Struggling To Not Shut Out Therapist

[Justmehere]

I had the most vulnerable session ever with my therapist last week. It was very helpful. We talked about childhood trauma. It isn't the first time, but somehow, it was the most vulnerable time.

She told me it made her mad what my father did and that no one around him stopped him. My whole life, people have said my father is a good guy, and yeah, he has a temper… so don’t make him mad.

They have never said anything like what my therapist said, “he is acting crazy and was so cruel to you and needs to get his butt into treatment, be tossed into jail, this is not your fault! He had no right to rage like that. Period."

I sat there and kept saying, “but I knew he had a temper, I should have loaded the dishwasher right, and not argued with him when he got mad.” I knew what I was saying is off kilter, and of course no one should rage at their child for not loading a dishwasher correctly, but in the moment, as I talked with my therapist, I couldn’t quite think or say anything else.

Somehow, this session felt more vulnerable than sessions where we have talked about other trauma that was much more severe. We didn’t even talk about the physical abuse – we just talked about the screaming and yelling and the punishments – which were never consistent, but included not being allowed to go to school at times. For some reason, remembering those experiences with my father and having my therapist say, that makes me mad, that is so wrong, etc etc, REALLY affected me – in a good way.

However, I now suddenly feel like my therapist is TOO CLOSE. I want to shut down with her. Stop therapy for a few weeks. I have a session tomorrow and I’m really struggling with not canceling. I am scared I will show up and be shut down. I feel this way with other people from time to time, but this is the first time I have felt so strong like my therapist is just too close.

My therapist didn't do anything that I want her to change at all. She didn't self disclose too much or anything. It just now feels like she is too close and it's overwhelming.

Any suggestions on how to not shut down with my therapist?

 

[scout86]

Don't cancel. I feel somewhat like you're describing often. Just making it though the door and into the office and through the session is surprisingly helpful. Nothing bad has ever happened, no matter how much it feels like it will. I kind of think this is part of the process. (What ever "the process" is!)

This probably isn't the best way to think of it, but it helps ME to believe that "the bad guys" would be happy if I quit and I'm not going to give "them" the satisfaction.

Remember to tell her how all of this makes you feel and what you're struggling with.

And just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other?

 

[Ocean5]

Had a similar experience with my first visit when she asked for examples of youth trauma. Her absolute honestly in categorizing level of abuse was very validating and helpful. Yet very hard to go back, but I knew I needed to. I was afraid I wouldn't go back. Also, new I couldn't keep living like this... I went back and I did shut-down. I couldn't answer her questions. But I still go back, and it's getting much better not to shut-down.

Here's what helps me. I tell her first my fears or problems from last visit. Or have practice manager give a note or letter to read before seeing me. Lately I have something written I read at start when she wants update. That way I won't shut-down or leave things out.

I also try to notice decoration or things in her office to keep me grounded.

 

[Suzetig]

However, I now suddenly feel like my therapist is TOO CLOSE. I want to shut down with her. Stop therapy for a few weeks. I have a session tomorrow and I’m really struggling with not canceling. I am scared I will show up and be shut down. I feel this way with other people from time to time, but this is the first time I have felt so strong like my therapist is just too close?

I've felt this way too, I remember going back to session the first after disclosing childhood abuse and feeling so exposed and vulnerable and really struggling to be back in the therapy room. I told my therapist how I was feeling and why, it wasn't easy bit she got what I meant and helped me to unpick it. I'm now at the stage where I need her to stay emotionally and psychologically close to me when we're working.

My advice would be to go back and tell her you felt she was too close, explore what it was about her response that felt too much for you. If she's worth her salt it could be a really helpful discussion.

 

[FindingMyself88]

:hug: You are doing some incredibly hard work. I understand why you said what you said to your T. I often do this too when my T is telling me that something my mom or dad did was wrong. It's like if I can just excuse it to myself, I don't have to feel the pain that comes from it.

Often times when I've wanted to cancel ended up being the most productive. Maybe write a note to your T now so if you are shut down in the beginning, she can understand why??

