Struggling to work through a trigger

[I_Am_Titanium]

I'm not sure which category this fits under so I'm putting it here.

This morning my boyfriend inadvertently triggered me by something that seems "silly" to me yet it triggered me. I'm having a hard time getting through it with my journaling so I thought I'd post here to see if that helps.

This morning he told me he would get me a towel while I was showering since the towels were still in the dryer downstairs. I said okay and showered. Time went by and he didn't show up with a towel by the time I was done with my shower. I even took my time. I felt mildly irritated at this point.

When I stopped the water, I could hear him washing dishes. Then I felt angry. I managed to find a small towel to dry myself off with. When I was done, he showed up with a towel while laughing and he apologized. He had gotten distracted. While I understand no one is perfect and it happens, I then felt extremely sad and depressed after that. I started to cry. I think I was triggered and I think I now know why.

I felt insignificant and unimportant. And then I felt silly for feeling that. And then I tried to remind myself it's okay to feel how I feel and that I'm probably feeling triggered.

Like the time in college when I called my boyfriend asking him to pick me up after another guy had just physically attacked me. I managed to get away without being actually hurt. I was scared as hell, though! He refused to pick me up stating that he didn't want to risk losing his job. This from the guy who would quit a job at the drop of a hat because someone looked at him weird. I didn't have a car. I called everyone I could think of from a payphone (back when they existed) but no one was home. I ended up getting a ride home from a nurse. I think my guardian angel was looking out for me that day. I felt depressed and not important. It was not the first or the last time.

Like the time when I was on a family vacation with my kids, my now ex husband, and his father several years ago. We had stopped at a convenience store. I changed the baby's diaper, fed her, cleaned her up, and so on. I also had to use the bathroom myself and asked my ex to watch her so I could. By the time I was done, he had purchased snacks and drinks for everyone (except for me) and they were all impatiently ready to go, waiting on me. I was holding them up. Did anyone ask if I needed or wanted anything? Did anyone care? Did anyone think of me? I felt so very depressed after that. It was that moment that I had realized just how I hated to be treated like that and that something needed to change. It was that moment that started me on my journey to "waking up" and healing. There are probably more events if I think about it some more. I had mentioned it to my ex afterwards that I felt hurt that no one had asked me if I needed or wanted anything. He said I should have said something then. I probably should have. It was hard for me to speak up for myself at that time but I found the courage to do so afterwards. It didn't help. I still felt depressed and that somehow it was my fault.

Now I find myself feeling depressed and I don't know how to get past it. I told my boyfriend this morning that I think I was feeling triggered. He felt really bad and apologized. I told him I understand he got distracted and it happens. We're all human and make mistakes. I don't blame him for any of this. I'm just trying to figure out how to work through it. Any thoughts? Thanks

 

[BigBirdsSister]

Hi there!
It's totally understandable that this triggered you really. While your boyfriends intent was not the same as your exes, it still triggered strong and painful memories and feelings for you. We all need to feel like me matter to those we love and care about and when they're behaviour shows the opposite, it hurts like hell. I am really glad that you saw you deserved better while you were with your ex husnand. He totally invalidated your feelings,you didn't deserve that. I'd be upset too if I was treated like that.
What happened with your ex (?) boyfriend in college sounds like it significantly added to the trauma of the physical attack, so it is really understandable that even innocently being forgotten will trigger these feelings.
Your feeling are valid and deserve to be heard, and I am so sorry people in your life treated you like they were not valid.

 

[I_Am_Titanium]

Thank you

 

[Justmehere]

Now I find myself feeling depressed and I don't know how to get past it. I told my boyfriend this morning that I think I was feeling triggered. He felt really bad and apologized. I told him I understand he got distracted and it happens. We're all human and make mistakes. I don't blame him for any of this. I'm just trying to figure out how to work through it. Any thoughts? Thanks

You did well to ask for help. You were right on track to reassure him that you understand he just got distracted and being triggered wasn't his fault. In the midst of the triggered depression, don't lose sight of the good work you are doing to build up the skill of asking for help, and to separate out what is a triggered response or fitting for the present moment.

