Structural Dissociation

[Lucycat]

Aah! Stored but not 'processed'! Yes, in that case you try to keep the lid on because the 'coming out of storage' can be so overwhelming. However once processed you can choose to look at the memories or not. They no longer hold power to knock you down. They are then stored in a different part of the brain - memories without the overwhelming emotional content.

 

[rightkindofme]

Yup, that was what I was going for. :)

 

[Sammyiam]

I managed to get two honours degrees at university and have worked in very challenging jobs (until I was made redundant!) and coped very well. I work full time at the moment and people think i'm very confident and capable. I sometimes wonder what T would say if he saw me like this. He never has. As soon as I see T, the emotional, child-like state seems to kick in.

That child-like feeling, when it happens makes me feel like even doing the dishes or brushing my teeth is an effort. I cry even though i'm not even sure what i'm upset over and I just want to curl up in a ball somewhere.

I have just started reading this thread but I could have written this myself. This is exactly what happens to me I have no degrees or anything but I can seem ok then bam I turn up at her office and I'm a useless idiot. It feels like I'm lying. One minute I'm ok and the next I'm just a mess. I am doing so badly at accepting all this. :(

Thanks for this thread and the other one it is really helpful

Sammy

 

[BigHurt]

This is exactly what happens to me too...is this what is called structural dissociation? I had another 'one off" experience where I woke up and was aware of being another me - an alter I suppose. Lasted for a day. This happened after having a very intense EMDR session and also facing my brother, who confirmed that the abuse had actually happened.

It was a very scary experience, my therapist tried to normalise it for me by saying that it is common for people who have experienced childhood sexual abuse to experience this, but for me I have always wondered how serious it was. After my EMDR and alter experiences, my eyes were really opened up to what the brain was capable of...took me to a whole new level of understanding.

 

[ms spock]

My understanding is that as a protective mechanism from an overwhelming childhood, you split into an 'Apparently Normal' part (ANP) and an 'Emotional' part (EP). The ANP learns to function without distress. The EP holds the trauma and all the bad memories, emotions and feelings.There can be more than one division resulting in any number of parts.

I still struggle to even keep this in my consciousness. I have major problems with dissociation. It is really challenging. I don't even know if this is me. Something pretty weird happens. I can be aware of one level of existence and I can be walking the dog and talking but another part of me is living in a fantasy world where I am capable and competent. That fantasy just continues on from day to day, and it means I am not really here I guess. It is hard to work out.

 

[SeanCharles]

Strange, but without reading anything directly, This almost sounds like DID gone co-conscious. Reading this thread kinda gave me an AH HA! moment.

I realize you mention this isn't DID, but this in ways seems how I operate to a degree. I have quite a few parts that have the trauma memories compartmentalized which leaves me not overwhelmed with the memories of the past traumas as did happen many years ago when I was triggered and did not know then how to handle the triggering like I do now.

With this "transformation" I am able to function mostly although quite regularly my PTSD symptoms do get triggered frequently because of the overwhelming stress of my workplace.

---SeanGeo

 

[Mallaky]

Wow. This hit close to home. I am speechless.

Once I was like this. Mostly the rational side/apperently normal, the little kid hidden, only coming out when alone. The rational side was for school, work, friendships and socialising. It worked well, I was accepted and liked.
But then my trauma spilled out to all these sides too. You see, after early childhood were I was basically an abandonded street child, I was living with an abusive caregiver, who made me dependet on her. I am talking cutting my nails when I was 16 years old, as a very minor example.
When she died when I was 19 or so, the split was up and "working well."
But then, everything collapsed around me and I was so incredibly unprepared for life without the abusive "caregiver". I was a little kid expected to be an adult taking care of money, a house, funeral, my life, lawsuits, brainwashed to be a very dependet helpless puppy without any idea whatsoever about even the littlest thing. I hit rock bottom that time. After a few hellish years of debt and terror, after life finally stabilized a bit, I find myself mostly being the damaged child, the emotional child. No friendship or social contact survived this change. They all cherished the Apperantly Normal self and not the sometimes difficult emotional self, little kiddie. Only my partner stayed, bless him. As someone with mental health issues himself he was always more understanding then most.
I can still count on changing to the Apperently Normal self in times of crisis, but it is not like it was before. It is now the state that I am in very little, the emotional child is my normal now. The other is temporary and after it I always crash hard, feels awfull.