You are so brave, I know you can do this. :hug:

 

[shrinkingviolet]

Vulnerability can be very scary, as is bringing up memories that we want to suppress. Sharing your feelings with a therapist can be a safe place, just go at your own pace. It does get more difficult before it can get better but I speak from experience that it is so worth it. It takes a lot of courage to talk about the wounds so deep, that no one can see or feel like you do. You should be proud of yourself. I hope you make it to your appointment and contine through clarity to find healing.

 

[Powder]

Just getting that validation and feeling good about it is progress, pretty significant. I'd be proud of that, for sure, first off.

I tend to think that with a T. unless they are new, they've heard lots of this kind of thing and worse, maybe, so I/you may feel more awkward about it than the T. does. Like going to the Dr. and feeling awkward, but they see bodies all day. Only I feel weird about it, but they do it all day for a living.

I agree on looking around the room if needed for distance, but also I would bring keys to hold in your pocket to remind yourself you are not a child and can leave at any time if you want to. ;)

When I am pushing out of a comfort zone, I do a support such as put Vicks under my nose, which only I smell and keeps me grounded and present, cuts through my dissociation and serves as a reminder, like an invisible string tied around the finger, that I'm pushing through a hard time and can support myself through it.

Some say take additional meds, but only if necessary. Using cold air from the window down or A/C on full blast works better for dissociation. If anxiety, then, I do meds.

Which seems to be the thing, anxiety or dissociation, or both or neither? Can you tell?

 

[Justmehere]

This probably isn't the best way to think of it, but it helps ME to believe that "the bad guys" would be happy if I quit and I'm not going to give "them" the satisfaction.

I love this way of thinking about it. I tend to be feisty at times, and I can see myself pouring all my feisty energy into getting my butt in the door of my therapists office, just to stick it to the bad guys. :)

But I still go back, and it's getting much better not to shut-down.

This is so good to read! I really like your idea about writing it down or getting it to her in a written format somehow.
@Suzetig - I'm really glad your therapist was able to help unravel it with you and it has shifted for you too. This is beginning to feel doable for me.

I often do this too when my T is telling me that something my mom or dad did was wrong. It's like if I can just excuse it to myself, I don't have to feel the pain that comes from it.

Yes!

I was imagining standing in our kitchen again, everyone telling me it was my fault for making him mad, believing it and trying to fix it, trying to make him and everyone else happy, and there is my therapist screwing up my primary way to cope with the pain: self blame. I know that she is right, but yet, I still keep going back to self blame because the pain is too much.

@shrinkingviolet - Thank you for the encouragement.

unless they are new, they've heard lots of this kind of thing and worse, maybe, so I/you may feel more awkward about it than the T.

This is very true. My therapist treats only PTSD, and nothing else. More than even other therapists, she has heard about this stuff, and so much worse, a lot.

I really like your ideas about how to stay grounded - especially the keys in my pocket and the Vics. I had a cold recently, and used REALLY strong cough drops and ya know, I was much less numb when I did that!

Which seems to be the thing, anxiety or dissociation, or both or neither? Can you tell?

I actually can't tell. She texted me about scheduling matters yesterday, nothing unusual, just her normal way of making sure I'm on her schedule for the next week, and she is always so freaking nice about it... it physically feel like music that playing too loud... This is how it feels for me when anyone feels "too close." It didn't used to feel this way. It only started feeling this way after the last major adult trauma 4 years ago. I texted her back and all was well, but still. So weird to push through. I can't tell if it is actually anxiety or fears or dissociation. My therapist knows it happens for other people for me, and she says it is attachment related - but I don't know where that fits in with everything. This is a great thing to talk to her about, and yet somehow, I may end up going in and just shutting down instead of talking about it.

I have an appointment today with her, and I think I am going to write and print her a quick note to hand her so that at least she will know, somehow, what is going on for me and why I'm struggling to even text back and say yes, I would like that appointment for next week.

Thanks everyone for the encouragement!

 

[Powder]

Attachment related is good to know, but maybe this topic could be elaborated with some resources to know what to do.

I don't know for sure, but I think I struggle with the same type of thing. Your idea of the music being too loud, Yes! That's a great way to put it. Do sounds actually sound too loud when this occurs?

For me they do, and I want to get away from people. It's hard to just work through it, and sometimes, I get a bit feisty with people as a result.

