seekingstability
Bronze Member
Last night we had family night – we have it every week but usually it’s a dinner inside – the girls usually have a few wines, the boys have a few beers, everyone goes home happy and reconnected. Last night we had dinner outside and lit a bonfire – everyone sat around and chatted – we were there for the same amount of time that we usually are but the atmosphere was different – It was more of a camping feel.
My husband Jordan drank more than he usually does on a Thursday night and when I asked if we could leave he said ‘yeah let me finish this beer’ which is fine! Totally fine and I don’t have a problem with him wanting to finish his beer before we leave but straight away I was back as a kid waiting for my Dad to finish a beer, asking to go and being told to go get him another one and the more I asked to leave the more beers he was going to drink.
I suddenly remembered every detail from being at a party with Dad. There was a guy at the party that was particularly rough – Jules and Jodie were there with Scotty and Jim. I had gotten a new Yo Yo that lit up and the guy that I was a bit wary of asked to have a go – he was doing tricks and swinging the yo yo between his legs. He was wearing short footy shorts that were loose, when he swung the yo yo it bounced up and got caught in the crutch of his shorts. Everyone started laughing and he unattached it from his pants, rolled it up and tossed it at me but instead of trying to catch it, I jumped out of the way because I didn’t want it to touch it. I started crying and saying that I didn’t want it anymore – that I wanted to go home. Dad told me to go get another beer for everyone. When I went inside I bid behind a couch and was crying. Dad came in and put the yo yo in my lap and came up close to my face and said ‘you don’t cry here, stop embarrassing me’. Jules came in and asked me what was wrong and I remember telling her that I wasn’t used to people drinking and partying – that my mum and her friends didn’t do that. I stayed inside on the couch on my own and eventually fell asleep, I woke up to the guy who had my yo yo standing next to me with my dad – they were laughing and he grabbed my yo yo which was on the floor and put it down his pants then took it out and touched it to my face. Dad was laughing and clapping his hands and doubled over. My brother Hayden was just standing there smiling. I don’t remember what happened after that. I had that whole memory come back to me and I knew I was dissociating – but I couldn’t stop remembering, I couldn’t stop thinking. Then when we got home Jordan just climbed into bed and all I could smell was beer. I asked him to brush his teeth and he just rolled over and muttered something – I wanted to yell at him – you smell like uncle joe, and my dad and my brother – I had nightmares all night – Jordan kept waking me up telling me I was struggling and yelling out and I kept pushing him away. He had a shower and brushed his teeth at about 2am and tried to hold me but I couldn’t. I feel so fragile today – so on edge, so jumpy and in my head.
How do I contain my memories. How do I stop remembering and dwelling and thinking when I have a memory lingering. Its all too intrusive at the moment.
I want to call my therapist but I'm worried she'll just say 'go to your safe place' and I'll feel like I've wasted her time. I've tried to go to my safe place - and it's good - I feel calmer but every time I get grounded, I feel exhausted and then sad and then can't stop thinking about it. It's a vicious cycle today. Maybe it's just a bad day - maybe I just need to get over it. arghh.
My husband Jordan drank more than he usually does on a Thursday night and when I asked if we could leave he said ‘yeah let me finish this beer’ which is fine! Totally fine and I don’t have a problem with him wanting to finish his beer before we leave but straight away I was back as a kid waiting for my Dad to finish a beer, asking to go and being told to go get him another one and the more I asked to leave the more beers he was going to drink.
I suddenly remembered every detail from being at a party with Dad. There was a guy at the party that was particularly rough – Jules and Jodie were there with Scotty and Jim. I had gotten a new Yo Yo that lit up and the guy that I was a bit wary of asked to have a go – he was doing tricks and swinging the yo yo between his legs. He was wearing short footy shorts that were loose, when he swung the yo yo it bounced up and got caught in the crutch of his shorts. Everyone started laughing and he unattached it from his pants, rolled it up and tossed it at me but instead of trying to catch it, I jumped out of the way because I didn’t want it to touch it. I started crying and saying that I didn’t want it anymore – that I wanted to go home. Dad told me to go get another beer for everyone. When I went inside I bid behind a couch and was crying. Dad came in and put the yo yo in my lap and came up close to my face and said ‘you don’t cry here, stop embarrassing me’. Jules came in and asked me what was wrong and I remember telling her that I wasn’t used to people drinking and partying – that my mum and her friends didn’t do that. I stayed inside on the couch on my own and eventually fell asleep, I woke up to the guy who had my yo yo standing next to me with my dad – they were laughing and he grabbed my yo yo which was on the floor and put it down his pants then took it out and touched it to my face. Dad was laughing and clapping his hands and doubled over. My brother Hayden was just standing there smiling. I don’t remember what happened after that. I had that whole memory come back to me and I knew I was dissociating – but I couldn’t stop remembering, I couldn’t stop thinking. Then when we got home Jordan just climbed into bed and all I could smell was beer. I asked him to brush his teeth and he just rolled over and muttered something – I wanted to yell at him – you smell like uncle joe, and my dad and my brother – I had nightmares all night – Jordan kept waking me up telling me I was struggling and yelling out and I kept pushing him away. He had a shower and brushed his teeth at about 2am and tried to hold me but I couldn’t. I feel so fragile today – so on edge, so jumpy and in my head.
How do I contain my memories. How do I stop remembering and dwelling and thinking when I have a memory lingering. Its all too intrusive at the moment.
I want to call my therapist but I'm worried she'll just say 'go to your safe place' and I'll feel like I've wasted her time. I've tried to go to my safe place - and it's good - I feel calmer but every time I get grounded, I feel exhausted and then sad and then can't stop thinking about it. It's a vicious cycle today. Maybe it's just a bad day - maybe I just need to get over it. arghh.
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