Relationship Sufferers what is the one thing you wish your supporter would do or not do?

[A concerned spouse]

As a supporter, I have come to realize there is not a lot of information for those who support someone with PTSD. As with most sufferers, they tend to avoid and numb when PTSD triggers overload their ability to communicate (especially to the ones they love). So I thought it would be educational for all of us supporters if you could chum in and tell us what you need or don't need from the supporter in your life.

 

[Justmehere]

I find it helpful when supporters ask me what helps and doesn't, as it can vary wildly from person to person.

It helps so much when they do not try to read my mind (I'll do the best to not try to read theirs) and tell me what they need and want in the relationship.

It is good when supporters set and keep their boundaries, and communicate them clearly. It helps when they do not try to be my therapist, and avoid over pathologizing me, and do not assume everything I do is related to PTSD.

 

[Chem Lady]

This is just my own personal experience, but it helps me so much when my husband is willing just to sit quietly with me and maybe just gently touch my back or leg when I'm struggling with reliving things or when I can't deal with noise or movement. Just a quiet support.

 

[Deleted member 40995]

hi :)
It helps for them not to bring up the trauma or PTSD unless the sufferer does first. For example, I knew someone who decided the best way to help me get better was to continuously bring up what happened and force me to talk about it even when I didn't feel like it and expressed that I did not want to talk. I think it helps to let sufferers feel as normal as possible, when someone continuously brings up my PTSD or trauma when I don't want to talk about it, it makes me feel like I can't lead a normal life.
Another thing is being careful with your reactions when the sufferer tells you about a flashback or part of their trauma. It's really hard to talk about sometimes, and it's important to me when I tell someone about it, I really trust that person and am being vulnerable. The worse reaction is the one who doesn't react at all, have told friends before and they don't even aknowledge that I just trusted them with some painful information. Makes me feel like they don't believe me or are super uncomfortable. I guess when I talk about what happened it is most helpful to have my supporter listen and try to be understanding; I know that can't always understand exactly why things trigger me etc. but its the fact that they show that believe me and care thats important :)

 

[Deleted member 40995]

Another thing is affirmation, I have a really hard time somedays understanding why my supporters care about me or believing that people actually care about me. It's no reflection on the supporter, it doesn't mean they haven't been doing an awesome job making me feel loved or cared about, it's just a personal thing, I cant always understand that people could genuinly care about me, so giving plenty of affirmation when needed is so helpful :)
Also know that just because we don't always understand why people care about us doesn't mean you aren't doing great at showing us, I have had supporters that showed that cared in so many ways, it's just a self doubting thing for me.

 

[Sideways]

@Rosie11 pretty much nailed it for me. Because even supporters who have known me for ages and know about the nature of my trauma? Still do it!

Steer clear of talking about things related to my trauma. Just don't go there! Don't talk about priests (enter relevant version of abuse here), because it doesn't actually matter how compassionate and empathetic you are, there's really no way to navigate that conversation safely. There are too many variables on my end that's gonna make that conversation go pear-shaped.

It's not a complete ban. If there's something they desperately need to communicate, give me the heads up that's where you're going. Otherwise? Just don't go there. Just. Don't!

 

[EveHarrington]

The title says it all!

You're a "supporter" not a "fixer"....!

I turn to you for support (most of the time), and not advice.

So please listen. Ask me what I need in that moment.

If you have feedback to give, ask me if I'm open to hearing it. If you have advice to give, ask me if I'm open to hearing it.

My guy is awesome. Total problem solver. (It's actually a wonderful quality to have and I very much appreciate this trait of his.) His go to response is to fix things, but when I'm stressed I usually want support and not advice. I have gotten better at telling him I am looking for support, and he has gotten better at not automatically jumping into fix-it mode.

 

[Fadeaway]

Not take things so personally. If it is about you, I will tell you. Please don't try and interpret, take what I say at face value.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

• Having a supporter make time to learn more about me as a whole individual, not just the parts of me that fit the label and experiences of c-ptsd. (but that also makes me responsible for openly and honestly communicating, so I don't automatically put my supporter at a disadvantage from the get-go)
  
• Having a supporter make time to learn what their needs are, too, as I've noticed many of the folks who attempt to support me aren't even sure of how to help or healthily interpret their own stuff, yet, which leads to ongoing frustrated repeats of the blind leading the blind.
• Having a supporter learn to be okay with my silence...I respond to things as I'm able...being response-able isn't something I can always readily turn on and off at the drop of a thought...and damn sure not at the drop of a command.

Sorry for putting more than one thing, but those are the three that stand out the most to me based on my past experiences.

 

[I_Am_Titanium]

I concur with what everyone has put here. I have a few to add.

* Don't judge me for what happened to me in my past that traumatized me.
* Don't invalidate or minimize my trauma ("it couldn't have been that bad", "maybe it didn't really happen the way you thought it did").
* Don't tell me you know me better than I know myself and then try to "fix" me or "help" me become a better person and don't tell me I'm a bad person that needs help becoming a better person.

Please Do:
* Genuinely listen to me when I need your support through a difficult trigger
* Let me cry and sob on your shoulder when I need to. Sometimes a genuine loving hug helps more than you know.
* Empathize with me.
* Validate my feelings and thoughts
* Ask me, don't tell me any "you should"

 

[Mach123]

I just want more of her. There isn't enough time left. "She is a fine person and for a fine person, one should have only fine words." She holds me up and I hold her up. Everything stopped when we met. That was a long time ago.

 

[Nessa7]

One thing that hasn't been mentioned yet is to be aware of their own hang-ups about mental illness and to make an attempt to not be discriminatory or say anything that would support the stigma against people with mental illnesses.

As long as I am following the directions of my psychiatrist and therapist, I want my supporters to have faith in my ability to judge what is in my best interest and what I need from them. They know that I do not want to stop taking medications or quit therapy, so this would be something that they should be concerned about.