Great response above! I wanted to like it once for each piece of it.

 

[Suzetig]

The thing that worked with me was really taking my time, I'd give a bit and then back off for a couple of weeks - eg talk in headline terms about something traumatic, back off and talk about something else for the next couple of sessions and then tell a bit more until the gaps between the "headline" and the "full story" became shorter and shorter. Now I just turn up and we get right into whatever's around for me.

One of my coping strategies has been to compartmentalise everything, so not to link issues in work relationships with how I feel about myself, or how I feel about myself with childhood abuse, or childhood abuse with my current family relationships etc. I could talk about one of them, sort of, in isolation but couldn't link them or move between them in session. Little by little my therapist opened it all up almost without me noticing until one day she pointed out we had moved from a work situation, to my home life, to my self esteem to my work situation all in one session and without me batting an eyelid.

The work has been incredibly hard, painstaking work and not helped by me just not talking about things. I'd turn up for session and not mention the thing that had been on my kind for the whole week before, or that was causing me real stress or distress because i was ashamed of being bothered by it or felt it wasnt that big a deal for me or that she'd think i was stupid, or be bored of me. So, she'd be working in the dark, knowing I had something working on me but not knowing what it was. For the first time ever I went to my session this week with the thing that is really current and causing me a lot of pain and worked through it with her and it was sore, but ok at the same time. I am ever grateful to have an incredibly experienced, knowledgeable, patient, accepting therapist. She's changed my life.

All this to say, I know that feeling of being too close and struggling to stay present and feeling completely unable to open up, but it's worth hanging in there. I've taken journal entries to discuss, swapped chairs with her, sat in silence, brought "show and tell" stuff - you name it, I've done it. It's worth going back, letting her care for you - hard as that is.

 

[Justmehere]

I don't know for sure, but I think I struggle with the same type of thing. Your idea of the music being too loud, Yes! That's a great way to put it. Do sounds actually sound too loud when this occurs?

For me they do, and I want to get away from people. It's hard to just work through it, and sometimes, I get a bit feisty with people as a result.

They don't get louder but any sounds drive me up the wall when this happens! ugh. It's exhausting to endure. I get feisty too.

Little by little my therapist opened it all up almost without me noticing until one day she pointed out we had moved from a work situation, to my home life, to my self esteem to my work situation all in one session and without me batting an eyelid.

Wow! Way to go! I hope I get to that point. We actually have to set aside appointments just for family stuff to help me get into it at all...

I'd turn up for session and not mention the thing that had been on my kind for the whole week before, or that was causing me real stress or distress because i was ashamed of being bothered by it or felt it wasnt that big a deal for me or that she'd think i was stupid, or be bored of me.

I can relate to this a lot. It is encouraging to read how it has become so much easier for you.


Update:

I went to the session. I managed to spit out that the last session was the most vulnerable for me. I almost handed her the paper. I didn't left next to me, by my jacket, the whole time. I shut down. She suggested an excersie and it was a useful session, but missed the mark of what I really needed to deal with. We just dove into more family stuff. More of it. It wasn't much, and we actually talked about good things that happened when I was a kid and places I felt safe. I left and I did ok for a few hours, and then I went into a massive panic. I ended up losing it and texted her that I was having an awful time. She asked if it was ok to call me, and it was. We talked for 5 minutes and I was able to re-group.

And now I have been a mess all night and I'm in an intense panic now. I have no idea why. I feel like everyone and everything is too close. I screwed this up big time.

 

[Suzetig]

I've lost count of the number of times I've left a session thinking it was a complete waste of time, I didn't eat about what I needed to and was carrying stuff away with me. Literally the only remedy I've found for that is to be as openly myself as I possibly can be at the time, as honest and real. I don't always achieve that but it's my goal to be myself in all my vulnerability - I often don't end up speaking about what I thought I might, but the work we do is immediate and authentic and I leave feeling I've used the time well. I've been working with this therapist for well over a year and its only been the last 4/5 sessions that I feel I've learned how to "use" therapy properly.

It's bloody hard work and takes time to get there, every less than fulfilling session you have gives you something to work on that will builds the relationship. Be kind to yourself!