The former apperently normal is just my temporary problem solving mode now, and I miss dearly being able to be this person. I was functioning and discplined then, liked and appreciated. I want to get it back.

 

[Chava]

Like others here, I relate to feeling very small and childlike in therapy. Also feels like I've gone from about age 4-6 (and within this there are a few shades...angry, withdrawn, and anxiously shy) down to being a baby (very powerless, disconnected and withdrawn)...like I'm working my way backwards to earliest traumas. I do body-focused trauma therapy (Somatic Experiencing), which works well for me. Somehow in the past year or so my left hand has come to "speak" for this disorganized, traumatized child self, while my right hand is totally normal adult and reasonable and disconnected from whatever is going on with my left hand. Recently my right hand has been able to help my left hand more (not working quite right, but at least there is the feeling of the inner adult part wanting to help vs the child part hijacking all of my and me injuring my left arm).

I do not have DID but do have some dissociation. With my right hand being able to help my left (or try) through some trauma self-protective stuff (vs wanting to hurt myself), it did feel very co-conscious. My left hand was very shaky, weak, confused, not able to execute any sort of self protection. I could feel this and that fear and confusion...scary...but also witness it in the safety of therapy and try to do some of the self protection stuff with my right hand, which was more under my adult executive control. I think the therapy is necessary because on my own, any accessing of these traumatized feelings tend to hijack my whole system...I remedy or soothe in dysfunctional ways (though sometimes immediately effective). In therapy it is safer to notice these parts and not have to respond or subdue them right away, so I can learn more about them.

It feels clear to me that adult traumas didn't create these parts but brought some of them back to the surface. It feels very confusing...like am I really regressing by several decades? But I'm realizing these are the same parts that have been there nearly every day, just quickly subdued through chemicals or self harm. Now I'm actually working through these parts, and weirdly the adult self doesn't feel so forced or fake...feels a little more normal and like my current and real protector.

 

[shimmerz]

It feels clear to me that adult traumas didn't create these parts but brought some of them back to the surface.

Yes. This. And this is why I feel like I am 'faking' so often. I cry and don't know why. So I tell myself to smarten up (I feel like this is my ANP when an EP takes over). Because the old traumas are not 'in memory', when they come back to the surface (based on a trigger that I didn't even know about), it feels like crazy making.

It is interesting (aka disturbing), trying to function while the body is doing one thing and what feels to be executive functioning, is doing another.

 

[Chava]

when they come back to the surface (based on a trigger that I didn't even know about), it feels like crazy making

No joke. I feel like I have less crazy making (but "less" is still plenty)... but more illogical but terrible dread. My executive functioning is probably hijacked in these situations but appears as harsh self judgment if I do have any thoughts at all.

 

[Leah Morgan]

You have described me but I am now the child and want the adult back any ideas how to claw back?

 

[Lucycat]

or me - and it took some time - I identified a 'safe person'. In reality I did not know her when I was a child. but she has shown me that she is the mother I would have liked to have had. I keep a picture of her ( and me) on my mantle piece. When the going gets tough I contact her. In real-life she is the other side of the world. But that does not matter. from my perspective I need to know what she would have done, and how she would have comforted me if she had been there in my childhood. I have no doubts that she would have protected me had she been there.

I have used Liz a lot in therapy to help me get from Child (EP) back to adult (ANP) Speaking with Liz. or better still using Skype when I can see her has worked a treat.