Stuck - Need Wisdom - Please

[NoOne]

I don't know if this will hit any triggers for anyone, just keep that in mind...kinda long and not very cheery today, sorry.

So here it is, another Saturday night, all messed up and nowhere to go.

I was a lot better for a while, did it on my own, in spite of really failed therapy, some of which even did more harm than good. Most, including doctors wouldn't even believe, or they just discounted because hey, if no one died or you didn't get busted to near death, then you weren't harmed, right? Know those old jokes where someone calls a "hotline" and gets put on hold? No joke, I once called one of those "hotlines" and they literally said "we can give you a number to get help for the abuse you think you suffered." I read some of the posts on here, broken relationships, families of your own in turmoil, and really I'm jealous you've had relationships at all, please take this a good way. Before, I had learned to survive in spite of the flashbacks, the anxieties and panics, the virtually complete lack of socialization, being alone, other interruptions, etc. I knew my flaws, most of them...wasn't great, but it was livable.

Things are really bad again. Few years ago, got injury. Docs kept saying rest, rest, they never really treated...too much rest really makes things worse. Symptoms started getting a little worse...couldn't work...lost last few so-called friends...finally got some benefits but you can't live on them alone...and lost my cat too. She was my companion, kept me together, forgave me my flaws, helped me through mine. I wish I could've done more for her, only truly unconditional affection I ever knew was my pet/companion. Will be beating myself a long time for this last one, I should have done more...but there's nothing left now. No support, especially the internal kind. No sense of accomplishment...feel total failure...useless. I know I need help, now...a lot...and don't want a lot of drugs...some make things worse. But when I tried therapy, they are always writing and I don't want details documented, even though there is supposed to be patient confidentiality, it doesn't always work that way.

It used to be better. I used to be stronger, but the finances have gotten so bad since the injury. The economy is so bad, I can't find any additional source of income. I've had no choice but to contact the bad relatives to try and get financial help because I can't even afford rent anymore and physical situation really limits possibilities, especially now, and it's making the symptoms really soar - bad. For the first time I am actually thinking hospital should be option, or find a way to get jailed even though I don't want to do that...even gas to get to therapy if I found one would be a problemm. I really don't know what to do. Definately clogged in the thinking and can't find solutions. Can't stay focused well...alone...symptoms are definately getting bad again. The uselessness, I can hear those old horrible voices so loudly now, the memories just as bad as today. Crying every day for weeks...the lonliness getting to me bad too, almost completely isolated...just got a minor operation/procedure too and don't think it's healing right, but the pain meds are helping to calm so not too bad a thing I guess .

Good suggestions would be welcome...I'm completely out. Sorry it went on, wrote it shorthand-like to keep it shorter, but definitely need suggestions. Lost now more than ever...my head is getting stuck in the bad places anymore.

Not good with talking about me, so todays pic: :stupid:

Thanks.

 

[clare]

Dear NoOne,

My kids are haunting me like mad right now, so I can't respond in depth-but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. The hopelessness you seem to be feeling is touching and people here honestly care. Alot of what you're saying reminds me of how I felt last year. I'm still in the midst of a financial, legal and medical crisis, but every other day (or sometimes many times a day) I sign on here. This site can help you. I'll post more when I can, but for now please know that I understand your pain-you are not alone.

clare

 

[NoOne]

Thanks, clare...you sound sincere. Almost of the times I usually hear all those things in "what not to say", even from past dr's. I know the rest of the people mean well, those not being critical, but always sounds so patronizing and that makes things worse too. What makes all of it so out of control worse is having to contact those who started this pain at all, and beyond worse is having to ask them for anything at all. I was free. I broke contact and didn't plan on looking back...and now, even getting up for something, its bad enough I'll just stop halfway across the room, realize the physical pain and not having anyone here, all the things I've done wrong that I let it get this bad, thinking I might not walk right again, might not do the stuff I used to, then all the old stuff hits hard and I just stand there crying, almost blank, can't even move. Just wish it was over again, had my life back, but seems so stinking hopeless anymore, things are just so far gone.

Still here: :stupid:

 

[stacey.lane]

Hey noone, I spoke to you in the chat room earlier, and it is 4am here, so my head is a mess, but I just want to say it was nice to meet you. I hope things get better for you soon, I will write more when I have slept, but just wanted to send you my best wishes.
By the way I am kula91 on there. Take care.

 

[Manic11]

NoOne,

I agree with Clare. This site can help a lot so don't give up on us! I am trying to think of suggestions. I have a good friend of mine who is going through a very similar situation as you are. I'm trying to think of what she is doing to cope but I am struggling....

I'm going out to see her in the morning so I will talk to her about this and see if she suggests anything. But in the meantime, know that we are here for you and you can get through this. Just hang in there and I will reply again with any suggestions my friend may have.

Take care of yourself,
Manic

 

[liv now]

Hi. :hello: I am new to this forum too and have found it immensely helpful. I really feel for you. I just came out of a phase of deep isolation. I had an injury and my work place refused to let me come back til I was 100%. and that was a long way into the future. my benefits started to lessen the longer I was on them and I was struggling to pay for basic needs. My therapist was away but I would not have been able to afford her anyway. I am not sure really what got me through this. I just kept getting up everyday and taking things one step at a time. I set myself one small goal everyday. i made it so small that I knew I could achieve it. and if i didn't there was always tomorrow. I really needed to soothe myself and feel warm and alive. I had lots of hot baths and took a hot drink to my local park and just sat there taking in nature. I started talking to local shop keepers just to connect with others and I found this forum. I shopped around for good free therapists til I found one I felt safe with. I don't know if this is any help but these are just some of the things I did. Will have a think about other suggestions and let you know as I think of them. Please don't give up and keep posting. Take Care.

