Structural Dissociation?

[Ronin]

You said there's wildly different priorities. I'm trying to say that different priorities can be worked with, it just probably is something you're not thinking of. Basically that compromises are doable & that maybe EPs have a point about areas of life where you should loosen up, and are adamant about botching your efforts because they grok your life from an angle you're not exploring? (I hope that's better).

 

[Pencil]

In theory, yes. In practice? Clueless, as ever.

 

[Pencil]

To be accurate: Each one is highly consistent - but they take turns taking over the executive functioning, and so priorities rotate. I've learned that if I wait long enough, the important things will become important again, and I'll act on it.

 

[Pencil]

I guess SD is the Lazy Susan Theory of Personality.

 

[shimmerz]

Just to jump in, I find it really interesting because what I am seeing in this posting is that different EP's and ANP's work in very particular ways. @Kaia it sounds like you have more control with your EP. Myself (and it sounds like @Pencil too), I couldn't get my EP to be consistent (besides being dramatic and helpless) if I had tried. I now seem to have switched back to ANP mode since my road trip and I couldn't get emotional if I tried.

Not sure if I am 'with it' in this conversation but my .02 if I am understanding it correctly.

 

[Pencil]

how far they are in processing their trauma

Some people never do. I think virtually everybody on the forum is in therapy, and therefore they are processing and assume processing is a given. Nonetheless, I think you have a very valid point.

 

[Pencil]

OH, BUT: The aim of therapy in the case of DID is integration, so DID is therefore also only a reflection of how far trauma has been processed.

 

[shimmerz]

and you're doing it just by being alive - now to make it more conscious 'something I'm doing well' for more parts.

I feel like my EP (who struggled to stay alive in the most primitive way) has a death wish. It is a passive one (like wandering outside to freeze), but she is fighting against my ANP, who actually wants to live. So the above quote is not necessarily a given. I feel like the 'system' will somehow keep alive but it is making my ANP life a holy living hell. If I understand @Pencil correctly, I think she may be having the same issues of EP pitted against ANP.

Does this even make sense?

 

[Pencil]

@shimmerz: Absolutely spot on.

 

[shimmerz]

I think one of the key components here is to figure out what the EP's (I am assuming because I have C-PTSD that I have 2 if I translated that correctly in the posting above) need to express emotionally. One of mine is an incredible fear of being killed - so she decides that life is not worth living. The other I think fears being hunted/seen/taken. Idk, still working on this one but I am wondering if others see it this way as well. I think we are not DID like (as in the posting above) and some of us have partial executive functioning and some of us none. Would love to hear how each of us are affected. I know I switch for years at a time with the 'observer' unable to do anything but stand back and watch, helpless to do anything.

 

[Chava]

I feel like my EP (who struggled to stay alive in the most primitive way) has a death wish. It is a passive one (like wandering outside to freeze), but she is fighting against my ANP, who actually wants to live

Holy crap, this says it all sort of. I've swallowed bottles of pills, but only when really wasted, but always freaked out and ending up going to ER for stomach pumping. But sober, it's been lot of the passive death wish, or outright planning to starve to death (which, though a "plan" leaves a little time for a better idea or intervention). When I finally had to start eating, it seemed like an okay idea because I like my life enough. But it was difficult in ways I could never explain in therapy. But that's about when I developed the bad physical pain. On some level I felt some part of my self was still determined to feel struggle, suffering, and barely existing. I also became pretty depressed like I was betraying part of myself, even though that didn't seem logical.

But I've noticed recently that my feelings of wanting to die are NOT totally mine (or not like comprehensively mine) but come from a place of powerlessness. So I'm doing whatever I can to take some action, however little or uncertain, to remind myself that I am not stuck or powerless. I don't want to die either. And I feel less like I'm fighting a part of myself that wants to passively die. But I am really fighting the pain, which is starting to feel too much like "me"...like a takeover. I recognize it's slippery because pain can block reason when it's intense and the painkillers just numb me out. I am getting more help for the pain but don't feel good about the insurance and therapy situation. It feels like I'm just starting to piece some stuff together. It's not together at all, but I don't feel totally controlled by this part of myself that is determined to self-destruct.

 

[shimmerz]

or outright planning to starve to death

I do this too.