Stress And Living In A Sociopathic Society

[ghotiff]

May I offer my thoughts ...

As you enter out into this new world, trust your instincts and focus on what you want to have in your life.

For example. Where I live there are many coffee shops. The one I go to I chose deliberately.
- it has the busy section outside and the slower section inside, so I can sit and watch people but they don't walk past me. This suits my desire for humans, but my need for distance.
- it's a small cafe run in a family friendly style, I've never seen an argument between staff, it's not fast service but it's friendly service. I have time, and need to surround myself with gentle, caring people.

My point is, that in some aspects you can "design your life" and make conscious choices to bring into your life what suits you and your goals. Just because most coffee shops today are fast paced, nameless, consumer based...doesn't mean they all are.

 

[shimmerz]

May I offer my thoughts ...

Always welcome, thank you.

Thank you. This feels so big right now. Perhaps with time and perhaps as you say, start with a place that 'feels right' and work from there. I am quite removed from what feels right to me these days. Starting small makes much sense.

 

[ghotiff]

Do you know what you want more of in your life. For example I want; calm, friendly without being personal, gentle, quiet, supportive, understanding.
I have a friend who by comparison wants; lively, exciting, variety, chatty, energetic, action.

If you can identify what you want to bring into your life, maybe you can decide if the shop where you buy milk helps or hinders with your goals.

 

[shimmerz]

If I'm looking for ways in which the world is amaaaaazing? I find that.

Yes, I used to believe this. I swore by it and was a really happy person for it. Then it was used against me.... and through my healing I realized it has been used often. So I think whether you are looking for one thing or the other, both are going to find you somewhere along the line.

I think I am trying to get to a happy medium between 'f*ed up evil world' and the Garden of Eden mentality that I used to swear by.

I appreciate this comment. I read it a couple of days ago and it didn't quite hit me like it did today.... so perhaps I am getting somewhere with this. I suppose this swinging wildly between the two allows me to gain a more balanced perspective that is uniquely mine.

My point is, that in some aspects you can "design your life"

Yes, and this is what I am finding a bit overwhelming at times. I recognize completely that I can design my life; finally again! My SO is finding it difficult to believe that this isn't solving everything for me .... 'there, now things are normal... so act normal'. lol. I am doing a ton of challenging of my old traumatized thought patterns (finally the CBT is helpful) but there is just SO MUCH!

Rethink family, friends, sports, kitchens, beds, tv, shopping, OMG the list could go on and on! Seriously! And I think I put so much effort into 're-thinking' that I completely blow myself out.

I will come back to quote more. And thank you all. This is just such a big issue right now I can only take little bites, try for a bit and come back and reread the posts and try again. I didn't realize how difficult this was going to be.

 

[shimmerz]

r example I want; calm, friendly without being personal, gentle, quiet, supportive, understanding.
I have a friend who by comparison wants; lively, exciting, variety, chatty, energetic, action.

I was, by nature the lively, exciting, blah blah blah kind of girl. 10 years later and after so much introspection, trauma heaped on top of trauma, catastrophes, etc, I think I want calm, friendly (although i don't know how to do this without being personal), etc.

I think? Thanks @ghotiff, I didn't see this until just now and it is definitely a good basic frame work to roam in.

 

[ghotiff]

calm, friendly (although i don't know how to do this without being personal), etc.

To me friendly is the shop knowing my name, saying good morning and a friendly sparkle in their eyes. Personal is asking how my day is going, commenting on what I'm wearing or doing for the day. But, everyone is different.

To keep people friendly but not personal I smile, look attentive but I don't ask questions and if they ask me questions I give vague useless answers that bore conversations, so they stop. Phrases like; I don't know; I'd have to think about that; that's interesting; not sure where to go with that. These phrases work for almost everything, are friendly but add nothing interesting to the conversation. Coupled with subtle body language (eg facing them, but feet turned away) stop conversations becoming personal.

Hope that helps. I read so many books on interpersonal skills, and this is what I learnt that works for me.

 

[shimmerz]

Really helpful, thank you very much @ghotiff. I haven't gotten to the interpersonal stuff yet so really appreciate your sharing.