 

[clare]

Hi,

What liv said, maybe set some small goals everyday. Explore the network of community services, group therapy (free meetings), disability/state or fed. services. Maybe you could get an advocate? Maybe a new pet? If your not ready to commit to it, maybe foster pet, pet sit or volunteer at an animal shelter. Stick with things you know are comforting, if that doesn't help you may need to seek help for depression. Remember, the meds don't have to be forever-maybe just to help you get back on track.

Keep posting and let us know how your doing,

clare

 

[TLight]

I too have been where you are at NoOne. I can completely understand the turmoil and hopelessness you are experiencing right now.

It is tough to hang on and 'keep on keeping on." I think the advice of just putting one foot in front of the other right now is pretty much what I did at the time, and it went on for years.

Please stick around here. We can offer a lot of support and understanding. Nuturing goes a long way and the people here can give you a lot of that.

Just to let you know.........I never stopped believing in goodness, even though I came extremely close a lot of times. Things will gradually improve because you are loved........I know it doesn't seem that way now..........but please don't give up, be kind to yourself, get your rest and we will be here when you need us.

Bless you........Terri

 

[NoOne]

Thanks for writing...have tried some of those. A single person living alone cannot survive on any benefits entitled. Would love to get another pet but wouldn't be fair to the animal right now, can't even care for myself at the moment. Would have issues with group T...don't know how to find free 1-on-1 and would be concerned because of bad past experiences when I've tried that with paid t's. Med coverage sux big time. All the dr's just want to mask symptoms, not heal. Thats biggest problem, because if they heal, they lose their clients and dont make so much money. One even told me straight out, "I'll renew your meds but you have to come more often for follow ups cause I have to make my money too." Too? What the hell, do they think I like this, or that I sell the crap? Another neurologist I went to for chronic headaches, asked about fam history, told him don't really know very well, that's all I said, so from that he says "maybe you should go and make amends with your family, that will cure your headaches." He's got no idea if they were abusers, murders, dead, I'm adopted, or anything and that's this doctor advises? What's wrong with them? THEY need therapy. They're supposed to be healers, no dammit. What part of "healing" don't doctors understand anymore. They're so freakin desperate to make money they'll gladly keep hurting people, or letting people get hurt? No wonder my body or mind can't heal, no one would help me. Now I gotta go back to the freakin people who started this mess, asking for help cause I'll be without home in a couple of weeks, making myself even worse because so-called friends, doctors, govt, etc never cared enough to help when I needed it most, my tummy always in big knots, hands clenched from the minute I wake from stress and fear only noticed cause it ached a few times so tight... That "helpline" I called that one time and told me to call someone else for help for the abuse I "think I suffered"? it was a local hosp, govt funded helpline. Though I see a few good individuals here and there, especially here in the forum, but overall this is truly an evil freakin world...thank you stupid messed up greedy freakin politicians.

Sorry for the rant... but :wall: :wall: :wall: :wall:
:stupid:

 

[NoOne]

:(

Sorry for the rant yesterday...like I said, not doing good and seems like everything's a trigger anymore. Was venting to, not at, hope you realize. Just has flashbacks of so many times asking for help and getting kicked instead, or people using their knowledge that I needed help against me. You know I called p.d. long time ago, teenage years, thought a prowler was in the house and the cop berated me big time cause the dog we had, locked in a cage, in a room, way other side of the house, different floor, I should have heard this normally quiet dog barking anyway. So I'm an idiot and again not allowed to ask for help. Never been allowed to ask for help. Never been good enough...now...two weeks after surgery, not even close to walking right again. Doesn't feel like ever will. Tick tock time's running fast before I run out of funds move into that piece of junk car barely works. Still have no solutions. Completely worthless except for pissing others off or chasing them away. Maybe there arent any solutions.

Still here :wall::wall::wall::wall: and :stupid:

PS note, it's been done so many times, that stick pic is just memories doin it to myself anymore if you hadnt figured by now.

Anyone know any good free online t's experienced and specialized in ptsd, don't need another doc or anyone saying your just too sensitive get over it etc, work by chat or email? Other suggestions still greatly greatly greatly greatly greatly appreciated too.

 

[TLight]

NoOne;
Don't give up. YOu will find the right professional who can help you if you don't give up hope. There are people out there who care about what they do and care about you. I know it doesn't feel that way right now...........but please, don't give in to the negativity because it tends to snowball.

I"ve been where you are at with the system. It is terrifying and retraumatizing........

Please, I finally found someone who could help me and I've been working with them for 4 years now and I"ve made progress and gotten better.

Meds can help......they are definately helping me.

Please, feel free to vent here and tell us what is happening..........I don't have any suggestions about on line docs......but please don't give up. You ARE worth it.....

 

[Noone.]

NoOne.

You are someone.
Sometimes when your at your lowest it's hard to see what's right in front of
you.
You are surrounded by people that care you just have to open your heart
to see.
Keep writing friends are listening.

Take care.

FIRE.