You are making sense to me... Like, what the hell is 'just me' with out all that that you listed.. Surely...
You said it perfectly! That’s exactly what it’s like. I was diagnosed with DID not too long ago and I’ve had so many different diagnoses previously but experience everything like depression, suicidal attempts, manic like episodes, OCD, ADHD, anxiety, panic attacks, hyperarousal, anorexia, bulimia, binge eat, addictions, etc. I was first diagnosed with bipolar 2 then bipolar 1 in my 20’s but didn’t get help with anything I was suffering from. I had really bad bouts of depression and the anorexia started as a kid because my home life wasn’t very safe. I was a perfectionist. I HAD to be perfect because that’s the only way god could love me and was hoping my parents would love me too. It’s like since I was the “perfect” and quiet child, I was ignored. I didn’t have a sense of self as a child. It was like I took on all the insecurities and self-hate traits of my mother and the good traits of my father like being a hard worker (also black and white thinking, obsessive behaviors which sometimes could have been seen as a positive quality). I never had a me. After I was raped, my personality changed completely while it was happening and I know now that I had already had different personality states previously but a new one was created so it was like the rape didn’t happen to me and I told no one. That new one was outgoing, social, sexual, brave, and had absolutely no fear of anything. I’m glad that happened because I was able to do many things the other ones couldn’t do but then more trauma continued to happen and pile on and be hidden away. All I was was was rotating symptoms of workaholic, eating disorders, depression, mania, addictions and my whole purpose in life was to find a man to love me. Being a “perfect” girlfriend by having a perfect body, being interested in only what he was interested in (I didn’t have my own interests or my own opinions), having sex all of the time, etc. I know now that that’s not love but after I would let a guy use me then leave me I would find another one and that’s how my life was. I was never loved.
I’ve always been a high functioning mess. I was able to work and I was independent (except I was always looking for a man to love me). All the pain was hidden but of course would show up through those symptoms so I was miserable but nothing lasted long because I was always changing like a chameleon. I describe my life like if I was a stick being carried by a river. I had no control over where the river would take me. The river led the stick over rocks and dangerous waterfalls too many times and and the stick finally broke. No more high functioning and now I’ve been on disability for 7 years and live in my own home with two kitties who are the only reason I live. I’m 43 years old and I seldom leave my home. I have no purpose. My purpose is to protect my kitties. I have never felt a connection with anyone especially a self. I’m in a constant state of dissociation, derealization, depersonalization and personality states changing constantly. The name my parents have given me is Torie and when I hear that name it’s confusing because what is that? It’s not real. I’m not real. I do not want to be real.
So why do I want to be unique? Right now I don’t know. I’m not sure why I even wrote this post because it’s not the one I am now who wrote it. Maybe I am lonely and want to share my story. Maybe that’s it. Whatever it is, thank you for caring enough to write to me:x3:
