand what you are saying. I wonder if being an only child is the real problem here. Don't get me wrong as I know the deep isolation that comes with it, especially if you're in an abusive situation.

What you describe seems a more general ptsd issue to me, in the sense that we all, out of past hurt, do not let people get close to protect ourselves. I have trusted only one person in my life so far, my ex partner, and still trust him to this day. Did he however get close to me, then the answer is no. Did I realize it in the past, no, and to realize that now is very painful.

Through therapy I am changing the whole people connection thing by having learned to trust my therapist and learned -still learning- to connect with them. For me the focus has never been so much to find a solution for the loneliness, but to find my true colors, as it has always hurt me most that I had to bury those to survive.

 

[ladee]

I have people that I love. I know some of them love me too. But was setting here thinking about my own life and trust issues and realizing, for the first time, on a deeper level, that my best(?) friend and I have been friends for over 36 years, and she really doesn't know much about me. I realize I don't confide in anyone. I do feel close to some people, have great memories, ect. But no one really knows me. Not sure how I feel about this.. will have to do some work on this and see what, if anything, that I feel... thank you for this discussion.. so many things have been opened up for me here. How did I survive before??
added: I did have 'paid friends' Therapists... does that count ??? I am being fascias. Sorry.

 

[Stickler]

Alone feels safer, I keep dropping the walls for the wrong people.

 

[ladee]

@Stickler. you have let some of us care deeply for you from a distance... so letting the wall down has been all bad... something to think about.. I know it's not 'real life' exactly, but my words to you are real. Hope you day is better.