Stubborn Inner Young Adult Self

[anonymous]

When I had issues like this I asked her what it would it would take to make her feel safe, by writing the questions with the right hand (dominant) and she replied with the left hand.

I used to have real issues with believing this stuff, but it got me eventually to a place where I stopped blaming myself for what happened to me as a child and not having constant suicidal thoughts anymore.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I began to be able to heal my young self once I began really making an effort to not shame, blame, judge, should, or hate on myself and any previous versions of myself.

The child inside of me wasn't stubborn, just scared and bewildered.

I wrote down all the labels that came to my head when I'd think of myself as that child, and then began looking at them to see if they were accurate. Most of them weren't, but I had never challenged them before, because that's what I was told.

Then, every time I'd catch myself labeling myself or others with those labels, I'd remind myself they didn't have to be judged that way. I'd find a cognitive challenge and say that in my head.

When my daughter's friend came over for a sleepover, she had a tendency to pick up the drinks/food which stain, then go sit on the few nice pieces of furniture we have. When I asked her to please take it to the kitchen, she accidently bumped the table and spilled it.

She reminds me of me. In the past, if that was me, I'd have hated myself for being clumsy, stupid, annoying, etc. I'd have thought of her in those terms. But instead, what came up to me in my head was "this gal is like I was. Not very aware of her body space, and not reading social cues very well. I can treat her kindly and gently ask her to be more careful, though it's ok that I feel some irritation about it."

 

[samson]

Honestly - hearing these stories makes me feel better. I contacted my T yesterday because I just couldn't focus at work. He suggested I tell her I have to work and could she please think about a pleasant memory, some trip she took or play a movie she enjoyed. None of that was working for me. I played volleyball in my young adult days and my T and I have talked about that before and he likes volleyball as well, so I asked her if she would go and play with him for a while. :) I told my T that I can't wait to hear how screwed up that was - but it worked. He responded that it was a good call and it worked.

I'm realizing how much I hate that part of myself. Yesterday on the way home from work I thought I wish she would just die. Then I realized that she is me and that was really scary. So much to discuss in session on Friday. So much emdr. Like many of you that have responded - I will have to reprogram myself to love that part of my and forgive and accept.

 

[maddog]

My therapist gently reminded me just yesterday that our ultimate goal in all of this is to get my adult self, instead of him, to be the one comforting and nurturing my child self. As I told him, just thinking about the concept sends chills up my spine, which actually frightens me a lot, because it's very deeply true.

Sampson, I feel positively ridiculous and mortified at some of the weird imagery I've found us engaging in, in relation to the things that he does to befriend and comfort my child self. It's easy to feel downright humiliated and foolish, and sometimes I still do. But it's getting better, thankfully, and his own relaxed willingness to not only participate but also to initiate such things when they seem necessary is very validating and reassuring to me. Sounds like your T is the same!

I always feel utterly turbulent with experiences and reactions and thoughts and feelings post imagery work, just as with post EMDR, so yes, it's a good thing sessions are pretty frequent right now.

Good luck for Friday!

Maddog

 

[samson]

Maddog, thanks so much for this. I know that I will have to parent this girl myself. That's why I figure we will talk about the challenge of sending her to "play" with my T. :)

Everyone - here's a question: My session is tomorrow. I have a double session booked tomorrow and next Friday and would really like to put myself in a place to work as hard as I can on getting some relief from this. I have taken both days off as vacation. Here's a question: I have some letters that I wrote to my old boyfriend (the sociopath that caused the trauma). I found them when I was moving last month. They are letters that I wrote and never sent. I quickly read them during the move but carefully placed them in a safe place. Do you think it would help me to read those before my session and try to better understand what was going on with my younger self at that time? Unfortunately, I burned all of the journals from that period a few years ago as an attempt at cleansing. I have wished several times during this process I still had those as reference points for the emotions I was feeling at that time.

Opinions welcome.

 

[Hashi]

First of all, I think your volleyball idea was great! I would feel positive about coming up with an image like that - you picked exactly the right thing and I think you should give yourself credit.

