Suffering Extreme Emotions

[goingonhope]

The issue is this: these behaviours increase your PTSD symptoms. These behaviours have to change in order for you to have a healthy relationship. Has your husband read the guide for sufferers in the spouse section yet? I would suggest that you print it off and make sure he reads it..

I agree with you bec, that these behaviors increase my PTSD symptoms. Husb. has not yet read sufferers guide. As of yet, he has not once looked at this forum, even though I've invited and encouraged him too. I found and printed the guide out. It just so happens he got stuck for 8hrs. overtime today, which means he got up at 5am and will be working til 11pm and will drive for an hr. home. Worry much about him making it home safely, as struggles to stay awake while driving, we've all seen this and he tells me.

Best that I wait til tommorrow night or following day before asking him to read it. If it doesn't work out this weekend, next week might work well, as he was just notified today that he has been given 8 days FSL, in which he'll be home all wk. with me, while I recover from Mon.'s surgery and the kids will be in school. Did tell him when he called tonight that in a response to what I had posted, a guide specifically written for the family and loved ones of those suffering w/ PTSD, was recommended reading. I asked him if he'd please read it. He said, "How long is it?" I told him that it didn't really matter, but that it was very imp. and vital for him to read, as it was very informative for those families memb. living with PTSD sufferers and could be of much help to us, and that I needed his help on this one. He agreed, he would.

I'm glad I did not tell him that afterwards I'd like us to sit down and discuss anything, this would've frightened him. I know this, if it's consistent with a pattern which I've observed over many mo. and even yrs. Suppose there is always hope, but truthfully it makes me feel anxious to even remind him to read it in the first place. It's not like him to take that initiative to ask to read it and then when I present him with it, he's likely to respond with frustration and even anger, as whatever time I choose will likely be inconvenient for him. So perhaps I'll ask him to choose when he'd like to read it.

And certainly, it makes me feel anxious to discuss it with him (I'm still willing though), bc IMHO, and I told him this just the other night in proper context, that with all the abuse, neglect and insanity in my FOO, somewhere I learned, if only in my '12 step recovery' efforts, that I communicate far more effectively than he. Of course this was in the time-frame of our fight on New Years' Eve. ......


insert- [I'm afraid of his comments and response to it. If they show any signs of an unwillingness to understand or believe and trust, (Rejection) or simple ignorance, (Frustration) then I'm triggered, big time.]


......He had already given up his fight, at this point, in our evening from sheer exhaustion, and was mostly lying back listening to me vent. Otherwise our evening never would have ended. I'm not the type of person one can angrily disagree with after being abruptly unreasonable to me and unwilling to apologize and then expect me to settle down and forget everything for the evening so as to sleep. That is quite impossible for me to sleep after escalating into full-blown PTSD symptoms. He's amazing in that he could turn over and fall asleep in a moments time, regardless of what. I've wondered for quite sometime that if it was I who abruptly initiated the unreasonableness and insensitive BS, and upset him, if he would then be able to sleep so well. What upsets me the most about fights like that is yes, I later provoke fright in all my anxiety, but I would never reach this point if someone was working with me and reasonable. I can be unreasonably, Reasonable, if not thoughtlessly antagonized or provoked.

Now as I write this I find myself feeling frustrated and angry with my husb., which at this moment in time is unnecc., bc he and I have been doing our very best to communicate in the last few days through words and some actions (not sex) that in all of our 'FRUSTRATION' that we Love one another, want to stay together and work things out. So in my attempt to sort through some pain and confusion and be honest, I'm not in anyway wanting to be disloyal to him.

A couple of things that I have compassion for with husb. is that he has worked over 2 decades in a care-taker position with phys. disabled and MR people. He sincerely cares about them, and is quite effective and talented in his work. He works all day, 5 days a wk, now for over 2 decades as a care-taker. We have twins and then he has me, he doesn't drink is now alomst 1 mo. away from cigg's and must be burnt and fed up with caretaking when he arrives home evenings. I could on about his strengths and perhaps I should, so as to appreciate him more, but that's another subject.

