Struggling To Become A Person Again

[saoirserylyn]

The condensed version of my story.

At five years old, my biological father decided he couldn't handle the burden (financially or mentally) of being a single father. I was dropped off in front of a church as I watched him drive out of my life. I sat on the steps and waited for him to return. Inevitably I was forced into the foster care system, which was a nightmare. I constantly changed homes - witnessed "siblings" committing suicide, physical, sexual and verbal abuse, financial distress. During this time, I first realized that I could emotionally turn myself off when I felt threatened. This ability made me a natural protector of the other children in my foster homes. I stood up for them and received the beatings in return because I always felt more emotionally and physically capable of handling the violence.

Later, I was adopted by a loving couple with a young son. At first, everything appeared like a dream come true in comparison to the life I had before. They woke me up in the morning for school, fed me, allowed me to learn and grow as a person. Then the fights started. I would startle awake in the middle of the night to my mom yelling and screaming. My dad was beating her black and blue. Nights on end, I heard the sounds, scared to confront her about the situation. As, I got older she opened up to me about what was going on. My dad was mentally unstable and took out situations from his past on her mentally and physically. They were romantically in love and married as high school sweethearts. Shortly after marriage, his demeanor took a turn for the worst and the abuse started. Financially she was trapped and scared to leave, especially because she loved the children - was religious - and prayed things would work out. She feared being with any other man and is therefore forever stuck with my dad.

At 15 years old, I begin a search for my biological father. My mind convinces me that a life with him may be better than the life I've led so far. I find him and approach him in person. At first, he is bitter and angry towards me. I am bitter and angry towards him. He allows me to move in, stating he will give me nothing more than a room. I take extra courses in high school to graduate early, so that I can begin working and helping the father that hated and abandoned me.

We go through rages together, each one ending with me on the street. I meet many older men during this period of my life that am reaching towards to have them save me. This begins a long string of horribly abusive relationships that I cannot leave. I am usually left heartbroken, battered and torn. I lose all self worth and begin working in the sex industry. I have no feelings towards respecting myself. I get involved with a man working at a local strip club, we begin a 3-year long abusive relationship. This relationships mirrors that of my mom and dad. He was romantic, sweet, charismatic, handsome... everything I could ask for in a man. I fall head over heels in love. One day out of the blue, depression strikes. He sees this as weakness and begins abusing me. I stay because I am convinced he abuses me because he loves me and I've finally found my one true love. He walks out on me. Again, I do not have the courage to leave a bad situation.

August 2012. I am kidnapped by an online admirer. Raped and abused by at least 11 different men for over a week. I black out constantly during this time. Waking up in the hospital, I have no recollection of what happened aside from police accounts and stories on the news. Two months after the event, I am back to living a normal life. Ignoring what happened to me. I meet an amazing man online in another state (that I happen to be transferring to for work). He knows nothing about me or my past, I assure myself this is the safest way to go.

Getting deeper into this relationship with my now boyfriend taught me that bottling up my feelings would only harm our love. He is very good to me and in an effort to protect that, I begin therapy. The black outs and flash backs start not long after. I feel like a horrible person for hiding everything from the love of my life. Therefore, I begin self destructing, I hate myself. I feel undeserving of life. I make horrible mistakes (like cheating) that inevitably led to severe depression.
Fast forward, within the last month, I have changed jobs and been notified that my biological father has passed away. The depression sinks me further into my self hatred caused by the PTSD. I am now regularly having panic attacks, blackouts, flashbacks, self harming, nightmares. I tried staying the night with my boyfriend this past weekend and panicked so bad I left and drove home in the middle of the night due to feeling guilty for keeping him awake. I am terrified of getting worse and losing my mind - the only good thing I have left. So as a last minute attempt to balance myself, I am here. Trying to reach out to others in my same situation. My therapist has been suggesting that opening up will be my best course for treatment, so here I am. I am going to use this diary to guide me, because it seems so many days I get lost. She calls it dissociation. I can't keep track of events in my life and my memory of the past seems non existent sometimes. So, here's to a hopefully brighter future. I really need the help.

 

[billie]

Welcome, this surely is a big step for you. Thank you for sharing. You are not alone here as some experiences youve encountered resinates with me. Day by day..... or at least one hour at a time. Wish you well :)

 

[Deleted member 23044]

Upon reading your story I felt the immediate urge to tell you that I love you and I'm so sorry for what you've lived through... it seems like some of us are chosen to go through these portals of pain but it doesn't mean we can't be free of them, we just travel through them and come out the other side.

You've written clearly here, straight to the point, the simplicity is quite beautiful. I can tell you have a strong mind, a good mind, and I felt the need to reassure you that there are better days ahead, for you. THERE IS A BRIGHTER FUTURE FOR YOU! I almost ignored that feeling and didn't reply at all but the feeling was so strong I came back to respond. Don't let the darkness and the pain upon waking up consume you and swallow you whole, look forward to the day when you can look back on this time in your life with appreciation. I do, and I believe that that day will come for me, too.

