Struggling To Remember The Good Memories

[Matilda]

I know that I've said quite a few hateful and angry things in posts about my mother but at the end of the day I know that I love her and she loves me even though we both struggle to love in a healthy way. I found out recently (ok, it wasnt that big of a surprise) that I struggle to express love physically, in words, and sometimes in actions, but I excel when it comes to expressing love in gifts. Which is why Christmas time is such a blessing and a curse. It's the one time of the year where I can really show people that I care for, how much I love and appreciate them, but at the same time I stress so much about getting that perfect gift. I'm a sentimental person and pretty broke so I make most of my gifts. This year I'm taking children's books and turning them into an album of sorts. I'm making two "albums" one for my mom and one for basically my only and closest friend who hasn't abandoned me and I doubt she will anytime soon (I'd dare call it the most healthy relationship I've ever had). The one for my best friend will be filled with pictures correlating with the story and the retelling of how we met and have grown up together. There's sweet quotes and my little sarcastic comments that are poking fun at the story.
But then I started working on the one for my mom.
I was stuck on page 1 so I decided to take a break and try writing down all of my favorite memories of me and my mom. I got three down, but besides that I can't think of any more. And by can't I mean I'm struggling so much with remembering ANY good memories with my mother. I KNOW there are good memories. Wonderful memories, but I just can't remember them. I think I just had so much anger toward my mother in the past year that when I began to repress memories, I ended up repressing a lot of the good. It breaks my heart and its completely frustrating.
Anybody else have this problem?

 

[Seagreen]

How did you get on with this? I have a lot of memory loss from around the time my daughter was a baby / toddler. Most of the memories are gone, both good and bad. It upsets me a lot.

 

[Kintsugi]

I know that I have blocked out lots of good memories with the bad with a couple of my abusers. They come back in random bursts sometimes, then they fade again as I continue to battle the bad. Sometimes I don't want to think about the good, because it feels like those memories are somehow mocking my pain.