Stubborn, Selfish Or Fear Of Change

[Bookoffee]

My wife is always telling me that I am stubborn and/or selfish, but I am thinking there may be an underlining fear of change and complete disconnect on changing.

I know the person she fell in love with. I want to be that person again but I am struggling to find her. I remember her and how I was alert, focused, goal driven and in control of my life.

I remember the moment all of it was ripped out under me. It was one statement from my mother. She wanted my wife and I to go to the beach with my abusive brother and I told her that I don't ever want to be invited to be with him. She screamed at me that at least he didn't rape me. I have not heard back from anyone on that side of the family since.

That happened a year and a half ago and I have not been able to rebuild myself up. I have turned inward and childlike. I still cannot go by my first instinct of how to handle different situations. When I start to do my first instinct, I freeze, hear my abusers voice and do the opposite.

I know what I need to do.

I can't stop the cycle.

I need to start the change now.

She feels alone in the world and that I have also left her. Her parents do not keep in touch with her and they know she is struggling in all areas. She feels as though she is not liked by her parents or me, her wife. She knows we love her but feels as though we don't like her.

I have noticed that I do have a lot resentment with her, no fault of her own. We make plans and talk about different ways of changing our lives but there is never any follow through. I know I am just as responsible as her but I blame her for the follow through of not happening.

I become angry when something is not done around the house and I will internally blame her for not doing it, when it can easily be done by me. Then I start to self-loath.

I want to move pass the hatefulness and enter into the life that is full of love and excitement.

 

[Friday]

One thing that can help break that cycle? Each and every time you find yourself in it? Own it. Out loud. And fix it.

I'm sorry. That's unfair. I can do ______.

The way I send myself on timeout... That's the last step. "Put it right." When I'm doing moderately well, I don't actually have to send my happy ass outside to go cool off, but can actually catch myself on the fly. Realize I'm being a dick, stop, apologize, and put it right without having to go de-escalate first. Just yanks the wind out of my sails. Oh. Crap. I'm doing the me-thing. Well, let's stop that one right now.

Timeout Compendium ;)
1. what happened (no emotion allowed, aka just straight what happened)
2. why it happened (again, while the reason is usually an emotion -I was angry, etc- the distance to ID the emotion without getting eaten by it)
3. at least 2 things to do differently next time, cause there will always be a next time (maybe not the exact scenario, but the emotion that led to the scenario. 2+ options nips resentment in the bud. For real, at least 2 different courses of action. So you have choices.)
4. put it right. (Apologize, clean up the mess, start over, whatever).

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I still get the feeling that you're taking all the blame for this stuff.

So now you're selfish? Did she let go of her want of a $30 box of tea even though you're scrimping pennies? Just wondering.

 

[Bookoffee]

I still get the feeling that you're taking all the blame for this stuff.

So now you're selfish? Did she let go of her want of a $30 box of tea even though you're scrimping pennies? Just wondering.

Yes I do blame myself. My mind is always playing tricks on me. It is so hard to stay in the moment, not fidget with worry and be able to express myself.

Yes, she does feel foolish about getting upset over the tea.

 

[Bookoffee]

I am not sure how much more I can take.

Say it this way....Do it this way...Don't be a child....toughen up....

No matter what I do, I feel it is wrong.

SAY SOMETHING! Umm...aww...I don't know... YOU HAVE TO FEEL SOEMTHING....I don't know...

I wish my mother aborted me.