Relationship Sufferer of C-PTSD broke up with me after a year

[HeartbrokenFool]

Hi, all. New here, so please let me know if there are any rules or norms I'm not aware of breaking in this post.

Three weeks ago, my (23M) girlfriend (21F) of a year broke up with me. She started getting therapy for her C-PTSD about when we started seeing each other, and has been remarkably strong in her fight to recovery.

We've had troubles since the beginning, but we've always been open and honest, and have managed to work through most issues. Some issues, however, kept popping up from time to time. Mainly, she was unable to commit to the relationship in the way that I was. I've known about her struggle with C-PTSD from the start, so I accepted that she needed time and space to figure some things out before she could commit to a serious relationship. I always rationalized sacrificing for the good of the relationship, telling myself that I can put myself aside temporarily to allow her to be independent. She still feels like the love of my life, and the times when we've both been working for the same goal, are the happiest times of my life. With this in mind, I felt like I was investing in a future I desperately wanted when I allowed toxicity into the relationship. That was a mistake.

When she realized that she felt trapped in a future – though we both wanted it – at such a young age, having never been allowed to build her own life independently, we had the "I'm not ready for this"-talk. Since we both really loved each other, we ended up not breaking up, but instead told ourselves that we would try to make it work. Mainly, we would try giving her more space, allowing her to be on her own without ending it. On my end, I accepted the fact that I would have to put my own happiness aside. On her end, it felt like it wasn't enough.

She kept pushing me away, and I kept accepting it, thinking about that future I wanted us to have. I have come to know the hard way, that as much as you want to and try as you might, you can't fix someone else's problems. And you can't set yourself aside. It all culminated in her breaking up with me three weeks ago, saying that she'd fallen out of love with me, since she felt like I didn't respect or love myself. In my head, my sacrifice was for her and for us, but ironically, it made her change her feelings about me.

I am so proud of her for reaching this point where she wants to find a way to be happy on her own, and the journey I have been witness to is the most astounding thing I have ever seen. I just can't help but feel like bad timing and poor judgement corrupted something that was beautiful, and that still could grow into something fantastic. I also feel like the mistake of not ending it when it became clear that she wasn't ready for a serious relationship like this, when we were both still in love. Hindsight is 20/20, and it's hard to do the right thing when the alternative feels so right as well.

I apologize for such a long post, and I'm not sure what I want you fine people to do. I suppose I want to hear if there is any hope for us still. And what I should do in the meanwhile. I still desperately want to fight for our future, but there's nothing I can actively do to make it happen other than to wait. And waiting without any reassurances is living hell. I also feel like I can't let her go, because I would have to force myself to get over her, and that feels dishonest and wrong. I am fairly lost, to say the least.

Thank you for your patience.

 

[fac]

Sorry that you're going through this but,Take care of yourself. You say you can't let her go, you're talking like you have a choice. I'm not trying to be insensitive, but letting her go may be just what you need. Self care is important for you now. Sounds like you are still putting yourself aside. Your needs are very important. If you wait and find her in the arms of another, that's pain you don't want. LET GO AND FOCUS ON YOURSELF FOR NOW. who knows what the future holds.

 

[Mytime]

Now is the time to stop putting your feelings aside. Put yourself first, do what you need to do for you. Relationship can’t work if it always one sided. Trying to hold on to something you have no control over will only invite frustration and depression. You can’t change the past, but you can grow from it. It’s now time for you.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Being a martyr isn’t going to fix it. “Waiting out” a mental illness isn’t really a viable option. You can’t love her better like in a fairy tale. In real life it’s codependent, not romantic.

The only way it can work is if SHE works on her mental health and then decides to put effort into the relationship. That is what sucks. One person cannot make a relationship.

 

[Friday]

PTSD here... There were a lot of relationships in my early 20s that -in retrospect- I could have been reeeeeeally happy with, in the long term. In part I know this because I’ve kept in sporadic contact with some people, and I’ve seen the people we’ve become, but it’s mostly because I’ve come to know myself really well. Those relationships, though? I have no regrets about ending, because they could NEVER have worked at the time. Which is also why they didn’t work, at the time. I was a hot mess, volatile as hell, and had no idea of who I was to become, or what I would want out of life. They HAD to end, because I wasn’t ready for them to become long term, so I couldn’t be happy in them then.

The best parallel I can think of? Imagine if you’d just applied to 6 schools, or 6 jobs, in 6 different countries. Until you’ve gotten those acceptance/offer letters over the next few months? It’s a practically impossible to make long term plans. You don’t even know what clothes you’ll need (snow or desert or tropical or 4 seasons), or maybe even which languages you’ll be speaking, or how much you’ll be paid or be paying. You can easily make day to day plans, whilst you wait to find out where your life is heading, but plans for next year? What about being offered a house in Melbourne? Well, that would be great if you got the Australia job, but what if you get the job in Bern, instead? The Aussie/Swiss commute is too long to make twice a day. Meanwhile you already have some friends booking airfare to visit you in Hong Kong, whilst others have started driving to London, and there’s a group rate in New York City for a month in May... :confused: Aieeeeeee! You don’t even know if you’re going to be offered a job in any of these places, and people are already spending thousands heading for places you don’t know if you’ll be? And then say, don’t worry! If you get the Swiss job, we’ll just wait for you in Australia, set up the house all nice and cozy for you! We’ll see you Tuesday in London/HongKong/NewYork & help you unpack! :confused:

It’s a bit crazy making when the people in your life are 3 steps ahead of you. Or 300. While it would be nice to do the things they want to do in these places? Those aren’t plans you can make, right now. Because you don’t know where you’re going. And their planning on waiting for you there? Doesn’t actually take the pressure off. It simply adds guilt and stress. Because you don’t know if you’ll be there in a month or never. Because you haven’t even been offered the job, yet. And once the offers come? You’ll still have to figure out what you want to do. Other people striking off to jumpstart your life, and wait for you? Is skipping over so much of what needs to happen, for you, first.

Whether you’re asking people who are jumping ahead to give you time to figure out what you’re doing, and where you’re going, before they make plans centering around you... or someone else is asking for time to figure their lives out before you make plans centering around them... is much the same thing.

 

[HeartbrokenFool]

Thank you so much for your words. A thing known might just have become a thing cemented.