Struggling To Know The Severity Of Consequences

[shiraz]

I am finding lately that I completely underestimate the consequences of my actions. I do think things through before I act, I used to be really good at identifying consequences of my actions, but lately I seem to be getting it all wrong.

I act on things which i have thought through and then am really amazed at how they affect others. At first I thought people were overreacting and escalating things way out of proportion, but a few days later, when I look at the situation again I can see that it is me who has underestimated the effect of the consequence.

I am really struggling with this. I have a flight response and what i am doing in that moment seems really rational and right for me and I can't see how it will affect others .... but it affects them, every time and every time I am told how it affects them. I can't seem to stop though, the next time I will run again .... I don't know what to do. I am hurting people and I can't seem to stop doing it.

I am afraid to do anything now. I just want to stay home and not act on my impulses, not be spontaneous and not 'do' anything lest I mess up ... of course, I will probably run again when triggered ... but I don't want to. It is just that staying put seems so HUGELY irrational in that moment. I have made promises not to run and broken them. I can't make any more promises until I get this under control.

I will also do things which seem really small or even trivial to me but others see them as really severe .... I didn't think what I did was so bad, but it really has a negative consequence which I could never have predicted. As I say, days later, I am probably clearer and can see the extent of the consequence ... the problem is I didn't know I wasn't clear when I acted.

Do others experience this? How do you cope with it? How do you let go of control and trust someone to show you what is really going on? How can the people you ask be trusted to have clarity? Do I just ignore my instincts on things? Do I wind myself up back into my shell where it is safe, just in case I do the wrong thing again? It is all about perspective and perspective between people is different, so how do I trust someone else's perspective instead of my own?

Urgh..... too many questions running around my head.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Shiraz,

I'm sorry that things are so terribly difficult, at the moment. "At the moment" is the key, they will improve, nothing bad lasts forever.

Follow your instincts. Trust the perception of those you trust.

For example, I have often times found your posts here honest and clear. I look forward to what you have to say. I believe you are speaking the truth.

Anyone you feel truly cares about you, may be a good place to start. They will say only something to help you, give you feedback.

And trust yourself, you are wise.
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[clare]

Hi Shiraz,

I can relate, but I'm not sure if the consequences you're speaking about are, as you say, subject to perpsective reframing, particularly since clarity comes only after a number of days. Are your actions truely dangerous or are you being slowly maligned? I'm sorry if I sound suspicous, I just don't "get it". As a comparison, I would fly off the handle at my husband with a verbal barrage of hate and threats of violence when I thought he was being manipulative, demeaning and threatening. I clearly felt threatened at the time, but after days of recriminations and badgering I would abandone any attempt at defending my behavior and apologize promising never to do it again. Of course I couldn't keep that promise. If I'm triggered, I attack the other person or myself. I haven't completely been able to stop it, but I have been able to set clear boundaries that help to ensure peace and safety: zero tolerance rules on name calling, threatening actions, noise levels i.e. screaming, no guilt trips-"no I'm not leaving the house-and that's ok for me". I set reasonable goals for slow progress. I don't know if any of this relates and I'm sorry if I'm "preaching to the choir".

If you think stress is somehow a debilitating factor in your decision making process, maybe meds can help. Have you been keeping a diary? What about a neutral parties opinion?

I really hope you can find a pattern that makes sense of why your acting the way you are, if it's actaully detrimental to healing as you seem to think it is. Please don't give up, (paralysis by analysis) you are an inspiration to me and many others and I believe you can find the strength to put the pieces together.

Thinking of you,:Hug_emoticon:

clare

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Shiraz, -I agree with Clare. Not all "reactions" or differences are "bad". Sometimes, it's (very) good to be assertive, and definitely true to yourself.

Sometimes it might come out in what others may view as frustration- or whatever label they put on it, but as long as you are ok with it, perhaps your reaction/ action is just fine 'for you'. I have a feeling that you go pretty hard on yourself, already. It's ok to take time out, when you need it.

Your healing and stress management has to progress at your pace, and then it will be true and permanent. It's not based on anyone else's timetable.

You have to make the most of the good days, go easy on yourself (in particular) during the challenging ones.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Maybe I am reading this all wrong, but what I took out of this is....You don't have good coping mechanisms for when you are triggered/having flashback/anxiety, so you run, escape, withdraw....Which is causing you to have other issues....

If you are in therapy, then working on building your coping skills will help tremendously. Running every time something happens, can and will, eventually cause negative problems to arise. It will become instinctive for you to run, and you will. Learning not to run, will be tough, but it can be done with the help of a good therapist, and coping skills......

Hope I got the gist of what you were saying, if not I apologize, and just ignore my response.....

 

[Pam]

Have you ever tried comic strip conversations? You use stick figures and draw in the conversation bubbles and actions before you make a decision about what to do next (if you can force yourself to do that, which I know is difficult). But even if you can't do that before you make the decision, it is helpful to draw the comic strip afterwards that demonstrates what was said, the action taken, and what happened just after. You don't have to figure out the whys. Just do the facts of what happened just before, during, and after the episode in comic strip form. The more often you do this, the better. Pretty soon you find insight. It is purely a practical strategy.

 

[evergreen]

Shiraz,
Remember to put yourself first. If you decide later you acted unreasonably, you can't hold it against yourself too much. You were triggered and triggered responses always sound unreasonable days later. Do what you need to do for you, if it makes others feel bad..that is their issue. I know it sounds harsh but it is so true. This could be manipulation used to control your behavior. In time, you will start to judge for yourself if you need to react so strongly to things. It takes time..lots of time..unfortunately. But it does happen.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Shiraz

I have to agree with She Cat and the reason I agree is I am like that, always have been. If I feel the slightest bit uncomfortable I run. I have moved, quit jobs and dumped people for what others would think stupid reasons. But I felt threatened in some way.

It is the fight or flight thing. It does not matter if you aren't being threatened in
some way, or something is uncomfortable, part of this ptsd is our perception of situations is often off the mark and we react in order to feel safe.

I have always told people in my life about my issues and how I may simply cut them out of my life. I have explained that I will get up and walk out of a room and simply not come back. If they can't handle it then I consider it their problem not mine.

I do what I do to take care of what little sanity I have. I don't mean to be rude or inconsiderate, IT IS CALLED SURVIVAL!

 

[shiraz]

Hi Everyone, thanks for all your thoughts .... this is still a tough one for me, it is difficult to admit that I am no longer AS capable and able as I used to be ..... I am getting used to the idea of being wrong and that being wrong is OK .... but also watching out for being true to myself (thanks Evergreen and Clare).

Thanks Junebug for your kind words of encouragement, they meant so much to me! Thanks for the suggestions Clare. She Cat, you are right about the negative reinforcement of habits - I see I need to face that head on.

((hugs)) to you all.