• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Struggling - Transference Is So Deeply Painful

Status
Not open for further replies.
@NovemberStar I so wish you were on the forum posting this when I was just about losing my losing my mind between August 2012 and July 2013. Being on the forum helped tremendously, yet there were times I felt 'not understood'. And now I'm caught between wanting to say something about it and wanting to forget about it altogether.

I know how damaging bad therapy can be - I've been through that as well, and although the last therapist stayed in email contact with me until recently (I ended it), and always came across as responsible, diligent and caring I felt she wasn't actually the right person for me as she was too cold and never managed to make me feel safe. In fact, I finally ended all contact with her because: For more than a year, with email contact only, I swung from one pole to the other where I wanted to get the hell away from her and end all contact only to be overcome by irrational, overwhelming fear and the need for her to be there. Once I had the reassurance she was still there, I was overcome with fear of the connection and I needed to get away from her. This drove me nuts. At the beginning of the year I finally managed to feel safe enough to not frantically want to end all contact, and told her that in an email. Her response was: "I am glad you experienced safety". This made me think / feel that she would have responded exactly the same if I had told her I felt safe at the other pole, away from her, and that it would have been better for me had I felt safe at the other pole. Her response somehow made me feel so deflated, and the whole email contact thing seemed just hopelessly pointless. (She thought it served a purpose and that I would eventually go back).

I don't see myself ever going back to therapy, for two reasons. I'm still struggling emotionally and therefore financially and I don't know how to get myself functioning at a level where I will be able to afford therapy. But more importantly, I'm scared shitless of going through these frantic feelings again. I feel stuck in a loop - it feels as if I have to battle to get myself to a higher level of functioning, and when I do I'll be able to afford therapy. But once I do, I'll go through the same feelings again, only to fall apart again, which will force me to stop again. It's an incredibly frustrating place to be.

I guess I'm writing all this as I am hoping your journey will make me more hopeful about therapy. And now I feel guilty and I hope this is not a burden.
 
@Pencil - not at all hun, no burden felt here. I am happy to share my 'positives' - at the mount I am filled with so much HOPE, I'd love nothing more than to be able to bottle it and send it out to everyone on here who is struggling with this!:hug:.

@Pencil - can you identify what it was / has been with previous Ts that has not worked? I ask, cos if you are able to articulate what it is that didn't help, it will help you get closer to knowing what might. For me, it's been trial and error.

This is the first time I have worked with a psychologist. In the past, I have worked with a psychotherapist (Gestalt), a counsellor training in Gestalt, and a social worker / counsellor. Maybe its the title of 'Dr' as part of my T's name (as in PhD in psychology) that has helped me feel safer, or perhaps it's because she is so professional… or maybe its because I feel she can handle it, or maybe its' cos I don't' feel she has had trauma in her life?

All I know is that with past T's, I have feel conflicted. My first one was probably good at her job, but was a lot older woman - and I was in my late teens. I never felt she was a 'mother figure' so never had any transference with her.

My second T was too emphatic - she I disclosed abuse details, she would say 'ohhhh November ……' and I felt like I was hurting her by sharing things, so I stopped. I also didn't feel the boundary between us was strong enough - she would let me txt her in-between sessions, phone her anytime. On one had, it felt I 'could' but it also felt … very scary in a way I can't explain. Somehow, her being TOO available for me, was threatening. Maybe I was afraid of my own fears escalating to a point where I'd force her to insert a strong boundary? I guess I feel I needed a strong boundary to contain my possible distress - with that T, while it might seem 'nice' I could have phoned herb up late and night suicidal andy expect her to 'help me', it didn't' feel safe because I couldn't SEE or SENSE the boundary, so it seemed limitless, and could have easily lead me to act out in a crisis, because I KNEW she would respond in the way I sought. ANd this would not be a helpful thing.

With my next T, although she never disclosed or hinted as to what trauma she had been through, she had acknowledged she had 'been through some things' and her website said she had 'gone through her own therapeutic journey'. So in the back off my mind, when telling her about my abuse, I was always worrying she might compare our stories and 'what if my abuse is nowhere as significant as hers? will she subconsciously invalidate my experience?'. When I began experiencing transference with her in the form of anger, I emailed her about it, and expressed my fears as to 'what will happen next' (i.e., the feelings might change and I might begin to long for her to be a mother to me). My fault here was that I did not elaborate and did not say I was afraid for losing the anger and developing different feelings - and she never bought it up either. I guess I needed her to help me talk about it more, but she never did.

I also felt my last T wasn't a good safety net for me. When I began to lapse into my eating disorder last year, as well as significant depression and suicidal ideation, I never felt she would ever phone someone or seek me help or notify anyone how badly I was doing. The very opposite of the previous T, although when I relapsed into anorexia when seeing her, she never noticed my severe weight loss, and if she did, she never bought it up (and I was too ashamed to bring it up, for months).

When I saw my current T, she did act. She was the ONLY one who stepped in and was proactive in making sure I was seen by the eating disorder specialists. It's not that I was not taking responsibility for myself and not trying to access help - I was begging for help; but the rest of my treatment team did nothing. They simply said 'we can't treat your eating disorder' and 'we can give you zero help with your eating disorder'. And sat back and watched me starve myself into a very bad condition medically, requiring a 2 week hospital stay for re-feeding. It was a consultant psychiatrist, and even when my GPs referrals were being declined and declined, she did not step in and talk directly to the eating disorder consultant. Had she done so, I would not have got as sick as I did. If I had had early intervention, I would have been able to turn it around. My current T is the only one who got on the phone and made repeated phone calls to everyone, to coordinate an approach to help me.

