General Sufferer Has A Question Only Supporters Can Answer

[Sing2me]

As my titled stated I am a sufferer but have a question that takes the supporters view to answer.

Both me and my dad suffer from PTSD. We are a lot a like in our interests and in the way we allow outside stimula to affect us (I.e. not caring about others approval, easy going, ect..). We can spend hours discussing music, books, history, without a shread of insignificant gossip entering our conversation. My mom is different. She is polar opposite to us, really. I've known for awhile that she feels left out, gets jealous, and has even told me before that "you and your dad live in another world".

I do what I can to involve her. Call her everyday and so on. But it breaks my heart that she feels this way. So please advise me to what I can do to close that barrier. I do not want her to feel alone.

 

[Toria]

Hi Cherokee - I'm going to start by stating the obvious and hope you don't mind. You and your father share an "illness" and you are - to my mind - going to have a bond (other than father and daughter - and that is a very strong bond in its own right) that no one else can have.

Do you have any hobbies or interests that you could bring your mother in on? Cooking? Walking? I'm sorry - I don't know the first thing about you or what you like, so they may be really bad suggestions!

The other thing would be to print out your post above, tell her about the forum and say that you posted this. I'm sure the fact that you are feeling bad for her would help with any hurt she may be feeling.

I hope that helps and I'm sure others will have some good ideas too x

 

[Sing2me]

I have several hobbies but none she's really interested in unfortunately. Of course I don't mind you stating the obvious:). She has even gone as far as to say she thinks she also has PTSD. She doesn't. I don't say that biased she just doesn't have any of the normal symptoms like sleep hinderance or disturbance, hypervigilence and so forth. I have had to integrate myself into her world in order to maintain the peace and yet she still acts as if she feels she doesn't belong. Thanks you for your advice. They only reason I can't invite her here is because she will read anything I post and apply it to her or just be nosy. I would lose the forum.

 

[Bilby]

Is there something that she likes that you feel you could manage doing with her? Or could you and her, alone, just go out for lunch or dinner somewhere?

It sounds a little awkward and I can see where she's coming from in that she feels left out and perhaps unimportant?

I do think the bond with your Dad is a special one and one that you should hold dear as you may well be able to provide some support to one another?

 

[Sing2me]

I call her everyday and spend a couple of hours just the two of us talking. I usually go an see her later that day or go out to eat. I asked her to give me cooking lessons she got all excited about it but then basically said she didn't want to. Every now and then well go out shopping and that's fun. I hate malls so we go when it's least crowded.

 

[Nicolette]

She has even gone as far as to say she thinks she also has PTSD

First with this, everyone has different symptoms and some can be different due to severity and management or she might even have PTS or some other condition.... my advice here is not dismiss it but encourage her to get an assessment and diagnosis. I am sure you'd feel really bad if she did have something wrong and no-one paid attention.

My other thought is that it seems some of her behaviour is attention seeking. It sounds like you are paying her attention and are actually managing well despite your own illness. So, that then leads me back to my first thought and that is something greater is troubling her. To be all excited about cooking and then not wanting to do it can be an isolating type behaviour and reading between the lines, in my opinion, I again suggest a medical assessment.

 

[Sing2me]

I completely agree with you. I have tried to get her to get an assessment. She acts like she will then she won't. I know PTSD affects us all differently and I wouldn't dismiss her having one. I know she has one.

Her symptoms to me seem more along the line of depression and bipolar disorder but I'm no expert. She has mood swings, never know what will set her off. Sometimes mean and irrational behavior, saying whatever she thinks will hurt you worse. But she is also very kind at times (sewing uniforms for an orphanage, 50+ kids, for free). And then there are times she is also bitter and will never let to of a grudge. And she can obsess about what so and so is saying or doing against her or her family even years later while the rest of us (me, my dad, my brother) couldn't careless and they're technically our problems. Her nerves are shot and I am becoming extremely worried about her.

 

[Toria]

They only reason I can't invite her here is because she will read anything I post and apply it to her or just be nosy. I would lose the forum.

My Husband isn't on here either for exactly the same reason - I see this as My space!

I also agree with Nicolette, from what you say you are making more effort than most people I know make with their parents!!! Some of what you describe - especially not letting go of a grudge - describes my Husband, so perhaps she has something that needs investigating.

Personally I think that it's great you want to involve her and to make her feel good about herself and loved. However, she has to take responsibility within the relationship too as it sounds as if the effort is all yours and not much of hers.

 

[Sing2me]

Thank y'all for y'all's input. So from what y'all can tell I should keep doing as I am but unless she starts meeting me in the middle as I've done what I can?

 

[Nicolette]

I wonder what would happen if you changed tactics and actually didn't give your mum so much attention - like skip calling every day and make it every second? Would she call you if you didn't call or be upset?

I guess what I'm thinking is that perhaps you are actually enabling her behaviour how ever well-intentioned?

Maybe holding her accountable for her part in the relationship - like you expressing disappointment when she says yes to cooking but doesn't follow through?

Sitting on the outside Cherokee I believe you cope with more than most PTSD Sufferers and commend your ability to maintain such a relationship as I know many who wouldn't be able to over a longer time frame.

 

[Sing2me]

Thank you darlin. I've was almost born with PTSD(I know that isn't possible:)) so that plays a big part with coping. I've never known or don't remember what it was like to not have or be around it. Without it I'd have no foundation I imagine as it has always been apart of me.

I am going to try your suggestion of backing off see what her reaction will be. As far as calling though if I don't call she will. If she knows I'm not working shell average calling up to 8 times a day. No exageration. But I can quit making adaptions to include her as you suggested and see if she'll make the effort without being asked. Thanks for the advice!

 

[Nicolette]

If she knows I'm not working shell average calling up to 8 times a day. No exaggeration.

Hmmm....she seems awfully needy. Does your mum have friends; is she lonely? I was also wondering if she may have abandonment issues which are causing her to be so dependent on your attention?

Good luck!