I know that writing/keeping a daily journal has helped me tremendously (but it took reading what I wrote over and over again, too). Write about something important/strong to you everyday, something that happened, a black-out, what happened before and after the black-out, a flashback, when it happened and where you were and who was there and what you saw, your sessions with your T, all of it. I've figured out and learned things about myself keeping a daily journal on these things.

 

[saoirserylyn]

Thank you both tremendously. I am finally reaching a point where I am willing to do anything (healthy) to feel better. I've been through trying to get rid of everything, but that didn't work. I need to learn to embrace my past, it has made me who I am (whether for better or worse).

robotdaily, it pains me to hear of anyone else going through what I live with. I am glad you are here and responding =D It mean't so much to me to read your response, so thank you. I try my best to keep it together, almost too well sometimes, I most often fall apart when I'm alone (unless it's something out of my control). I am going to start recording as much as I can on here, I have seen it helps others (you included) and am looking forward to seeing that progress for myself.

Today was rather uneventful. I am currently sitting on a plane alone. Heading back from my home town. I was there visiting for a few days trying to recover my biological father's belongings. I couldn't handle the stress of being there - the reminders of his being gone, reminders of my past trauma around every corner. Walking to grab dinner with my foster brother, I started feeling light headed - I picked a fight with him to keep myself from blacking out and ended up walking back to his apartment alone and in tears. Last night my panic became so severe, my best friend brought me into the emergency room because my heart rate was dangerously high and I couldn't calm myself down. They gave me some kind of shot and started me back on prozac. My medical history is a long drawn out disaster at the moment, maybe I'll write about it another time. Today my brain feels a lot less organized than it has the past few days. Hopefully this means the panic is ending and I will finally be able to get some sleep.

 

[saoirserylyn]

After a week of being choked by panic, feeling the entire world closing in around me - I feel as though I can breath. Alongside taking everyone's advice and documenting my symptoms, I also feel it will be beneficial to document the moments that make the symptoms easier to bare.

Tonight I woke up from a nightmare in which I woke up in a hospital with my boyfriend sleeping peacefully by my side. I was panicking (who wouldn't when you're confused as to how you've ended up there in the first place). This experience is very scary and very real for me as I've had this happen multiple times since my diagnosis last year. The long story short, my boyfriend wakes up to me freaking out and an argument ensues. He is frustrated because it seems as though I am never going to get better. I try explaining to him that my fears are legitimate, that there are no doctors to explain things to me and that I am trapped and alone. He gets angry, I am not alone because he is there. I push back and he leaves. I've lost him because I am over dramatic, it is my fault for not not getting better, it is my fault for not trying harder. I wake up sweating, disoriented, afraid, panicking. I can't feel the ring he gave me on my finger. Oh no, maybe he really did leave me. Maybe that's why I was in the hospital today, maybe that's why I wasn't making sense to the doctors. Everything in reality is such a blur. I reach for the phone and call Cameron.

He answers and the calm worried tone of his voice instantly soothes the panic flooding through my mind. He was worried about me. Magically, I twist the ring on my finger back into its rightful place. All is well - and good. The best part of everything is that when I open up and tell him what is going on, he sounds present. He sounds concerned. How could I ever convince my mind otherwise? Moments like this I wish I weren't mentally ill, I wish I could always know how much he loves me and never doubt him for a moment and give him the same things in return. I push him away, which upsets him, when people are upset they leave, then I'm afraid he's going to leave, I hate myself for everything, he deserves better than me, therefore he must be trying to leave, that makes me angry... it's a revolving door and it needs to stop. I guess this moment will be a good reminder - he is there for me and he can help - if I let him.

We just got off the phone after talking for an hour and a half (you can say it, I'm crazy for making any man stay on the phone that long). The whole conversation wasn't about me and my problems - success. We were able to overcome the obstacle together and just talk about life, real life. I already feel my emotions doing their balancing act. I wish he could know what he does for me... perhaps someday he will, but for now I am perfectly content keeping this moment of my life hidden here. It's a good one to keep close to the heart.

To a successful day. Deep breaths and maybe I'll sleep tonight =D

 

[saoirserylyn]

Going to see my therapist this afternoon and for the first time since I've started seeing her, I actually did my homework and am going in prepared with topics I want to discuss. She usually spends the first 30min struggling to find something in comfortable confronting or talking about. Today I'm going to address my sleeping problems and my smoking.

My boyfriend (and myself) agree that getting more sleep would cause me less stress and overall encourage the healing process. It seems like a really smart place to start. The only issue is - it's never that easy. "Just sleep more," is a phrase I've learned to despise throughout my entire life. I remember as a child in my foster homes, I would hide inside a walk in closet reading because I was afraid to have a light on in my room. My foster parents always hated me for not sleeping, but back then and today it feels like there is nothing I can do. I wish I were just a night owl, but I also thrive in the early mornings. I am creative and find the best distressing activities happen at night, but I'm a workaholic therefore being up early is essential. Must find balance. Everything in my life comes down to balance. I need to learn that the universe cannot be conquered in a day. The PTSD has made sleeping at night harder because I fear losing self control, I fear losing a grip on reality. I hate sinking into the land of night terrors, dreams are horrible traps in my opinion. Whether they're good or bad, I'm stuck there and generally wake up in a panic - covered head to toe in sweat and wishing I'd never laid down in the first place.