Well anyhow, before I write another chapter, let me say, that if in anyway I've played around in what I've now written or ANYTHING, in the future, you bec and anyone else, knowledgeable and exp., can tell me so, bc I very much appreciate it. I've almost Never -(a strong word, but I believe it's used correctly in this case), had anything helpful pointed out, suggested, or even guided, ...or told anything by anyone who ever had any insight, knowledge and experience on much regarding me. And I believe that you bec and many, many members here, have all that it takes, (or will have), with much of their own honesty, education, time and healing to be of service and accurately reflect what the heck' is really going on.

You see, what's always been reflected back in my life has been most ugly. I have absolutely no tolerance of it anymore, and deeply appreciate thinking people.

I messed up again, tonight and allowed my kids to have egg nog in the livingroom with pizza, (knowing the rules) in front of a movie and then when my daughter spilled hers I felt so damn angry and she got so upset. Ya' I was able to apoligize to her sometime after, reassuring her that I was the person I was angry with, and that it wasn't her, and that it was my fault. And, I held her and comforted her and even asked her to say aloud that she didn't do anything wrong, but gee my attempt after the fact was something, but not good enough, bc I was the one who reflected back to her in the first place, over some stupid spilled egg nog, some stupid, angry, ugly Bullshit, that simply does not belong with her. I didn't persist on ranting and raving, but it really doesn't matter, bc it was sudden BS and as of yet, it seems, I'm developing a pattern of it, ie. my bullshit.

 

[becvan]

Books are good, Hope, as they give me a more accurate picture, so please stop apologizing for it.. I rather like it..

I'm very tired tonight so I will just say this till tomorrow..

I am SO PROUD OF YOU. You did really really good. This triggers anxiety for you and you are facing it calmly. Asking him to pick out a time to read it was a really good idea.. Always give a person control over their own decisions.. also hold him accountable to that time he picks (shy of a real emergency).

The rest I'll get into later. I'm glad this is helping and I'm very proud of you for your courage and commitment.

Bec

 

[goingonhope]

My triggers with husb.’s present comm. style…

• His negativity - What do I feel? loss, alarm/horror, famil., fear, agitation, alertn., care, attentiv., request., compet., boldness, complaint, rejection, hurt, negativity, loneliness, depression, despair, defensiv., frustr., embarras., fear and great anxiety of others controlling or antagoniz. destr. neg., lack of underst. of him, disgust, sadness, vulnerability, fears and feelings of having no control, failure, humil., angst, apathy, bitterness, hate, caution, and exhaust.

*Thought I would attempt to uncover how these triggers make me feel. As I look at feelings, I identify with so many that it now becomes apparent that all Negativity regardless of source, bombards, and sends me flat on my ass emot. Will take a look at some of my feelings regarding other triggers another time.

• His lack of willingness or ability and excuse of no time to listen to what I might have to say. *(In writing this I can see where I too do this with him now as I fearfully anticipate his ineffective approach to communicate.

• His BS excuses that someone is listening and doing so without any eye-contact or while walking out of the room, reading newsp., watching tv. ect.

• His blaming me for things beyond my control and things I have not done.

• His oversensit. to noise and his abrupt outbursts of frustration and anger.

• His unrealistically high expectations for kids and I.

• His lack of motiv., willingness to structure time and desire to go out and enjoy life with kids.

• His indiff. and lack of interest in any human touch or intimate eye contact, with our kids or I.

• His outbursts of frustration and anger when his sleep is interrupted no matter what the importance of him being perhaps only mom. inconvienced. (Selfishness)

• His irritability, and insinuation that there is something wrong with me, or the kids, bc he’s presently has set to high expect., stressed, lacking knowl., sanity, or common sense. (Others denial and dumping of their tensions) *(always follows if we get to close or want to be close to husb and for too long, or we ask him if we can talk, or comment that he’s clearly not listening. Well, my kids don’t when he clearly doesn’t listen to a word said, instead daughter is saddened and son becomes frustrated and angrily says something.

