Structural Dissociation?

[shimmerz]

My right hand (seems to operate on behalf of my adult brain) could hold the crayon close like a weapon. My left hand, however, was shaky and unsure and tried to put the crayon into my eye. My therapist carefully intervened. My left had seems to express all the trauma

This is really interesting Chava. I had a shamanistic journey that had my left hand and right hand 'synch up' in drawing a house in the air while I was on the massage table. Originally the left hand couldn't draw it and my right hand kept waiting for it to 'catch up'. From that time onwards I stopped thinking so much 'left brain' stuff. I found it simply fascinating.

My therapist appreciated the "duet" between my hands. I like that my therapy doesn't have to be "logical" or follow an exact formula or script...somehow leaves room for it to actually make sense to me

This sounds like a ton of really great work. Your therapist sounds awesome!

 

[Chava]

Thanks for following all that hand stuff @shimmerz . Definitely a traumatized part. But it's also feeling a little more clear how this is stuff I'm working on is not reflecting a one-time early trauma I don't remember, but a sort of broader freeze and disconnection pattern (that's weird stuff too, and yet finally some stuff makes more sense).

 

[Hope4Now]

Hi Folks on this thread. This is the easiest way I know to connect with all you who are wondering what has become of me without PMing each or posting a new thread...I am not MIA. I am home from my little "vacation" at said famous psychiatric hospital. There are tales to be told about that...many...and it was good overall, but I think they were glad to see me go for some rather humorous reasons which I may end up recounting at some point in my diary. I've been home for a bit over a week and am generally okay but struggling still. Not unsafe though. I am just taking a break from so much writing for a little while, and letting myself rest and sleep a lot. I'm fairly certain that my issues are far more complex than I had originally thought. Fairly certain that I meet criteria for DID. And my doctor now thinks that my pain issues could be fibromyalgia...so off I will go to yet another famous specialist to see what he can pronounce. Ugh. Anyway, although on the outside of my life things seem a bit grim, I actually feel like I am making HUGE progress with some integration stuff and beginning to learn how to take care of myself better. This is good stuff. So...I just wanted you all to know that I have not stopped thinking about any of you, and I will get on now and again to say hello, but I'm experimenting with a general break from the written word for now.

 

[sun seeker]

Thanks for letting us know what's happening in your life Hope! I miss you, but completely understand your need to take some time. Thinking of you too. :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Ronin]

Hope, sounds you're doing great, there's so many accomplishments and a lot of, well your name has it, hope all around.

Please take all the time you need.

 

[shimmerz]

Please take all the time you need.

But of course we miss you terribly my friend. My thoughts are with you. Hugs hon. :hug:

 

[Eleanor]

Thank you so much for the update - I'd been thinking about you! I would mention that all really interesting and cool people would be a terrible trial to have in a psych hospital - "Much madness is divinest sense, to a discerning eye" Emily Dickenson wrote - I don't know how she meant it exactly, but I would say that your kind of crazy comes along with a great deal of very good discerning sense... and for the lesser mortals who populate the ranks of those who "treat" the "mentally ill" that can be a trial indeed!

 

[Chava]

Hi @Hope4Now ...I relate to breaks from writing, also from processing, etc. I've been a little quieter lately myself.

For all or any of you...I'm not sure I care for a separate thread on this because I'm curious in just the lightest way in my mind....I can turn on a really externally angry part only when drunk (so far at least) and I seem to have different memories. I don't even dare read the shit storm of e-mails I sent my therapist last time I got drunk. Not sure what my questions are here...maybe, do drugs/alcohol release sort of Jekyl/Hyde situations for anyone else, or under that influence do you access more info? I know we can all behave differently when we take away the inhibition, I just don't know where the outwardly raging part comes from. I don't wreck anything (though I have...also a little prone towards outer violence if drunk...like stay out of my space for sure).

I don't have DID, but I don't tolerate sadness well. And sometimes, oddly, way under the sadness is this very crazy angry part of myself that can't find expression in normal sober daily life (I'm not drinking anymore, btw, too dangerous).

 

[scout86]

maybe, do drugs/alcohol release sort of Jekyl/Hyde situations for anyone else, or under that influence do you access more info?

Sort of? In a way? I won't say I have more or different memories. There is a lot of stuff, like anger, especially towards myself, that I tend to ignore (might not be the right word) the rest of the time and I lose the ability to ignore/bury it with too much alcohol. Let's just say I tend not to be a fun drunk, unless you enjoy melodrama. And I think what that is, is the inhibition switch does an awesomely good job, until it gets turned off.

 

[Ronin]

@Chava - yes to your alcohol questions.

Basically drinking was one of the few ways safe colleagues of mine got me to talk with them about things. I turn untalkative as all hell and flooded with a certain amount of booze. Untalkative because of knowing it happens and usual amnesic walls will be down as hell, flooded because crap, too much sensory input.

& relating to not dealing with sadness well. Sadness is one of the feelings turning my suicidality on. Grief, rage, hate? They're all good and I'm all aaaaction, let's not give it to whoever brought them on. Sadness? It was all me / I don't know who the f*ck was it / it was just life = helpless cluster = no bueno.

Now crossing fingers any of this makes remotest sense outside of my head.

 

[Chava]

I turn untalkative as all hell and flooded with a certain amount of booze. Untalkative because of knowing it happens and usual amnesic walls will be down as hell

So booze wrecks your amnesia? That's sort of what I'm wondering. The old timer shrinks used to give out hypnotics to get at memories. I simply LOVE sedative hypnotics like ambien and alcohol. I've e-mailed my therapist a couple times, then the next day said,...I don't remember that happening (after reading an email)...last time I asked about being molested between 6 mo and 2 years (Sort of specific, ey?) Next day it all just sounded like a shit storm. There is stuff I don't remember, for sure. I don't drink to have memories, I drink to feel hypnotic and floating and timeless. But the bits of rage and memory is weird. I'm not even an angry person, and not because I'm afraid of anger. I'm just more on the sad and neurotic side.

 

[Ronin]

@Chava, I think it's more about a type of biochemical reaction, more than it being 'just' alcohol; similar chemistry to other states of life in which it was my more common functioning takes my body back to those times easier.

Have you thought about 'neurotic' being a different facet of anger / anger expressed through lens of anxiety, filtered out and redirected BY the anxiety, but the same base emotion being the same? Not implying what is and isn't for you, more like a food for thought.