Stuck And I'm Only To Blame

[Audreeeey]

I have reached a maximum distress level tonight and I feel, no, I KNOW it is all my fault.

First off, I am mortified to admit this, especially due to the fact that I have PTSD, but I am into BDSM relationships. There is something about them that has always excited me even before my trauma(s) happened to me.

My fiance and I are in a pretty hardcore BDSM relationship. I am his "slave" and he is my "master." This is all fine and dandy in the bedroom, but lately he has turned up the sadism level to an uncomfortable high, and I am completely stuck within it.

The other night he demanded that I do something sexually (will not go into details, but it is illegal, immoral, and disgusting) that is pretty much identical to one of my traumatic experiences. The thought of it sent me into such a bad panic attack that I physically got ill. At first I agreed- as we have agreed that he makes the rules in the relationship (this is consensual) and as I thought about it- I begged him to spare me this one time and not to force me to do it.

Here is the crazy part- he has been the #1 person who has helped healed me from my other traumas, yet he refused to back down on this request. We got in such a heated fight that he threatened to do all I am afraid of: break off our engagement, cheat on me, go back to his ex-wife, and never speak to me. All because I refused to do this sexual act for him. I NEVER thought he would do this and I'm so confused and devastated by this. I am so confused and torn apart that I cannot tell whether or not he is being serious, or all of this is just some sick sexual side pleasure for him as well. Tonight he made my fears come true by telling me that he found some random girl on the internet to do what he wanted me to do, and he enjoyed it.

This all makes me sound like the biggest idiot alive and a hypocrite, a loser, and most of all a person who got exactly what I asked for. The only thing that is resounding in my head are my insides screaming "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT" and "YOU WILL LOSE HIM" and "WHAT KIND OF PERSON ASKS FOR THIS?"

I also have been reliving my trauma for the past 48 hours, so much so that I can remember how all of my senses reacted to the event. I am completely stuck and painted into a corner from which I can't escape.

 

[sea]

Your relationship is not healthy or appropriate in the slightest if he is guilt tripping you for not consenting to something you consider immoral. No offense but he sounds like he is using the guise of "BDSM" in order to guilt you into doing things you don't want to do. If his level of sadism is at an "uncomfortable high" and he refuses to listen to you regarding it, he's being abusive. End of discussion.

Whether or not you consented to him making the rules or not. Consent isn't a big la-de-da affair. If you give consent you have the right to withdraw it. If you give consent for one thing, you have the right to not consent to something else. BDSM at its core IS /YOU consenting/ to that behavior. And if you DON'T consent, then it's just an abusive relationship.

You aren't "only" to blame. He is blaming you and you are accepting the blame because of your misguided belief that in order to follow his rules, you have to do everything he ever tells you all the time, and that this is what a BDSM relationship is meant to be. (It's not, FYI. It's meant to be a negotiation at its core.)

You are not completely stuck in anything. You don't "have" to sacrifice your mental and physical wellbeing because you believe that if you consent to one thing, you have to consent to it all. This is not your fault, but I think what you have done is convince yourself that you are in a proper D/s relationship because he makes "the rules" and you "consent" to it. Even though....he's doing things that are illegal and immoral, guilting you, threatening you, manipulating you, and being "uncomfortably" sadistic.

No offense, but considering the level of guilt he has turned on over this one incident, not letting you refuse, you are afraid he is going to "force you to do it anyway", he is not concerned with listening to your genuine mental anguish regarding all of this - sorry but I don't buy that he is this awesome super fantastic guy and this is the "only" time he has ever been a complete f*cking dick. If he is unconcerned with how his rules affect you, he is a shitty, abusive dominant.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I know it can feel like the world is spinning and nmothing may make sense for a while. And I can only make a suggestion, but right now it might be best to keep it simple. You can go into how and why another day. But right now, he is doing something to you, that you don't want him to do. You can say the words in your head "I do not want this, I will not allow this to happen" and hopefully repeat them to yourself as you walk out the door and take yourself to a friend, a doctor, a shelter where you have the space and calm to work it out.

Whatever your sexual desires, you have not consented to this.

You have support here.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Stop me if I'm wrong here... But I was always under the assumption that in these sorts of situations you had a "safe" word that you could pull out when NO really does mean NO... Not blaming you AT ALL, but just curious if you set up initial ground rules? (Again, NOT blaming you, rather just curious, that's all)

Please do NOT blame yourself for any of this. You deserve SOOOOO much better! This guy has BOUNDARY issues, as even in such situations, there are limits! Kick him to the curb ASAP. Anyone who has no hesitation about re-traumatizing you is TOXIC, plain and simple.

 

[Audreeeey]

I wish so badly I could walk away but I CAN'T. At least not right now.

To him, there is no safe word. Whatever he says, goes. This worked for me for awhile until he started to do this. All day today he has been telling me about a girl named Courtney who fulfilled his sexual pleasures. He told me she has big breasts (he knows I have little ones) she has long legs (I have short ones) and blonde hair (I have brown hair.) He emailed me a picture of her but I deleted it immediately. I even told him I would do this sexual thing for him though I "made the mistake" of telling him how it will traumatize me but I would do it because I loved him.

He told me to f*ck off and forget it and that maybe this Courtney girl will win him over.

I hate him so much, I HATE HIM but I cannot walk away right now. I am afraid of being hurt more.

Basically the only comfort I can get now is other people telling me I am RIGHT and he is WRONG. I don't know why but after all day of hearing this illogical craziness it feels good to hear.

 

[scaldedsheep]

I'd shoot that motherf*cker right between the eyes. Get away from him as fast as you possibly can. Nothing good can come from a person like...none at all.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Audreey, if you google california domestic violence shelters, there is a long list of phone numbers of shelters and helplines in your area.

Those places will keep you safe from him. And they will help you with anything you need to get you out of that situation.

You are RIGHT and you are in control of getting out of that situation. He's not going to give up his control because he suddenly becomes the caring man you want him to be. So you've got to care for yourself.

Its easier once youve done it.

 

[Audreeeey]

Meadowsweet, is there a phone service I could use to just talk to someone at that shelter? I for now live in California he lives in North Carolina.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I'm not sure what allowed to be posted on the site (sorry admin if this isnt allowed)

the number for 'california coalition fot battered women' is 1-888-SCCBW-52

 

[Sterre]

To him, there is no safe word. Whatever he says, goes. This worked for me for awhile until he started to do this.

To him there is no safe word, but to you there obviously is! If you feel uncomfortable with his demands you can call it quits.

BDSM is not about pushing you over boundaries that are unhealthy for you, or that will harm you. It is as simple as that.

Once you give consent to the fact that someone decides the rules and playground for you, it doesn't mean in any way that your consent can't be withdrawn at any given time.
If you are not okay with what he's asking of you now, you don't have to go along with it.
He is manipulating you to go beyond what is healthy for you, no one has the right to do that or to demand that of you, really NO ONE!

If he wants to leave you and mess around with that other girl because you want give in to his demands, then let him go. You will do yourself a big favour in the long run.

BDSM is not about unhealthy behaviors, it is basically about love and intimacy, not about messing with your head in a way that will harm you.

 

[Audreeeey]

I did something that made me feel better, whether it's right or wrong I'm not sure and honestly I'm not sure if I care, since it felt right to me. I felt justified.

I cheated on him this weekend with a man who REALLY knows how to do BDSM. He fulfilled my needs and was caring, even though it was obvious of what I was doing. I feel a little guilty but at the same time I feel very fulfilled... I feel like I got even which is what I have not been able to do to any of the people who put me in any of my traumas in the first place.

 

[Sterre]

Altough I understand your motives to "cheat" on your "lover/dominant", I can thelp but wonder if this will bring you any good Audrey.

For now you will feel better and in control, but what if a thing like this happens again, what will your next copingmechanism be then? Will you dive into something that might possibly be dangerous for you? Maybe you will engage with someone, out of despair, that will harm you. Maybe you will run into a predator of some kind. Be carefull.

It sounds so useless, because you didnt deal with the real issue that's been layed out before you. You just found a way to feel better in the short term, without dealing with the issue that arose between you and your lover.

Good luck on your journey.

..... a man who REALLY knows how to do BDSM.

I am sorry for this lame sarcasm, but did he have a degree or something? ;)

Did he went to that mideval dungeon where all the "twue masters" get there education?