Are there times you do ask for what you need with him and your boyfriend now comes through? You had a powerful experience after trauma where people really dropped the ball very badly. Being triggered when a need was temporarily overlooked wasn't really about the present moment - but the fears the past is happening again now. Even though you may know the past isn't happening now, being triggered means part of you is reliving the past as if it is happening again or could happen again, and the core beliefs from the past being stirred up.

I felt insignificant and unimportant. And then I felt silly for feeling that. And then I tried to remind myself it's okay to feel how I feel and that I'm probably feeling triggered.

You are on the right path in how you handled this difficult experience of being triggered. I'd challenge you to take it a step further and work on identifying what is a thought, and what is a feeling, and challenging any distorted thoughts. It is indeed ok to feel whatever you feel, but sometimes in order to change what we feel we need to change what we think.

For example:

I felt insignificant and unimportant. And then I felt silly for feeling that.

These are not actually feelings. These are thoughts -- in the form of self judgement and core beliefs. Here are a couple of good threads on cognitive distortions:
10 primary cognitive distortions (negative thinking styles)
Negative Thinking Styles - Reframing Negative Thoughts, PTSD
Negative Thinking Styles - Reframing Negative Thoughts Pt 2
and another on identifying and changing core beliefs:
Finding Negative Core Beliefs - Uncover Your True Beliefs

The truth is that you are an amazing and strong and brave person, who is learning new skills. Your ex wanted you to believe you were not worthy of help and support, but that's bogus. It's time to begin to challenge such distorted thoughts and opinions, and begin to disagree with him, because he was wrong. You are worthy of support and you have a boyfriend who appears to be supporting you. You also are finding great ways to ask for help - from him, from the forum, etc - to live more of the life you want to live. Even during the aftermath of the trauma, you persevered. You found help.

If you get stuck on how to challenge a distorted negative thought/core belief, try thinking of other possible interpretations that are nuetral. I struggle with thinking "I'm a failure. I'm a bad person because I fail." I get really down whenever this gets triggered. So I'm learning to challenge it with "I made a mistake. I'm learning something new." This isn't pushing into "I'm a good person..." but it is neutral, and more useful than really harsh self judgement.

In terms of dealing with the present moment now... I'd try to find ways the present is different than the past. Think of any times you have asked for help, or expressed a need, no matter how small, with your boyfriend and he came through. Even if it's just asking him to pass the salt. It will help bring you into the present, the here and now, and relate to him as he is - someone different from your ex. (I hope!)

I'd also encourage you to not ignore the grief that has been stirred you didn't get what you needed in the past. Try to find some way to acknowledge you needed help before, and it is sad and scary that no one came through when you really needed it... but don't stay there. Reconnect to the present moment where it's over now.

Some of this process may take working through and utilizing DBT- style distress tolerance skills. One that I have been using a lot lately is called "opposite action." If I'm feeling down, I go do something fun and silly, even if I can't even smile. If I am feeling like staying in bed, I get up and get out. If I feel like crying, I watch silly youtube videos. You get the idea. It doesn't change what I'm sad about, but it helps me get through - allows me to touch into the grief and then step out of it for a time so it doesn't overwhelm me.

Easy to say, harder to do. You are not alone in this battle at all. Keep up the good work to sort this out! :hug:

 

[I_Am_Titanium]

Justmehere, thank you so very much! You are spot on! You gave me some great insights and things to think about, to work on. I believe this is what I need - to work on what is a feeling (sad, mad, etc.) vs a thought (I am insignificant). To work on my cognitive distortions. I've been doing this with my therapist via EMDR. We're also doing inner child work. All of this feels like I'm on the right track. Thank you all for your support! Lately when I'm feeling sad and depressed, I listen to my "feel good" music and it seems to help. I'm also working on grounding myself in the present through grounding methods. It helps when I remember to do it.

 

[SeedMan]

I'm so glad folks were engaging in this thread. I perceive everyone was doing their best and giving insight and perspective without telling anyone what to do. I'm raising a metaphorical glass of lemonade to you all who joined in! Observing you folks gives me a glimmer of hope that vulnerability and sanity still show up in the world. Cheers! :-)