I am going to address each of these statements or questions directly as I think they are very important. Thanks for asking.
Are you sure it was pure MDMA?
Yes. I used the other form once by accident. I knew the difference immediately.
Were the things you "saw" accurate memories or dramatic recreations and visions?
Really good question. They were cognitive, reactive, sensory, somatic and sometimes dramatic re-creations. They were scarily accurate (as I found out two years later when I finally went for Children's Aid disclosure). Somehow, however, I already knew that the information garnered during the sessions were true. The disclosure just sealed the deal and for those who doubted that I wasn't just tripping out during my sessions - those who had been a part of them - well they just looked at me in awe. We were all changed by this experience dramatically, learning that the truth lies within and that our children remember every single thing that affects them. Everything.
Keep in mind that when sessioning, the mdma removes the user from the experience. There is no fear, the mdma regulates the memory so one is not overwhelmed in the moment. So for instance, with the pillow issue, I saw what happened (as if watching from above), I felt what happened, and of particular interest I saw my birth mother's eyes which wanted me dead. This would take on particular significance during a different session and drove an incredible need for me to see people's eyes as 'kind'. This opened up how I actually attract predators. This came to me over approximately 2 months after the session.
At the same time during this session, I wanted to deny the truth of it all. I kept seeing a pillow come down on me and my birth mother's face and said out loud over and over again 'NO!' It wasn't until I accepted the truth and resigned myself to a 'Yes' that the next thing hit me. Onwards..... Then it stopped and I processed what I had learned.
Were you full on hallucinating?
'Hallucination - experience a seemingly real perception of something not actually present'
as opposed to
'Delusional - a correctly sensed and interpreted stimulus (i.e., a real perception) is given some additional (and typically bizarre) significance'
So yes, given these definitions, what I experienced was definitely not delusional. It was a hallucination. However, I need to qualify that. These experiences were not based on something that was not actually present. You see, while I was sessioning I would get 'triggered'. For instance the pillow session was triggered by the pillow I was lying on during the session. The pillow was there. The perception of that pillow took on a new meaning which was inappropriate to the time I was resting on it - however, what I found to be fascinating was that I was triggering up all day every day to things that I didn't realize were triggering me because my memories of them were not conscious. As a result, after that session, I learned that pillows needed to be put away at all times - and the reason why they needed to be put away, whereas prior to the session I had no idea as to the significance of pillows in my trauma-esq behaviours and reactions and would walk into a room with pillows and react but have no idea what I was reacting to.
Wow, I'm surprised. I've heard other sufferers say they really enjoyed it.
I think many people who use Ecstasy (mixed mdma with other substances or sometimes no mdma at all!) can attest to having a bang up time. Pure mdma is something else altogether. I had an online friend who followed in my mdma footsteps. During one of her sessions (we did this via skype as she had nobody to be with her), I knew she was not using pure mdma immediately. She was having too much fun and not getting to issues. She switched her source and found true pure grade. I always knew if she was 'high' or truly sessioning. I refused to work with her if she was high. There one tends to fall into delusions rather than reality based sessioning. This can do severe damage as it will, in fact, implant false memories and thus a very real danger of making PTSD go from bad to horrendous.
Isn't it supposed to help you open your heart, feel empathy, and love for others?
Yes, it is meant to do that but again I warn that there is a difference between mdma and Ecstasy. Ecstasy is more the 'feel good' substance while mdma is more a 'see yourself and what constructs you have built and why' kind of substance. For me mdma was about 're-living the dream' but re-living it in such a way that I had a full-on, adult, executive functioning brain with which to process this information as opposed to a 13 month old brain. It was like a merging of the child and adult self that allowed for proper perspective. A once removed perspective. For instance, I had one session where I realized why I all of the sudden had a huge attachment to teddy bears. I couldn't protect myself, therefore I protected my teddy. That lead me to understand why I had always protected others fiercely when I could NOT protect myself. Eureka! I got it! When I came to this site I again fell into the 'protect other members' behaviour (which didn't go over too well :)) but recognized what I was doing and why.
Yes, the memories were real. There was no hallucinating - as I would call it something different. I felt like I was in a part of my brain that I had no business being in. It was, however, very real in the moment as I had been triggered and reacting to it in the moment. I saw the expressions,I saw and felt the intention of others, I saw and relived my reactions to what was done to me. It was quite a ride.
Love and Light
Shimmerz