• His patterns of destructive criticism

• His offering out countless obstacles to the mere mention of achieving some goal, aspiration or dream.

• His displays of intent. defiance and or created techn. disagr. (when in fact we’re both in agreement) resulting from blame of & resentment towards me. (Nonsense)

• His both clear message and ongoing suggestions that I am to contin. to perform as if I’m of no value whatsoever and no more than an object, and not in a sexual sense whatsoever, (continuous Pressure and manip.) rather in a robotic sense of the word.

*…must accomplish this, than this, than that…must accomplish next task at hand. Reprogramming: there is no time for rest, relax., your interests….must head in this direction and complete this next or fall victim to my fears, anxieties, frustr. and resentm. Did not program exhaustion and sickness, must move forward…accomplishing this next and that. Do not understand need to program ’getting help’ or ’asking for help’…“there is none or, It is not necessary! A significant waste of precious time….carry on!”

Triggers in gen., which I may happen upon almost anywhere, and most times I suffer from and lose to powerlessness, and falling flat on my ass with.

• Negativity

• Frequent displays of selfishness and insensitivity, in the face of need or emot. pain.

• Any re-occurring chronic habits of reflecting selfishness, manip. and cruelty towards anyone you claim to love.

• Indifference, ie. lack of simple acknowl. of someones mere presence. (To ignore, silent treatment & self-absorption w/ self-pity).

• Other’s Ego - People telling me that they know what’s best, for me, others, and themselves when clearly they suffer much delusion and ignorance….and will only admit to it yrs. later after they’ve already made my life and others most difficult and have then grabbed hold of recovery for themselves, and have claimed, “Oh’ sorry, I didn’t know, what I didn’t know!” ….Well they would’ve if they had f’n listened to anyone other than themselves, learned and applied anything other then their own habitual and ineffective Bsh’t. (Arrogance & Egomania)

Repeated occurrences of all of the above cement in me that this shit will always go on for the rest of my entire life, I will never escape it and those people, and why bother trying….why bother trying anything good for that matter.

There remains a list of other such comm. that triggers me and I have little to no tolerance for. Tends to bring out my very worst feelings, that of hopelessness, terror, bitterness then hatred.

I value the privilege of having and sharing emotions, positive ones as well, if provided there is at least someone else around who seems to value people this and theirs too.

If I have no one around who has time for or gives one shit about feelings, and being, then I have and fear I must continue to say, ‘to hell with this part of me,’ as it’s proven far too much of an inconveince and frustration for others and is simply far to painful to feel alone. Not everyone values the need for emotions.

In addition, I value the opport. in life to be avail. to others who permit and accept their emotions. If others don’t say or express how they feel, I don’t mind read. I shouldn’t, but do assume that many don’t feel much or anything, as they simply have not, (past) and will not (present) talk about or express much, if anything, regarding feeling. The commun. involves much BS (ex: blaming, defensiveness, doubt, exagg. fears, personalization, frustration, pessimism, obstacles, lack of hopefulness, exhaustion, ect.) and pulls forth this same BS from me, which I otherwise would not be interested in had I not been driven near the edge or f’n insanity.

Everything but feeling! Damn It! Feeling, sensitivity toward others, lack of criticism and non-judgement is the furthest priority to most all those I met throughout my limited, oppressive, and isolated life.

Inevitably I end up feeling hopeless and repeatedly taught the same old f’n lesson: Why bother being, feeling, increas. learning, knowing and getting to know anyone, as I fear it will always end the same.

Some of the untruths I tell myself are:

All people are like this, ie. destructively, patterned and programmed robots…the truth is perhaps all or most I’ve ever known, but that’s few in comparison to the many.