No one else 'believed' me until I lost 25% of my body weight and stripped of my practicing certificate (and a formal professional body notification was made) - no one except my current T. She never stopped fighting for me to get help and be seen. I know I would probably be dead now if she hadn't helped me in the way she did. Unlike all the others, she DID her job.

I also feel safe with her boundaries - she has never said I can't call her, but she has never given out her number, and only works one day at week at the service I see her at - and since I see her weekly, there would be little point in phoning her on the day I'm due to see her. I know where she works for the majority of the week, and in theory 'could' phone her in desperation, but that wouldn't feel safe in that I guess I would fear her response / putting up the boundary. She is happy for me to email her in-between sessions. I limit this to once a week, if at all. We have the understanding she cannot write a long reply - at best, it will be a few lines acknowledging my email, if I ask specifically for a reply. She has never clarified if she is 'available' for 'emergencies' - but I suspect she wouldn't be, in that there are emergency psych services I could call instead.

Personally, if I had a T that would encourage me to phone them in crisis / was too available more me in-between sessions, I strongly suspect I would lose the ability to contain my distress, and very easily fall into a parent / child relationship where I'd expect her to 'rescue me' - and that would be the worst thing in terms of coping, healing and keeping our working relationship as 'adult' as possible. I guess it means I remain responsible for my safety - and as a result, I do not have to fear her engulfing me if I am in crisis. So, it feels safer I suppose :).
 
I copied and pasted the following paragraph from 'What Do You Talk About?'

'I had the opposite experience: my mother was cold, distant, unapproachable, unreachable, and abandoned me, repeatedly. For this reason the same boundaries that ensure your T will not invade you, and make you feel safe, make me feel that the therapeutic relationship is in itself a re-enactment of the relationship with my mother. The rigid structure of therapy sessions is all too reminiscent of the discipline and structure of my childhood home. The very idea of therapy makes me feel incredibly threatened. The last therapist at one stage pointed out that the 'barrier' between me and her was the same as that between me and my mother and that it had to be 'very, very hard' for me. I couldn't see the point of putting myself through that torture.'
 
@Pencil , I am sorry. :( I must confess I haven't read all of this but I understand how you express that. I think it doesn't necessarily have to be about transference so much as what has been learned, experienced, feared (because of past experiences) & thus avoided. Pavolv's dog didn't have transference, but I bet he would have avoided anything associated with pain. It's like conditioning with reinforcement, or worse yet intermittent reinforcement (that you can't even predict enough to avoid). :( What is threatening to one may be different or the opposite from another, but it's the same principle.

Maybe 'unravelling' is a necessary part to starting anew?

:hug:
 
I think it doesn't necessarily have to be about transference so much as what has been learned, experienced, feared (because of past experiences) & thus avoided. Pavolv's dog didn't have transference, but I bet he would have avoided anything associated with pain. It's like conditioning with reinforcement,
Absolutely spot on, thank you. And my experiences with therapists have mainly reinforced that.
 
And so I've come to the conclusion that it would be insanity to PAY someone to not give a shit, and not be there, and not ... just generally 'not'.

Skewed thinking I know, but ... I can't get beyond it.
 
I think it has to be unique for you @Pencil, & that's ok too. I too can't envision the conventional therapy per se route.

Could you think of it as however, that you are going there for their skills & expertise? If they turn out to be trustworthy & having depth or caring that would be a bonus.

Hugs pencil, xox.
 
@Junebug I don't want to be a wet blanket, but I honestly seem to get the duds. Really, I've had therapists that ranged from useless to downright damaging.

I know this thread is not the place, but I can't get to your profile: How are you and your sister doing?
 
Thank you @Pencil I will check profile. Sister scheduled to get fluid removed this afternoon, I am falling apart & look frighteningly normal.

That is the key pencil- THEY WERE duds, & to recognize that. It isn't you, & it doesn't mean there isn't the right one out there. I stand by what I said way back- you have to have someone special because you are special. 'Special'- not 'hopeless'. :hug:

(PS, I changed my settings but I don't know what I'm doing! :rolleyes: )
 
But more importantly, I'm scared shitless of going through these frantic feelings again. I feel stuck in a loop - it feels as if I have to battle to get myself to a higher level of functioning, and when I do I'll be able to afford therapy. But once I do, I'll go through the same feelings again, only to fall apart again, which will force me to stop again. It's an incredibly frustrating place to be

I'm sorry you feel stuck in that loop. It sucks for sure! Can I encourage you that slowly, eventually the frantic-ness goes away with a good T? I have struggled with really, really significant attachment issues.

I'd had a similar previous experience with therapy. A T who wasn't experienced with specific attachment stuff and didn't maintain the best boundaries. The push and pull of attachment made me feel crazy and I never wanted to do therapy again. Well 10 years later, 10 years lacking any significant relationships or friendships, I decided I had to try.

It took a long time (a solid 3-4 years) and a lot of work (for both of us, I'm sure) but I can say I did securely attach to her, finally. The frantic-ness (that's such a good word to sum it up) faded slowly but the "I cancelled last session because I was sick, and now I don't trust you and need 2-3 sessions to get there again" took closer to 3 or 3.5.

I just wanted to share that. I used to think there wasn't a part of me that could ever "get there" (and there wasn't, back then). My previous experience in therapy and the feelings of having an avoidant / disorganized attachment style was just maddening, even divorced from the actual content of therapy. My T actually helped me understand that chaos so well that even now, when I experience those chaoic feelings surrounding attachment, I'm able to understand and tell myself the truth about them- which helps immensely.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top