Relationship Success stories please!!

[Respectfully1979]

Be really good to hear any success stories when it comes supporters working with their sufferers together and holding down a positive working relationship. Any top tips or advice for a supporter who's starting out on the journey? Sufferer is prone to isolation and emotional numbness. Thx

 

[Sweetpea76]

Patience. Patience. Patience.... then more patience.

Learn to let the small stuff go, and how to hold your ground when it’s important.

Self Care, boundaries, and communication.

No problem, eh? It’s definitely easier said than done. I’ve been with my sufferer for more than 7 years, and he still throws me for a loop sometimes. It is possible to have a healthy and happy relationship though. ?

 

[Respectfully1979]

Patience. Patience. Patience.... then more patience.

Learn to let the small stuff go, and how to hold your ground when it’s important.

Self Care, boundaries, and communication.

No problem, eh? It’s definitely easier said than done. I’ve been with my sufferer for more than 7 years, and he still throws me for a loop sometimes. It is possible to have a healthy and happy relationship though. ?

??

 

[sunisstillshining]

My husband is great supporter. He has encouraged me to seek help at times. He has also been patient with me when I have had flash backs and asked how to help outside of those times.
Is your sufferer receiving counseling? If so, would it be possible for you to join in sessions? If not, have you considered receiving counseling yourself? This is quite a journey but it is possible to suceed. Make sure that both you and your sufferer have a good support system and do the best you can to take care of yourself too.
Hope that helps!

 

[LuckiLee]

Top tips? Ha! Depends what day it is. ?

*Communication.
*Educate yourself on the disorder.
*Boundaries.
*Share the same goals.
*Don't take everything personally (easier said than done).
*Boundaries.
*Give space when needed (it's a loving act ? @Sweetpea76)
*Keep big topic conversations for "good" days.
*Remember relationships are stressful (×1000 for a sufferer).
*Boundaries.
*If the bad EVER outweighs the good it's time to reevaluate things.
*PTSD is cyclical!!!!!
*Boundaries.
*Therapy for the sufferer. (In my experience untreated ptsd is uuugly).
*Therapy/support for the supporter as well.
*Don't blame everything on ptsd. (Sometimes people are just being a**holes.)
*Don't put in more energy into their recovery/healing than they do!
*Are your needs being met??
*Expect last minute cancellations.
*Boundaries.

That should keep you busy for a while. LMAO!!

As for the isolation AND emotional numbing are you sure you're up for that? Indefinitely? Those are pretty drastic coping mechanisms and important aspects to any relationship. (just some food for thought as if you don't have enough to think about. ?)

Is your guy in therapy?

Good luck!

Oh yeah. Happy and healthy PTSD relationships are possible. XO

 

[Freida]

Hubby and I are on year 24 -- I have no idea how that happened. :laugh:

Speaking for him as my supporter? Patience and boundaries. He's really laid back so he doesn't get wound up about the day to day ptsd stuff. We did have to have some (ok, multiple) conversations about me taking off and set rules for that in the early days. He's really good about leaving me alone when I'm in a bad place. In fact he usually sees it coming before I do. I guess I have tells - who knew?

I didn't get diagnosed until about 5 years ago and when things went to hell for me and I finally got into therapy and got an actual name for what was happening things got really, really bad. It was tough on him because he was really worried about me but had to not show it because I couldn't take the pressure of feeling guilty because he was upset. If that makes sense?

so ya. patience, boundaries, lots of love and a willingness to leave me be even when he thinks that's the last thing I need.

 

[Respectfully1979]

My husband is great supporter. He has encouraged me to seek help at times. He has also been patient with me when I have had flash backs and asked how to help outside of those times.
Is your sufferer receiving counseling? If so, would it be possible for you to join in sessions? If not, have you considered receiving counseling yourself? This is quite a journey but it is possible to suceed. Make sure that both you and your sufferer have a good support system and do the best you can to take care of yourself too.
Hope that helps!

Thank you!! And it all helps!! I don’t know if he’s getting treatment at the moment as we’ve not spoken. I am thinking that counselling might be a good idea for me. Going to look into this! X

Top tips? Ha! Depends what day it is. ?

*Communication.
*Educate yourself on the disorder.
*Boundaries.
*Share the same goals.
*Don't take everything personally (easier said than done).
*Boundaries.
*Give space when needed (it's a loving act ? @Sweetpea76)
*Keep big topic conversations for "good" days.
*Remember relationships are stressful (×1000 for a sufferer).
*Boundaries.
*If the bad EVER outweighs the good it's time to reevaluate things.
*PTSD is cyclical!!!!!
*Boundaries.
*Therapy for the sufferer. (In my experience untreated ptsd is uuugly).
*Therapy/support for the supporter as well.
*Don't blame everything on ptsd. (Sometimes people are just being a**holes.)
*Don't put in more energy into their recovery/healing than they do!
*Are your needs being met??
*Expect last minute cancellations.
*Boundaries.

