I developed PTSD in 1998 after a gunshot wound to the chest.I was in the Marine Corps but not in combat, I was actually home on Thanksgiving. After the the accident I felt so lost and out of place and noticed I was treated differently by my unit. Before i was the goto guy for anything and everything but after the accident i was put on phonewatch and duty lists for everything. I went undiagnosed for 10 years and during that time I suffered tremendously. I tried self medicating (Vicodin and xanex)and drinking heavily. The pills helped because I would forget but I also would not remember what I had done over the last couple days.
In 2001 I met my fiance and we have been together ever since. We have 4 children and they are my life. I quit drugs and drinking then and tried to be "normal" whatever that is. I would have attacks and have to leave places (grocery stores, gas stations, wherever I was at the time) Nightmares were nonstop and just about crazy things. In 2008 I started going to the VA for all my healthcare and during a depression screening I was pulled into a little room with a councellar and I had an attack. I wanted to run. Every part of my being wanted to be out of that room right now. I stayed and talked and the councilor decided I needed help . WIthin a month or so I was diagnosed with PTSD and Bipolar manic depression. I was put on a variety of medications with elevated or decreased doses the last was citalpram hydrobromide with abilify. This made me a zombie, I still felt the same inside but I could not react. I quit taking them in Nov of 2013. I have had alot of attacks since then but they have been minor.
I started a new job last Monday and had an attack Wednesday while at work. I had to take some time and just breathe. Then Saturday I had a bad attack and called a crisis hotline. I did not know what to do I was at the end of my rope so to speak. I don't think I would have hurt anyone or myself but I didn't know what to do.
Most of the time I hate myself. I feel subhuman and alone. I can't help but think the world is better off without me. I have 5 children total, my fiance, 6 sisters, 4 brothers, and my mom and dad. If it were not for my family I would not be here now. The pain is unbearable at times but I know they need me so I stay. I get by one day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time. I feel so alone and nondeserving of this. I hope someone can relate to this and maybe it helps them. I am going back into counciling monday.
In 2001 I met my fiance and we have been together ever since. We have 4 children and they are my life. I quit drugs and drinking then and tried to be "normal" whatever that is. I would have attacks and have to leave places (grocery stores, gas stations, wherever I was at the time) Nightmares were nonstop and just about crazy things. In 2008 I started going to the VA for all my healthcare and during a depression screening I was pulled into a little room with a councellar and I had an attack. I wanted to run. Every part of my being wanted to be out of that room right now. I stayed and talked and the councilor decided I needed help . WIthin a month or so I was diagnosed with PTSD and Bipolar manic depression. I was put on a variety of medications with elevated or decreased doses the last was citalpram hydrobromide with abilify. This made me a zombie, I still felt the same inside but I could not react. I quit taking them in Nov of 2013. I have had alot of attacks since then but they have been minor.
I started a new job last Monday and had an attack Wednesday while at work. I had to take some time and just breathe. Then Saturday I had a bad attack and called a crisis hotline. I did not know what to do I was at the end of my rope so to speak. I don't think I would have hurt anyone or myself but I didn't know what to do.
Most of the time I hate myself. I feel subhuman and alone. I can't help but think the world is better off without me. I have 5 children total, my fiance, 6 sisters, 4 brothers, and my mom and dad. If it were not for my family I would not be here now. The pain is unbearable at times but I know they need me so I stay. I get by one day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time. I feel so alone and nondeserving of this. I hope someone can relate to this and maybe it helps them. I am going back into counciling monday.
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