Anyway, smoking. My last pmeds did a number on my kidneys, so I'm urologist is on a new kick hating the fact that I smoke (what doctor wouldn't tell you to quit smoking). However, smoking really helps me escape in those moments of losing control. A cigarette helps me find myself in my head amongst the chaos. So, I opened up to my therapist about quitting smoking. She goes on to tell me that I absolutely should not smoke. Smoking encourages the panic attacks. So, I'm planning to quit sometime this week. I am going to choose the least stressful of my days, slap on a nicotine patch and make smoking a thing of the past. I'm just hoping I find another coping mechanism between now and that time.

Ughhhhh... I hate writing these diary entries. Sometimes I feel like I'm just ranting to myself, but yet here I am. Going to show my therapist this forum as well and see what she thinks. To me, it's like group therapy without of constraints of having to be with other people for longer than I'm comfortable or having to speak aloud in front of a group. I have a small amount of social anxiety that makes it impossible to be in a room with more than one person at a time. More on everything later. Going to finish my coffee and start my day.

 

[saoirserylyn]

Really struggling today. I'm currently on lunch at work and via text messaging my entire support system somehow managed to crumble apart. My boyfriend openly stated that he does not like talking to my best friend about me and that it annoys him. I panicked because this particular friend I've known practically since birth, she's the only person that has been in my life that long. I've had my share of problems with her, but we're like sisters and have developed our own formula for working through problems. She wanted to discuss my recent trip back home with my boyfriend from her perspective. He talked with her, but later told me that she was "spam texting" him and that he was annoyed by her. Him using that language in relation to someone I love dearly and care immensely about has left a scar on my heart. I can't handle them not getting along. It's all him. He doesn't want to help me. Now I've got this idea stuck in my mind that when I'm stressed and sending him tons of texts that it annoys him too and he's just putting up with me. This has all made me feel like a terrible person as I've been struggling to really open up to him finally and now he calls it annoying. I feel like I've taken a million steps back and that I will never feel comfortable talking with him about my problems again. I struggle daily with feelings of being a burden to others. And to have a boyfriend that makes me feel this way?

I keep reminding myself that I still have my therapist to talk to and fortunately I get to see her tomorrow. I guess I'll just go back to talking to her about things and not sharing my progress with anyone else. I'm still too afraid of being rejected and hurt. Obviously opening up to him at this point in time wasn't the right timing.

 

[saoirserylyn]

Therapy has been a mess this week. Work has been a mess this week. Friends have been a mess this week. Relationship has been a mess this week.

I finally feel better. I'm not snapping at anyone unexpectedly or crying at work and having to run to the bathroom. Things finally felt somewhat stable. Could be the meds or that I just genuinely don't care for drama this week. Who knows. But it seems that the entire world is so used to dealing with the ill version of me that they're not comfortable with the more grounded version of myself.

Then again, I'm often guilty of becoming emotionally numb from time to time. It's as though my mind and my body say - enough, take a break. I can't handle feeling what I need to feel right now. I wish people including my therapist would be more understanding of this time I take to clear my head. For me, personally, it feels nice.

Maybe not the best thing to do in terms of making progress, but sorry everyone my brain decided to take a vacation before giving me advanced notice.

Take it or leave it.
End rant.

 

[saoirserylyn]

Lately everyone around me that had been acting as my support system over the past year is beginning to turn their backs on me. I understand they may be reaching a breaking point. After they have been trying for so long it feels to them as though nothing is getting better.

All of this started because I'm in therapy at the moment attempting to emotionally connect to my trauma. As I've had a problem in the past with emotional avoidance of negative things in my life. I've been a pro at shutting things out and not dealing with them. At the moment, I feel incredibly proud of myself for dealing with things both in the past and the present emotionally.

The only problem is, I have really bad timing. As this is all new to me, I seem to be finding it easier to let the emotions erupt into a big huge argumentative mess. Everyone gets angry and frustrated with me, they wish I could just tell them what I'm feeling without turning it into a big huge crying dramatic mess. I'm struggling to figure that out for myself.

Am I wrong for attempting to let these irrational fears and irrational sadness out of my heart and piling it onto those that support me? Should I be keeping these things to myself and only discussing them with my therapist? It seems I'm just pushing away the people that care when I try to open up because I don't know how to do it properly.

It's as though I can tell myself, "calm down and just talk about how you're FEELING." But when I go to them, they'll say something wrong or accuse me and I'm all spouting nothing but harsh words and attacks. I can't control my emotions. They become so unbearable that I burst into someone else, someone that doesn't want help and just wants everyone to go away.

So at the end of my rope today.

 

[nomedic1]

Sorry to hear that, talk to one of us if that's going to help, but don't suppress your emotions.