And, though I’ve struggled like hell to stay alive in the midst of spiritual, death all around me, I’ve failed and though there is still hope, I am not uniquely different or superior.

And, though through most of it, I’ve kept my mind educated and always learning, gener. always willing to risk most anything that will help shed life’s most painfully impossible lessons and the rotten bullshit crammed down my throat, I’m still lacking vital solutions to how to live in this world (not the past and/or fantasy), and how to want to know and get along with the people in it.

Husband’s irritability, frustr. and anger I fear is apt to progress and intensify at anytime, despite his best efforts. I suspect that he has denied and surpressed much, having responded very passively at times and is now is struggling with his aggression. Perhaps we’re both clueless as to what assertive looks like. We don’t know!

I have to say that I think my husb. is trying hard to change what he see’s about him that is less than effective, but presently has no safe and educ. friends, family, advisor anyone to help him, or offer him support. And, of course he has something to do with going it alone. Calling anyone, sitting down to read anything helpful on any relevant subject, none of this is any of his priorities yet. He’s made it clear to me, that he doesn’t need help. And, he’s most clear that he hasn’t the time, for any of it anyhow.

My conclusion is that despite my best efforts, I’ve failed at ducking much ‘shit abuse’ slung my way, and simply now have far, far too many triggers, all stemming from years of captivity, exposure to (lets put it this way, less than good and effective ways of being; Combined with my own wrong decisions and sense of chronic powerlessness.

Now, I’m really not comfortable with openly taking my husb.’s inventory. So I’d like to point out that this is far more about how I learn and recognize my problems and triggers, cope and minimize stress, and not about creating and placing expectations upon him for change. As I’ve said it once before, I chose him in marriage as much as he chose me, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to run from him, to better suit me, unless I Must; If one day conclusive that I must separate for the sanity of All involved, well then I hope I would leave.

 

[anthony]

I must say hope, your giving me a chubby with the assertiveness flowing from you above, compared to you a short time ago. Damn girl.... high five for taking control of you.

 

[hannah]

Hope - All youve written above is indeed a lesson to me in clarity - you have penned an extremely clear picture of your thought processes and emotions and responses to your situation. I can Identify with the frustration you portray at your husband and your commitment to marriage. I have lived in a fog for a long time due to my husbands "no time for this" or emotional denial. Thank you for sharing this and helping yourself and in turn others. I have greatly learned from it. I need to read it again to actually acknowledge
the similar feelings I identified. Wishing you well. Hannah

 

[elvis]

Her blank stare everytime, void emotions and No response to my accomplishments, her inability to even see me, that I might know that I was real and her unwillingness to ever listen that I might be reassured that I just spoke, had devastating affects upon me

i think we had the same mom. and i am so sorry.

 

[goingonhope]

I see improvements from both my husb. and I. I hope it's lasting improvements. Thanks for the compliment anthony. Assertivenss, I'm truly, truly seeing some of this in me. A lot more than before, for the time being, though I know things may change quickly.

Hannah I found your response Validating and much appreciated.

And elvis, unless your mom absolutely loves Elvis P., Country music, and an enorm. selection of other old'time music, than she can't be the same mom. LOL Only kidding with you elvis.

I'm sorry you can identify so well with this description fittin to your mom, too, bc my mom was a hell'a'va sick woman, and what made it most difficult for me was that my memory of her was of a very special, lovely woman and it was as if it was like branded in my mind and deeply etched in my soul, and once upon a time I loved her so much, and I wanted her to continue to love me.....but when I was still quite young, something happened (Who knows what?) and ALL her love for me was GONE. Like nowhere to be seen again and replaced with fear, resentment, jealousy, her agonizing self-pity, anger and hatred..and yet I couldn't get those lovely images of her out of my mind. These images and my sweet longing for the return of the mother I once thought I knew, sometimes has driven me right back for more abuse and/or neglect.