Suicidal Anger?

[Justmehere]

I went from angry to now just wanting to be done with life literally overnight. The hopelessness hit me like a freight truck after being triggered today. I saw my therapist. She thinks I need to get better at asking for help without feeling anxious about it. I ask for help. I just get really anxious about asking for help. I don't know why working on this makes me feel so hopeless. Yesterday I had hope and a future. Today I'm battling thought of suicide. I will not do it. I didn't tell the therapist and I absolutely won't act on it. I'm so angry... I'm sad, but I feel more anger than sadness. I felt angry at the therapist, and her homework assignment, and she knew. She took it well, but it came up at the end of the session so I figured we would have to sort it out next time. I want to give up. I'm so mad. Suicidal thoughts seem more typically linked to sadness and depression, but I feel a mix of hopelessness and anger.

 

[a3a2]

I'm sorry, Justmehere. I have been where you are, and I know how badly it hurts. It still happens to me occasionally, but with therapy and with some meds, it doesn't happen often. And when it does the episodes are far shorter. I am glad you have made up your mind not to carry it through, and I am so happy you are taking care of yourself and getting therapy. I hope you will find here the same support I have found.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am so sorry you're going through this @Justmehere. I think I understand. I too am very resistant to asking for help. Am hyper-independent. My therapist keeps telling me, "You know you can call me anytime." I told him today, "Thank you for saying that. I appreciate it. But I won't call you. If I called you when I needed you, I'd be calling you every day! So I won't do it." Well, I did do it once when I was a bit afraid of myself, that I was going to do something impulsive and self-destructive.

Suicidal thoughts seem more typically linked to sadness and depression, but I feel a mix of hopelessness and anger.

Are you angry with yourself? That's when I get the suicidal ideation. I get angry and hopeless and into really extreme thinking. A long time ago I was pretty self-destructive and probably a suicide risk. For me, now, I understand that I just think about suicide. It is a weird form of dissociation that comes on when I get into extremes.

I am learning, VERY SLOWLY, but learning, that my moods do shift, like yours. When I get into that vortex you're talking about, I try to remember that I felt differently yesterday, or an hour ago, or a minute ago, and that the vortex will pass too. It's the all-or-nothing thinking we get into that is so destructive. When I'm hopeful and happy, I think, "Oh, my ptsd is fine! I'm healed!" When I'm angry with myself and hopeless, I think, "I am a disaster. I'm in pain. I will never feel better. I want to die." We just need to learn patience with our ever-shifting states. Easier said than done, but paying attention to how many times your mood shifts over the course of a few days can be quite enlightening.

Sending healing wishes your way.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm sorry, Justmehere. I have been where you are, and I know how badly it hurts. It still happens to me occasionally, but with therapy and with some meds, it doesn't happen often. And when it does the episodes are far shorter.

I'm sorry you have felt like this too, and it helps to know I'm not alone in this. I'm so glad it has gotten better for you. That gives me hope...

Are you angry with yourself? That's when I get the suicidal ideation. I get angry and hopeless and into really extreme thinking. A long time ago I was pretty self-destructive and probably a suicide risk. For me, now, I understand that I just think about suicide. It is a weird form of dissociation that comes on when I get into extremes.

I am learning, VERY SLOWLY, but learning, that my moods do shift, like yours. When I get into that vortex you're talking about, I try to remember that I felt differently yesterday, or an hour ago, or a minute ago, and that the vortex will pass too. It's the all-or-nothing thinking we get into that is so destructive.

Ah, yes, you have said it so well - I get angry, feel like I will never change, and then I get stuck in very black and white thinking and then it seems like all hope is lost... It does feel like getting sucked into a vortex. I can be fine one day... and whoosh... I'm contemplating ending it all because I'm hopelessly furious or angrily hopeless... It helps to know it has been improving of you too. It does feel endless in the moment and it is really helpful to remember I was ok yesterday and I will likely be ok again in the future. This too shall pass. But hard to believe it will in the middle of it. Thanks for the encouragement to and perspective.

 

[Barconian]

The hopelessness hit me like a freight truck after being triggered today.

I say you did well today!!!