That should keep you busy for a while. LMAO!!

As for the isolation AND emotional numbing are you sure you're up for that? Indefinitely? Those are pretty drastic coping mechanisms and important aspects to any relationship. (just some food for thought as if you don't have enough to think about. ?)

Is your guy in therapy?

Good luck!

Oh yeah. Happy and healthy PTSD relationships are possible. XO

Thanks so much @LuckiLee
Our relationship currently is pretty non-existent. He’s got a few bits to sort out, moving house, etc, so I’m relaxed (ish!) about giving him space whilst he sorts this stuff out. Hopefully we’ll get a chance to reconnect when he’s feeling up to it and we can see what’s what. At the moment, so much has been left open for interpretation. I believe that he wants me in his life, but I’m getting to a point where I really need to hear it in person. Ultimately, I feel like I will have to put ‘my needs’ first if I continue to get nothing from him... Time will tell! X

Hubby and I are on year 24 -- I have no idea how that happened. :laugh:

Speaking for him as my supporter? Patience and boundaries. He's really laid back so he doesn't get wound up about the day to day ptsd stuff. We did have to have some (ok, multiple) conversations about me taking off and set rules for that in the early days. He's really good about leaving me alone when I'm in a bad place. In fact he usually sees it coming before I do. I guess I have tells - who knew?

I didn't get diagnosed until about 5 years ago and when things went to hell for me and I finally got into therapy and got an actual name for what was happening things got really, really bad. It was tough on him because he was really worried about me but had to not show it because I couldn't take the pressure of feeling guilty because he was upset. If that makes sense?

so ya. patience, boundaries, lots of love and a willingness to leave me be even when he thinks that's the last thing I need.

Thanks @Freida
Quick question - bearing in mind that I’ve not actually spoken to my partner for over 6 weeks now (messages only), assuming that we do get to reconnect in the near future, what would you suggest for tackling the big deal conversations? He’s isolated for 6 weeks now and left me feeling 99% in the dark as to how he feels about me and the future. I really need to know this in order for me to decide what I do for my own life. I’m not even sure how symptomatic he is at the moment, or maybe simply just avoiding me cos it’s easier all round. I know it’s all relative to us as individuals, but any advice on this side of things? For me, I’m desperate to talk about the serious stuff, but I’m still open to being sensitive to avoid a case of him running for the hills!!

 

[Freida]

what would you suggest for tackling the big deal conversations?

That's a tough question. It really depends on if he wants to be a part of it in the first place. So I guess that would be the first conversation -- do you want to talk about our relationship?

The isolation thought process is kind of why I started the What Are They Thinking thread - so sufferers could weigh in on why we isolate. The answers were endless and surprisingly
different. So there is no easy answer.

I really need to know this in order for me to decide what I do for my own life.

I think you have this backwards. You need to decide what you want out of your own life first. Then you can decide if you want him and his issues to be part of that bigger picture. Because like the other supporters have said - it doesn't go away. Think of it like the ocean. Some days it's calm and some days it's choppy and some days it's a tidal wave on top --- but the ptsd is always underneath. So you need to be in a solid place for yourself so you don't drown in it.

 

[Respectfully1979]

The best advice as always!! I’m going to muddle on and see how it goes. Much appreciated! ??

 

[OrangeJulius]

The best advice as always!! I’m going to muddle on and see how it goes. Much appreciated! ??

Something to consider during your muddling. Your sufferer may not be able to answer your questions or may confuse you with seemingly contradictory answers.

Things change constantly and so they could give you 2 different answers to the same question....and both are the truth in the time and space the words were spoken.

For example, once after a particularly bad holiday isolation my boyfriend told me he's always cared deeply for me but wasn't sure if he's capable of loving. In a different conversation during a good time he seemed offended at my reference to what he told me. (And it wasn't in a bad way, I was expressing gratitude for him and said something about for not being sure if you know how to love you sure know how to make a girl feel loved.)

In any case, just something to consider as it can be hard to navigate sometimes.

 

[Respectfully1979]

Something to consider during your muddling. Your sufferer may not be able to answer your questions or may confuse you with seemingly contradictory answers.

Things change constantly and so they could give you 2 different answers to the same question....and both are the truth in the time and space the words were spoken.

For example, once after a particularly bad holiday isolation my boyfriend told me he's always cared deeply for me but wasn't sure if he's capable of loving. In a different conversation during a good time he seemed offended at my reference to what he told me. (And it wasn't in a bad way, I was expressing gratitude for him and said something about for not being sure if you know how to love you sure know how to make a girl feel loved.)

In any case, just something to consider as it can be hard to navigate sometimes.

Thanks. This helps ?

 

[DDB]

This sounds similar to my situation. I would be interested to see how yours works out and let u know mine too. I still want it to work as I fell for the wonderful guy he is in person, but at in therapy for my depression over him isolating (7 weeks no contact without warning ?) and haven’t tackled discussing it with him yet or whether he ever will with me.