What Advice Would You Give To Your Young Adult Self?

[Eleanor]

If I could go back and tell myself something, and have myself believe it, it would be this: You are NOT FINE. (In my family we were always fine.) Even if other people who should care about you don't (or don't seem to) YOU can care about you. You are NOT an adult yet. The things that are a struggle for you are not a struggle for other people, and what that means is that you have something to learn and to learn to do. It is ok to feel negative feelings, they give you information that is IMPORTANT (and may need to be acted on) and you haven't been taught how to do that. You need help. Find a good person to help. If I could import resources; learn about emotional neglect. Pay attention to your difficulties with self-care. Pay attention to the places you struggle and others don't seem to. Learn about ADD. Practice new ways of thinking. Feel your feelings. Listen to what they have to tell you. Notice that your parents are limited in important ways. THAT is not you, that is THEM, and NO they are not "fine."

Then I would get myself to a good counsellor I connected with. In my case, it was all about emotional neglect, not trauma per se. I was surrounded by good people. I was in a situation with way more resources than most. But I thought I was "fine." No one worried about emotional or social development then. The fact that I dreaded going to school? Normal. The fact that I only ever had one or two friends? Normal. The fact that I vastly preferred living in books? That made me a "reader" and that was GOOD! The fact that I never complained? Again, that was good. The fact that I never asked for advice or help? I was "mature." The fact that I would get lost in math? Again, a super thing. The fact that I was kind of scatterbrained? I got A's so who cared? The fact that I couldn't (Could Not) keep my room clean or my stuff organized? Annoying, but normal.

 

[Bookoffee]

The first thing I would tell myself is that it is ok to be a lesbian and there are other people like me. There are many resources to help through coming out and dealing with the abuse of family denial.

 

[Ronin]

Yeah, I'd tell myself that about orientation too (along with 'aand wait for it, in two decades there's gonna be a pride! Even if you'll cheer them on from a distance.').

 

[Justmehere]

Dear 15 year old justmehere,

I hear you. I'm listening. Yes, your family is crazy and mean and awful. It is not your fault your father hits you. Stop listening to your aunt. She's not as wise or as powerful as she seems. Keep working hard in school and as soon as you can, get out of your family and do not come back. Ever. If you do, they will hurt you more and hate you more. You don't deserve that. There are good safe people in the world who will not hurt you like this. I know you are concerned about how much your mom cries and how checked out she is. I know. I see. I hear you. It's not your fault. If you leave as soon as you turn 18, and do your best in life and get your own counseling, that will be the best chance she will get help on her own.

It's not your fault. Don't listen to them tell you how awful you are: it's garbage. Absolute garbage.

I see you, I hear you, I know how bad it is. You do not deserve this. You are smart and kind and your life will get much better. Please keep hanging on through this awful time.

Sincerely,
The adult justmehere

 

[Kintsugi]

I would tell my fifteen-year-old self that it's going to be okay. I would tell her to be authentic, to look out for herself instead of worrying about her family or what people think of her decisions. I would tell her to relax more, to go out and have more fun. I would tell her that it's great how hard she works at school, and that it will pay off, but I would also add that she needs to work hard for the right reasons, for herself, not for others. I would tell her to try and love herself better. I would tell her to make sure she kisses her friend before going to college, because she won't get another chance, and he will save her life again and again. I would tell her to be better to her best friend. I would tell her not to burn so many bridges.

Above all, I would tell her I love her, and I blame her for nothing. I would tell her that we outgrow our hatred of all our former selves, that we become compassionate toward our past, and that my love for her is and always was supposed to be unconditional. She was a good kid, even though she didn't know it at the time. I see her now in a way she couldn't see herself.

 

[Mit]

Awesome thread.

You are loved, you don't have to be brave and it isn't your fault. And it's ok to tell somebody how you feel inside.

 

[City Slicker]

I would have told her it wasn't her fault, it wasn't her job to fix it, and I would have helped her to find solid options that would have worked for her.

I would have told her how incredibly brave she was and that her bravery would always be there when she needed it.

I would have told her that PTSD, which she might 'meet' later in life, would come with messages about her failure, her cowardice, and those messages would be lies - and to always remember these words.

 

[sun seeker]

The first thought that immediately springs to mind is "Yes! Actually deal with it!"

I agree with this. I've asked myself much the same question, though my focus has been on what, if anything, someone who cared could have done to help me at that age. It would have taken so much! Love, care, time, patience...

But yes, find a really good therapist and make it a priority to deal with it before you get into situations that compound it. It takes a long time to see the same patterns repeating before you realize they are your patterns. At least, it did for me. For many years after leaving home I would get into bad situations with people who would hurt me in some way, but I would imagine my distress was specific to the situation and that it would get better if the outside circumstances changed. Which would be true for a while, until the whole thing would repeat. What I didn't see was that it was because of my issues that I was getting into these situations in the first place, and that until I dealt with the issues, the situations would repeat.

So yes, get a good trauma therapist as soon as possible. Put off romantic relationships, if possible, until you get through a significant amount of therapy. Use resources like this forum for support.

On the other hand though, had I done this I wouldn't have gotten together with my daughter's father, and I wouldn't have her, or I'd have another child who wouldn't be her. So it's complicated.

 

[Eleanor]

Put off romantic relationships, if possible, until you get through a significant amount of therapy. Use resources like this forum for support.

Amen to this.

No good second guessing the past, but good advice for young people for their futures. The fact that some good came out of a foolish thing, doesn't make it wise for the future.

 

[scout86]

Amen to this.

But be open to the possibilities. (Just maybe think before you say "yes",)

 

[Cool Cat]

no doctors put my somatic responses together with the possibility that I had been traumatized.

Are somatic responses only a trauma thing? I always remember in my first therapy session how he remarked a lot about the somatic responses I was showing - even though I did not say anything about my trauma. (He did say 'you might be traumatised, but I don't know")

 

[Cool Cat]

Dear 15 yo coolcat:

Stop hanging out with the local kids! They are NOT your friends.


_______

Beside that, I cant actually think what I would say to my 15yo me, I could hardly move out! I could hardly shut myself in and avoid the local kids. I couldnt move school, even though I wanted to.

However, I will make the point that I got therapy as soon as I was legally able to get it without informing my parents (at 18)