Relationship Sufferer Is Going Downhill... Flashbacks

[Kita5789]

Over the past few months my sufferer has been going downhill. She's trying hard to save face but I see it, and she finally broke down this morning. She's had ongoing health concerns, which started this decline I think and isn't getting much better. She's mentioned a few times over the past few months that she's frustrated and feels her anger coming back and has considered going to see a therapist again or getting on medication but hasn't followed through. This morning she broke down saying she feels depression coming in and has started experiencing flashbacks of her past combat and assault trauma, as well as bad relationships. It very much concerned me. I tried to mostly listen, and then told her it's time to seek more help. She didn't respond much, just said it will get better. She doesn't have much as far as self care goes. She used to exercise and has said that helped a lot, but can't anymore due to her health. A major thing that gives her satisfaction and hope is work, but she's barely able to make it there. She hates accepting help and feeling "disabled" and is very prideful. I'm not sure how to react, or how to safely suggest she needs to get more help than just herself. I'm trying not to add more pressure to her life. But I'm really the most major and only support she has. And she doesn't like to break down to me too often, to try to protect me I think. Any suggestions from supporters and sufferers are welcomed!

 

[Sweetpea76]

All you can do is lovingly suggest she seek help, and let her know you're concerned for her well being. Ultimately though, you're not going to be able to talk her into going for help unless she wants it.

It's scary watching a loved one go downhill... Good luck, and hopefully she'll be open to seeking help.

 

[Lucycat]

I'm with Sweetpea. You can do nothing - she needs to access the help for herself - and it sounds like she needs ( and deserves) therapy.

 

[shimmerz]

Sufferer here. Keep in mind this is a really freaking emotionally loaded time of year. So incredibly draining.

I have my times where I can get out and exercise and others where I can't. My SO is pretty good about it. He leaves me to decide for myself but if he notices that I am not getting out the way I should he drags me around with him to get my self confidence back up. Small changes in routine can really throw me....

I would imagine (because it happened to me last year) that if she is physically suffering with an illness as well that she may well just need time to recoup. It is a lot. Depression, to my way of thinking is a way of freezing. I would suggest trying to get her out with you a bit if you are her grounding source.

 

[Kita5789]

Thank you all for your replies. I know I can't make her, and that decision has to come from her. Deep down I think she knows it's the right choice to get help right now, but is so damn hard headed and wanting to prove she can do it on her own that she's stuck. I'm just nervous mostly about the flashbacks suddenly popping up and what more stress and feelings that could cause. I'm also unsure how to deal with that. @shimmerz thanks for your perspective! I hope that it is just freezing and needing time to recoup. She's been stuck in the house a lot lately and I know that doesn't help. Unfortunately, we are in a long distance relationship so I can't drag her out places :( more fortunately though, she has a daughter that she enjoys going out and about with (but hasn't lately due to her being grounded) and her mom also comes back into town soon, and they spend time out together. Hopefully things look up more as the holiday passes..

 

[Kita5789]

Wanted to post an update here instead of bombarding her with my feelings. Things have gotten worse. I noticed a significant decrease in her communication with me. When it got brought to light, she shared that she is usually sleeping all the time and if she's awake she is frustrated and doesn't want to see or talk to anyone. Right after we started dating, she got diagnosed with a chronic pain disease and it has surely affected her tremendously. She shared she is frustrated with being sick and tired all the time. She said she doesn't even want to be around her mom and daughter. She's afraid she will be acting the same toward me when I'm planned to visit in 3 weeks. She also said this sickness is bringing her to a dark place and bringing things up in her mind that she thought she had moved past. She's fully aware of how her action or lack of actions are hurting those around her, including me, but says she isn't choosing to do so.
She tried to tell me I shouldn't have to deal with this, and that I'm doing so well and she doesn't want me to hurt or "break me" because of her isolation/feelings and inability to control it. Yet when I tell her it seems like she's trying to push me away or get me to leave she says she's not, but trying to get me to realize that this is what's happening. It's like she's trying to protect me from herself. Which I genuinely believe she cares.

I keep going back and forth between sadness, anger and feeling nothing. I'm angry because part of me thinks if she's aware of what she's doing and really cares then she can change it. We don't have huge issues, but our communication lacks because of her. And in a long distance relationship, talking is kind of essential. I'm sad because I also know it's not personal against me, I've done nothing wrong. And that she is trying. Her stress cup is definitely boiling over. After this conversation, I've been a mess. And she hasn't even checked in on me. I don't know where we are headed, but it does hurt me. Yet I also want to be there for her in such a low time. I want to reach out. But I know I probably shouldn't...

 

[Justmehere]

You have suggested help. It sounds like she knows help is out there. You can do anything to really compel her to get it before she is ready.

If you can be, keep being there for her.

Your heartbreak shows how much you care for her. Be sure to take really good of yourself in this. Keep reaching out for support and building up other relationships in your life like friendships.

Maybe if you go visit her, you could encourage her to go again, but be careful and cautious about pushing in too much - like it sounds like you have been doing.

It might also help to point her to this website, and she could she that she isn't alone in this. There is hope.

:hug: