Struggling

[freya]

At the moment I am struggling SO hard.
Up and down and sitting on a big mountain of 'spaghetti', as I call it; a bunch of thoughts that I cannot make sense of.

I don't KNOW if I'm right in being mad with a person. I am afraid not.

I think something innocent happened and I'm 'blowing it up' (as I was so often told I do - only now I know that this is PTSD and not just my rotten character...).

I don't know what to think.
It's said that those with PTSD often think in black and white terms. I think I am doing that now.

I think of one (or a few) things a person said and I draw conclusions from it. I think he's 'against me', insensitive, and that it's unable to talk with him.

This while I KNOW the person cares about me. And meant well. And told me yesterday he didn't realize exactly what I meant when he responded with what I took for a huge judgment on me and something that's important for me.

Argh. It was a misunderstanding. I think. BUT it feels like an attack.

And I can't leave it alone. I discussed this with my father, who has PTSD. They always said I am just like him: the type that 'broods'. By now I think it's not a character trait I inherited from him; I think it's because we have the same (sort of) disorder.
I get into this sort of trap, something simple happens, somebody says or does something simple, and I don't know if I should take offense, I do FEEL offended, I say so, next I feel I have to apologize, by then the other person doesn't know what the h. it's all about, and next I just keep going in circles, on and on. Thinking bout it for hours.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. I feel so lonely now. Upset. I can be so utterly confused when this sort of thing happens. I think it's this ongoing confusion that was also the cause for me to become psychotic, years agao.
And I'm angry with myself because outside, it's a beatiful day. I 'should' be enjoying myself, there is 'no reason' to be this upset.
I think I'll go walk my dog.

Can you relate in any way? If so, how do you deal with this? Or heal from it??

Freya

 

[TLight]

Freya,
I can relate with this confusion. It is definately suffering when this occurs.

Perhaps you can get a 'reality check' from someone who's opinion you can trust, or from us on here on the situation.

Yes, we do tend to think in black and white. I think it's part of our survival strategy........so don't get down on yourself. Your brain's wiring is probably attempting to protect you somehow.

Reality checks from others who are stable are a good idea. Do you have a therapist?

 

[BethRSA]

Hi Freya,

You are not alone! I don't often get upset about what others sense is "nothing", but when I do, it's not pretty. When I spoke about how I felt with a trusted friend (who I wasn't cross with), he understood why I felt that way, but also helped me realise how the other person may have been thinking.

I think it's a good idea to have a "reality checker". It has helped me many times since the Thanksgiving that I really lost it.

 

[freya]

Thanks. The problem is that this issue was with the person who acts as my therapist. He is not a therapist, but a life coach (this means he's not been trained to give therapy - the reasons why I see him rather than a therapist are a bit too complicated to explain right now).

I told him something about a school/ training (in an esoteric subject) I want to do, I want to specialize in a subject he knows a lot about. I'd expected him to encourage me.
I said something about how the introduction to this school to me gives me the idea that it's a tough training. The training is using a different method than my coach is using. He laughed about what I told him about the introduction. I asked why he laughed (and of course I did this in a matter-of-fact, 'cool' way while being anxious underneath). So he explained, and in his explanation made a few jugdments about the training I'm looking to start. The worst thing he said about the training and the people giving it was something like 'naive' or 'childish' (I have a hard time translating from my mother tongue here).
After that I dissociated. I told him about that. I managed to stay more or less present, or return to being present, and he noticed he'd said something that upset me, and began to relativize what he'd said, and said he thinks it's great if I try to get an education, and so on.

I went home feeling proud for not having completely broken down during the session and I felt all was okay. Until late at night, when I began to rethink what he'd said and that he'd laughed (about me? about what I said?).
And I had memories of how my father seemed to have to object to anything I was ever passionate about. How he nearly forbade me to chose the profession I really wanted when I was 19. How, because of this, I decided to change my plans and let go of what was a 'dream' to me then.

So that's more or less the background. Don't know if anyone can follow what I'm saying...

love, Freya

 

[TLight]

Freya;

Before I knew I had PTSD since a very young age, I gravitated toward people who conisidered themselves 'healers' of one form or another. These people, good intentions aside, I now realize were still very ill themselves and, in the end, ended up doing a lot of secondary damage to me, however unintentional.

That being said, I truly believe that seeking the assitance of a thoroughly trained and experienced trauma specialist is the only thing to do. We who are ill cannot truly see how others may have inappropriate boudaries,etc.

I can't tell from your explanation exactly what may or may not have happened, but if you are left with confusion and feel awkward or even untrusting of this person, perhaps seeking someone with this kind of experience that I mentioned may be a better option for you.

For instance, I know someone right now, a decent fellow with no bad intentions who I know for a fact has untreated combat PTSD who is training to be a 'life coach'............be wary of who you choose to let into your deepest areas of your life.

Best wishes,
Terri

 

[freya]

Thank you, Terri, for your thoughts. I'm taking what you said into consideration.
However as I said, the situation (in my country, also) is so that I have good reasons to have this coach and not someone else.
I have worked with this person for six years. I know that he means well and he's helped me a lot. So I tend to think the problem is in/ with me and not with him.

I'm mostly looking to work on myself and change (heal). Trying to get insight and/or grip on what happens when some 'innocent' event suddenly turns into something that causes me to be deeply upset for hours or days.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear freya, this is kind of a fast reply, but I have the same temptation to respond that way, in my life.

What has helped me, is to practise staying 'in the moment'. Just enjoy something good, not to 'question' it later, after the fact. To stop my own mind from 'taking the ball and running with it", or not allowing myself to enjoy it (Ie. to stop myself from being 'distracted' by negative thoughts/ worries).

From what you have said and described, after 6 years of a trusting relationship, your coach is treating you more "normally"- it sounds to me like he is expressing his own opinions of the system itself, -even the content of the (educational) program, but not as a vote of a lack of confidence in you or your abilities.

You have also said you know that he cares, -that's a milestone, to believe it, with ptsd. :occasion:

I know that for myself, it is very difficult/ ingrained to not eventually view everything as some 'deficiency' on my own part. Trust is very difficult.

However, if for nothing else than to give 'credit' to those who are trustworthy, when I start to second guess or overthink, I just think of the times/ ways they've showed me that they are trustworthy, have given me a vote of acceptance/ confidence. And that they are 'normal', too- they have their own things going on in their lives.

You will be able to work your way through it, I have full confidence. It might even help to say how you feel to your coach, and why. Your feelings are valid. Just because this coach is trustworthy/ cares about you, doesn't mean he will always "get it". In fact, he's very likely not to, especially if he doesn't have ptsd.

Hope it comes to a happy resolution/ and great things to learn. Even posting here shows you have a great deal of courage, to challenge your own thoughts, and to identify how you feel, feel it, and express it.

Meg XOX