Struggling with the New Year

[SeekingAfrica]

I am really struggling today. Maybe no one will read this, but I had to do something. I had to do something really important this morning. It was supposed to be done today, but because of details I didn't predict it will now extend into the next week, and it will involve me having to ask for help again(practical one). And my T' office is taking break for the holidays. I feel like a failure, because I'll be starting the New Year at home cuddled with blankets on the phone with a friend(she's in another country and we are helping each other instead of making other plans). I thought today would be my first step proving I'm more independent finally, but instead I'll be starting the year knowing I'll need help and not being sure from which of two options it will come. And praying at least one comes through, although I was never the praying kind.

So this morning after it happened I had a plan. I was going to rest and celebrate today, and make a gameplan tomorrow. But I took a nap and I had a meal and I woke up restless and in pain again. I feel useless. I feel like a failure. I feel like I can't start anything in this state, but I am too restless to rest. My throat hurts. My body hurts. This was not my plan for how this year was going to go and I dread the fact that another year is coming. I'm scared of this deadly feeling in me, like I am one step away from being in actual crisis or wanting to hurt myself. I don't want that, but I also don't want this. I don't want to spend hours pretending I am fine when I'm not. I don't want to start the new year with so much mess hanging over my head. I don't want to be myself today, I really don't. I feel like a waste. I had a plan. Nothing is open tomorrow so it would be good chance to cuddle up at home and get some physical and mental organization in. And do some self care. But if today keeps going as it is, I may wake up with that feeling and waking up with this nothingness in my chest is horrible.

I could do something, but everything is a disaster and I can't start on one thing without thinking about the rest. I can't pretend that my life is fine. I needed this one thing to happen today and I failed. I know in a big scheme of things it may not matter, but right now, I need hope. I need for this not to be how my new year starts. I need more time. I need to change and I need time and I hate this feeling. Like when I am so blocked that doing one task is not enough, I need to NOT be me. I need the apartment to be clean, I need my computer files to be ordered, I need to not start the year with endless list of tasks. I need for something significant to be different because I am in too much pain and I don't want to start the year this way.

 

[Rani G2]

And do some self care. But if today keeps going as it is, I may wake up with that feeling and waking up with this nothingness in my chest is horrible.

I am reading @SeekingAfrica. Waking up with futility, pointlessness is hard to be with! It’s painful and sometimes it feels as if escaping reality is the only way to somehow find ones way back home again. I have no ideal route on how to do that, find significance, give meaning? Maybe you can Do one thing that gives you joy? One thing, right now...
Sending support!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I am reading @SeekingAfrica. Waking up with futility, pointlessness is hard to be with! It’s painful and sometimes it feels as if escaping reality is the only way to somehow find ones way back home again. I have no ideal route on how to do that, find significance, give meaning? Maybe you can Do one thing that gives you joy? One thing, right now...
Sending support!

Thank You! This will be a long day/night. I literally took a bath on candle lights, because I needed to do something. Planning to journal and maybe see if I can write in one of the crisis lines...if there was ever time, this is it. Every next 15 min another thing reminds me of something I haven't done and feel I will ruin. I'm so scared and so tired and I wish I could redo the whole last year. I feel nauseous and they started fireworks here too, which bring the freeze reaction in me... They are still spaced out in time. Once they start being all the time when it's close to the new year it gets really bad. I really really don't want to be me right now. I am so easily set off, and that also means vulnerable to memories...

 

[Invisible Fire]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I would start with just sitting and focus on breathing in and out deep in for 4 seconds and out for 4 seconds for at least a minute. Just breath.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I would start with just sitting and focus on breathing in and out deep in for 4 seconds and out for 4 seconds for at least a minute. Just breath.

Thanks! I am trying. I am starting to feel like I'll manage tonight...managing the next 2 weeks on the other hand still makes me feel like I'll throw up if I think about it too hard. I guess I need to take it moment by moment, huh?