Regarding reading the unsent letters, this reminds me of a very recent experience of my own. I'd booked an extended trauma session a few weeks ago to talk about something and the weekend before I looked up a dream in my dream diary that related to it. I ended up reading quite a bit of my dream diary from around that time. I include a lot of journalling, and reading that was very, very rough. It was good preparation for the session though. I have no idea if it's a good idea for you to read your letters, all I can say is that I'm glad that I read my dream diaries/journalling before I saw my therapist but it affected me badly and I needed to take care of myself through that.

Sending you lots of good wishes for your session on Monday, whatever you decide to do or not do beforehand.

 

[samson]

Hashi - such good insight. Thank you for your opinion. And your encouragement.

 

[samson]

Update:

I had my session on Friday. I did read the letters to my x before I went and started crying immediately. Once I got in his office I started stalling. Just chatting about daily stuff. He is always quick to use an obvious shifting statement like "ok so anyway" to signal me that we need to get to work.

We started on my young adult imagery. It was really intense. I cried alot. Like sobbing crying, not just dribbling. I took a few breaks from the eye movements. It was quite overwhelming. I didn't want to help my younger self. The image I saw of her was disturbing. She looked dirty and disheveled with her long hair in her face. I wanted someone else to do it for me. I wanted to run from the room.

He told me to ask her why this was so hard for me to talk to her. She told me that I never let her talk about this. When she was going through this horrible relationship I wouldn't let her tell anyone we were in danger. Just like my mom. (That's a whole other story, but it connects to some childhood abuse.) I immediately felt so bad for her. I felt bad for leaving her in this bedroom with this big ugly secret. This is all so weird, but so real.

At the end of the session he told me she needs to rest now. That she's been through alot. He gave me several options of where she could be. She could stay there in the bedroom while I work this week and nap, or she could come to work with me, or home with me. But she needs to rest. I decided she would stay at the house, but she did come out of the bedroom and I left her out in the backyard enjoying the flowers and my dog. A dog is always a source of comfort for me even to this day.

Him saying she needed to rest was a stroke of genius for me. It's so comforting to just let her get rest. The session was really hard, but I feel like we made good progress. My T texted me later in the evening and told me I did really well - he said it was hard stuff - but important and I did really well.

Thank you all for your advice and input. I keep moving forward.

 

[maddog]

Oh yes you do, in really big and important ways. Thank you for recounting your session, it brought a flood of emotion to me that was very intense. I find it very validating to read of what you are working on and how it feels, because it is strikingly similar to what I'm working on at the moment too.

Much like the need to allow your young self to rest, we have been working on meeting the basic needs of my young self as well - the need for food, for clothing, for basic security, and for silent companionship of someone non-dangerous. Yes, it still feels weird, but overwhelmingly validating and important.

It makes me sob too though, it truly does. I actually just wrote last night in my post-therapy notes that I don't think I have cried so much or so continually in therapy, or anywhere, in my whole life, as I have since we've been doing this work. Even though it doesn't feel like it, I think somehow that must be a good thing.
Thanks again for sharing.

Maddog

 

[samson]

One more update to kind of "end" this part of the story. I had another session on Friday. It was really intense. My T had to work hard to ground me in the present. I just kept seeing me with my young adult self in the bedroom. It was like I was seeing the trauma through her eyes. Like she wanted me to know what she had been through. She didn't think I knew. My T reminded me that she was me and I was her. Finally I told him I didn't see her anymore. There was just my adult self there in the bedroom. He said this was good, but I was so tired and "out of it" I didn't really understand what happened. I texted him later to clarify and he said that I re-integrated that part of myself in that memory. I feel really good right now. I have a ton of questions. But for now I feel I've accomplished something important.

 

[BloomInWinter]

How wonderful, Samson! Great work!

 

[Hashi]

Reintegration is a huge step, you've definitely achieved something important. I can only imagine how intense this must have been, but it sounds like it has been very healing. You've done great to stay with it.