Struggling Not Sure What To Do

[soulsearcher]

I have had a very rough week dealing with my PTSD. I am having SI thoughts, I am afraid to get out of bed. I am trying to not go back to my old coping mechanisms. The best way to describe it is I am just scared and feeling very vulnerable.

Does anyone ever get to this point? Any tips on what to do? I would really like to hear your suggestions!

 

[Flyaway]

Hi @soulsearcher

I'm sorry you're struggling so much! Have you discussed your SI with close friends or family? They won't know how to help unless your open with them with where you're at right now.

Can you identify what exactly it is that feels so unbearable you're wanting to end things? The reason I ask is because when I start feeling like this, I think it's because my soul is in conflict with my body- which I interpret as meaning that there is either unresolved trauma that needs to come out (that my spirit is just not ok living with), or I am in an unhealthy situation (like a relationship/friendship) and the core me -spirit- is again not ok living with.

It helps me to take a look at what it is that is hurting me and I then have to ask for the help I need to make whatever changes I need to, in order to move forward. It's only after I start making those changes that I start to get my fight back.

I hope this helps a little!

 

[soulsearcher]

Thx flyaway! I have told my therapist that if my inner turmoil and pain doesn't give me some relief I am OK with quitting life. She never replied! As I stated I am feeling really scared and vulnerable right now, e felt when I was a child and all this trauma happened to me. I don't know if I'm grieving or just reliving my emotions. It's like everything is triggering me (TV, self-help books, nightmares, etc) it feels like I am loosing control of myself.

I hope this makes sense and I don't sound crazy!

Most of all thanks for listening because I feel really alone in this fight!

 

[Nebulustrix]

@soulsearcher,

I've actually been feeling almost exactly how you've described your feelings the past few weeks. Suicidal thoughts have even been sneaking in - haven't had those since I was actually experiencing my trauma. I haven't openly recognized those thoughts or admitted to anyone until this post. They haven't been strong enough to have enough influence for me to consider them seriously, but they're there all the same - a constant pressure and stress in and of themselves making it harder to maintain any kind of positive attitude about anything.

Right now, I've just been pushing through it, forcing myself to continue being active, continue trying, continue going out there into those places where I'm feeling triggered and vulnerable and face down my fears. It is hard to do and I don't know if it's making things better or worse, but I feel for you.

 

[Justmehere]

You are definitely not alone in this battle! I'm so sorry your therapist didn't reply.

Something that I do when I start feeling scared or vulnerable is remembering the one place in the world where I feel totally safe. It is completely a pretend place that I just imagine, but it actually can help me ride to really tough times. I know it sounds cheesy, and sometimes it doesn't really make things any better, but it can help keep them from getting worse.

i'm glad you are reaching out here too.

 

[soulsearcher]

Still feeling awful and kids coming home soon, so time to put back on my fake it till I make it smile. I hope I can make it until Tuesday night for my therapy appointment. Also hoping I feel better and not worse after my appointment.

 

[Flyaway]

Sorry I didn't get back sooner- had a major regression and went to hospital for a few days.

You're definitely not alone.... No good person can experience horrendous abuse and feel like they want to be out of their body, so they don't have to experience the unbearable pain anymore.

What helps me is talking to the girl/teen in me that is hurting so badly- reassuring her as an adult, that she will NEVER be hurt like that again. I'm careful about who I let into my life- I recently walked away from another relationship because the guy I was with started to drop the nice guy act, and started becoming emotionally abusive. I wasn't willing to wait around to see just how far he'd go...

It helps to recognise what age @soulsearcher is hurting most- observe other children (or teens) of that age, recognise how vulnerable they are and what their needs are, then give that part of yourself what ever she needs. Whenever I need to comfort my 4/5/6 year old self, I play littlest pet shop on my ipad- it's something that my younger self would have LOVED! I find I can get a strong connection with her when I play it, and I just keep reassuring her and comforting her... I know it sounds strange, but it works! That part of me calms down and the flashbacks are manageable- I do the same for other ages I was sexually abused.

You need to find another therapist- someone with compassion, and a deeper understanding of what your going through. Some counsellors interpret honesty, or being straight forward as manipulative behaviour. They are idiots.

I hope therapy was helpful on tues!

 

[soulsearcher]

Thx! Flyaway! Your words hit right home with me! On tuesday the therapist suggested we slow it down. I don't quite understand I am going there for a reason. I don't really want to talk about the weather or other frivous things. I want to feel and become a better person, I was told the only way to do that was to talk about the pains of my past. I think I'm going to ask my T if she thinks I am being manipulative. Her answer may help with my decision on the next move of my Journey. I hope you are doing well and wanted to let you know you are a great person. I would enjoy talking to you anytime!

 

[Flyaway]

Glad I could help a bit @soulsearcher ...yeah, I find many people in our shoes just want to cut through the crap and hold onto whatever truths resonate with us... We've had enough bullsh*t thrown our way to last us several lifetimes, so we don't tend to play the same social- games that many other people play.

Some therapists are caught up in their own lies and games, as a consequence they don't recognise truth when confronted with it. If she can't handle suicidal emotions, she shouldn't be a therapist. There are other therapists out there who are much more capable and won't be so dismissive when you're in crisis mode.

 

[soulsearcher]

@Flyaway. I went and seen my T and can right out and asked if she thought I was being manipulative. She said no but part of her job is to assess of any harm. I explained that I was just being honest and telling her what is going on in my confused mind. She thanked me for having trust and honesty. If she feels that I am in harm she will have to get backup, meaning psychatrist and hospitalization again.
I hope you are doing ok and thx for sharing and listening.

 

[Flyaway]

That's brilliant- well done! I'm sure your relationship with your therapist will be much better for the conversation... Hope you're hanging in there!