Struggling With Motivation And Recovery

[mrsmegan]

I have really taken a step backwards in terms of my motivation recently.

I know it is likely due to the uncovering of new memories that are just really, really hard for me to deal with. It makes me feel even more broken and hopeless in a lot of ways.

There is just a huge part of me that wants to stay stuck, that thinks I deserve all of this pain and shame, and anytime I make progress or have something positive happen - it is right there to remind me how worthless I am. It sucks because I don't want to seem like I am not trying or that I don't care.

Can anyone else relate to this? It is so frustrating....

 

[Tinyflame]

I can't relate to lack of motivation or wanting to stay stuck, but due to fear, & fearing the worst as a consequence of 'hope' or letting my guard down (not that I can prevent anything with it up, FWIW), & fearing "who-do-I-think-I-am to expect anything, or any 'good' ('not bad')", & also sheer difficulty & the unknown (& fear of the/ any future I guess), & so much to 'not' hope in or contend with, I do relate to this:

I know it is likely due to the uncovering of new memories that are just really, really hard for me to deal with. It makes me feel even more broken and hopeless ..part of me.. thinks I deserve all of this pain and shame, and anytime I make progress or have something positive happen - it is right there to remind me how worthless I am.

Hope that makes sense. Not good at finding the words atm. :rolleyes: Best wishes & welcome to you. :hug:

 

[CDee944]

It makes me feel even more broken and hopeless in a lot of ways.

I can understand this. Moving forward hurts. I used to be able to just shut things out. I would have no emotional reaction at all to things I certainly should have. Now I am feeling things so I have to deal with them. I just haven't really learned how to yet.

You DO NOT deserve pain and shame. You do deserve to take it slow and give yourself time to learn how to deal with these new memories.

 

[Sideways]

Urgh! Trauma Brain!

Trauma somehow manages to teach our brain that for every good thing that happens, we should feel guilty about it, ashamed because of it, or like we don't deserve it. And for every bad thing that happens? Absolutely deserved that!

Right through the recovery process we have to gently remind ourselves "there's that Trauma Brain again", and continue function regardless.

My Trauma Brain can convince me that I should feel guilty and ashamed of myself if I have to reschedule an appointment with my T, and tells me that Indon't deserve to inconvenience him like that. Stuff like that happens on the daily. But if I actually need to do it, I've got to just say, "Thanks Trauma Brain, but actually I need to do this, it's allowed". Even though I have the guilts and the shame, I've gotta keep bashing away at recovery anyway.

 

[Friday]

There is just a huge part of me that wants to stay stuck, that thinks I deserve all of this pain and shame,

Yep.

It was something of a moment when I looked backwards and thought to myself "Wow. I was really f*cked up last year." Instead of "Bitch you deserve that and far worse. Suck it up."

 

[Tinyflame]

..you deserve that and far worse. Suck it up

Yes I always equated that to moving forward.

 

[mrsmegan]

Thanks everyone for your replies - for some reason I didn't have my alerts on, so it didn't tell me people replied :-/

I loved everything you said, @Ragdoll Circus, something my T will remind me to do (that works some of the time) is to talk to myself when I am feeling especially anxious and say - Thanks body for the warning, I appreciate your concern, but I am safe here, so you can calm down now. So I think I could definitely do that with my Trauma Brain - it is a really great thought. Thank you.

You DO NOT deserve pain and shame. You do deserve to take it slow and give yourself time to learn how to deal with these new memories.

Thank you @CDee944

 

[Tinyflame]

Maybe I too have to reconsider throwing caution to the wind, & overlooking (if not dismantling) my thoughts about myself, to enable recovery?

Best wishes to you. :hug:

 

[Jim Briar]

Urgh! Trauma Brain!

Trauma somehow manages to teach our brain that for every good thing that hap...

I find myself constantly in battle with these thoughts. I know they are my damaged self telling me these negative thoughts and I attempt to confront them with positive thoughts but it just never ends.
I understand the idea of just wanting to get stuck but with me it's not wanting to be stuck it's just tired of fighting. But trying to stop the confrontations with myself doesn't seem to work. It's a constant bombardment of negative statements I make to myself. I can't control the initiation of these thoughts and am constantly reacting to them by making positive statements when the bombardment starts.
I'm so tired.

 

[mrsmegan]

I'm so tired.

Me too :-/

It's hard.

 

[Sideways]

@Jim Briar - if it's any consolation, I am not a "positive affirmation" kinda gal, especially when I'm at rock bottom. There's no point trying to force happy thoughts on yourself when you don't believe a word of it.

When you're at rock bottom, or thereabouts, the point is more to acknowledge that your head is throwing at of it's usual rubbish at you ("oh, brain's reminding me that there's no point to everything - thanks brain, but I've already heard that line a thousand times"), and do what you can to keep functioning anyway.

Don't try and force happiness on yourself. Don't expect yourself to be able to function flawlessly - just do what you can despite the thoughts.

 

[Zanshin]

"Liking" things here out of empathy - I'm at the same point right now. It's such a roller coaster, why try to go up a hill when I'll just be going back downhill again?
I'm still adjusting to information received almost 4 years ago that caused a PTSD rage, it's really hard to recover from.

I wish you the best. Some days the best I can do is get through it, poor coping mechanisms and all... though my long term goal is (and has been for years) peace.. I wish you the same.