@NovemberStar I so wish you were on the forum posting this when I was just about losing my losing my mind between August 2012 and July 2013. Being on the forum helped tremendously, yet there were times I felt 'not understood'. And now I'm caught between wanting to say something about it and wanting to forget about it altogether.
I know how damaging bad therapy can be - I've been through that as well, and although the last therapist stayed in email contact with me until recently (I ended it), and always came across as responsible, diligent and caring I felt she wasn't actually the right person for me as she was too cold and never managed to make me feel safe. In fact, I finally ended all contact with her because: For more than a year, with email contact only, I swung from one pole to the other where I wanted to get the hell away from her and end all contact only to be overcome by irrational, overwhelming fear and the need for her to be there. Once I had the reassurance she was still there, I was overcome with fear of the connection and I needed to get away from her. This drove me nuts. At the beginning of the year I finally managed to feel safe enough to not frantically want to end all contact, and told her that in an email. Her response was: "I am glad you experienced safety". This made me think / feel that she would have responded exactly the same if I had told her I felt safe at the other pole, away from her, and that it would have been better for me had I felt safe at the other pole. Her response somehow made me feel so deflated, and the whole email contact thing seemed just hopelessly pointless. (She thought it served a purpose and that I would eventually go back).
I don't see myself ever going back to therapy, for two reasons. I'm still struggling emotionally and therefore financially and I don't know how to get myself functioning at a level where I will be able to afford therapy. But more importantly, I'm scared shitless of going through these frantic feelings again. I feel stuck in a loop - it feels as if I have to battle to get myself to a higher level of functioning, and when I do I'll be able to afford therapy. But once I do, I'll go through the same feelings again, only to fall apart again, which will force me to stop again. It's an incredibly frustrating place to be.
I guess I'm writing all this as I am hoping your journey will make me more hopeful about therapy. And now I feel guilty and I hope this is not a burden.
I know how damaging bad therapy can be - I've been through that as well, and although the last therapist stayed in email contact with me until recently (I ended it), and always came across as responsible, diligent and caring I felt she wasn't actually the right person for me as she was too cold and never managed to make me feel safe. In fact, I finally ended all contact with her because: For more than a year, with email contact only, I swung from one pole to the other where I wanted to get the hell away from her and end all contact only to be overcome by irrational, overwhelming fear and the need for her to be there. Once I had the reassurance she was still there, I was overcome with fear of the connection and I needed to get away from her. This drove me nuts. At the beginning of the year I finally managed to feel safe enough to not frantically want to end all contact, and told her that in an email. Her response was: "I am glad you experienced safety". This made me think / feel that she would have responded exactly the same if I had told her I felt safe at the other pole, away from her, and that it would have been better for me had I felt safe at the other pole. Her response somehow made me feel so deflated, and the whole email contact thing seemed just hopelessly pointless. (She thought it served a purpose and that I would eventually go back).
I don't see myself ever going back to therapy, for two reasons. I'm still struggling emotionally and therefore financially and I don't know how to get myself functioning at a level where I will be able to afford therapy. But more importantly, I'm scared shitless of going through these frantic feelings again. I feel stuck in a loop - it feels as if I have to battle to get myself to a higher level of functioning, and when I do I'll be able to afford therapy. But once I do, I'll go through the same feelings again, only to fall apart again, which will force me to stop again. It's an incredibly frustrating place to be.
I guess I'm writing all this as I am hoping your journey will make me more hopeful about therapy. And now I feel guilty and I hope this is not a burden.