Suicidal Ideation As Search For A Passage

[Deleted member 29899]

I'm new here. This is the first time i've met people like this, like myself, with s. ideation. Actually, I am s. obsessed really, for years now, not just ideation, but acted on it, plans, etc., etc.. It's the C-PTSD for sure and I don't know how to get out of this head space.
Your story was so touching Gadgie, it took my breath away. This almost happened to me a couple months ago, from another PTSD site, however I would not give anyone my number. (Canadians are like that you know, they'll go the extra mile! lol)
None of them (at least none of them expressed or chimed in) that they were often in a state of SI, let alone CONSTANTLY in a state like this as I am. None of them talked about suicide.
I'd like to ask you guys for advice, but you likely don't have the answers just like I don't so I don't want to throw a question out there.
I am so close to the edge every day. It's very frightening. It always has been frightening but I suppose I really have almost had enough.
Thank you all for sharing. This looks like a good site.

 

[WillyKat]

I never mentioned that I had made plans several times and was close to carrying them out on three occasions, one in particular was right on the edge.

I think the way out of that space is to focus on your therapy and healing. The SI is a product of our illness after all, so focussing on the SI is indirect.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Unfortunately I've come at a stand still with therapy because I've run out of money. It took me years to get the proper diagnosis (which is unbelievable, given all the trauma) and decades to finally find a good therapist who is well versed in PTSD. (After untold thousands of dollars.)
I don't know about any of you but for myself I know that at this point I'd unravel or end up in the hospital if I had to start over with a (less skilled) therapist. (I don't think I even have the option of seeing someone else)
I'd crack from re-living all the trauma from re-telling alllllll the lifetime of traumas to someone new. I cannot risk cracking up or ending up in hospital which really set me back and the experience of that alone was traumatizing.
So I'm living on my own with no resources other than the crisis line which I don't use, I just try to make it through each 24 hrs without s.
I don't feel like I have any tools. It doesn't seem right that I should be left this way.

 

[Gadgie]

I had to wait for two years before I even got any therapy, I didn't stay long with the first one, as she kept saying "yes I know" when she had no idea at all what PTSD was?

The second therapist I got was good, but I was dumped after six months, because they said I had too many issues going back over too much time??

The only people who can understand, are people who have suffer from it as well, other wise it's like a Virgin trying to explain the pain of giving birth, to a mother who has already had children?

I've developed my own policy now, and that is to try and find one good point to every day, and not to moan about what I haven't got? But make the best, and to enjoy what little I have got, it's working for me so far, but I still struggle some days.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @imok , I think it is actually a good sign to feel afraid of how you feel (SI) versus ambivalence, keep that & don't let the thoughts or feelings deceive you in to thinking it's better or preferable (for you or others), harder still to fight it when it seems like an option. I think that self-care (small things) is one way to work on getting stable first, sleep too if possible, perhaps it is good timing to not delve in to further trauma processing until after that, concentrate on that first. Sounds like it unearthed too much too soon.

Welcome to you. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Junebug what are you talking about? It's a good thing to be afraid that I will s? Sure, I guess so, not that the fear would stop me.
I haven't slept in years. Just got out of a sleep clinic. They can't help me. It's from trauma. Sleep alone would probably change my life.
I do take care of myself, walk every day, eat well but life means nothing. Trauma has taken away who I was. Destroyed me. Taken everything from me. Everyone as well as my job.

 

[Tinyflame]

@imok I'm sorry if I sounded insensitive or callous or misunderstanding you, that wasn't my intention. I have experienced what you speak of, in fact for most of the past 30+ years, as have other members here. So much stripped away or lost. I just mean (after my own experience) that the 'fear' is a good thing, as in like any pain it's a motivator to try something different, or to 'want' to prevent it (to want to survive). I understand it in & of itself won't stop it, but it's actually better than solely desiring it (s), or coming near to death (accidentally or through health problems) & having no desire to live when that occurs.

I know that you've mentioned about the insomnia, if it's trauma-based it can be improved upon. But I found it takes time. I still can't get more than 4 hours interrupted a night but I've grown accustomed to it. Each area will help to build on the other. There is much that can be done (& needs to be done) without a T or outside of or alongside of therapy.

Is there anyone you can speak with? This forum, a friend, a help-line, a sliding-scale T, someone at a church or 12 step or support group? I am in Canada as well.

(PS @WillyKat I'm sorry, didn't mean to take your thread off topic.)

 

[ihateusernames]

Oh, hey @imok ! You must be the one who started the sleep-related thread I just read. Welcome to the forum! I know how it can sound, but what @Junebug is talking about has been my experience, as well. I went through several periods of many years with constant suicidal thoughts. They began as a child, and as a child I felt powerless even to take my own life. But as an adult I moved into planning. But then one day I became afraid that I would go through with it and succeed and that was the beginning of the end of most of my own suicidal ideation. I have had random thoughts pop into my head since then, even as recently as this month, but they don't stick around and become obsessions. Maybe for some of us when we come to a place where the idea of dying at that moment is terrifying, as opposed to seeming like a ray of hope, we can move away from it because it has lost its appeal. Maybe we become our own saviors in the sense that @WillyKat is talking about.

I don't know. Suicidality is a tricky thing. That's what makes it so scary and so dangerous. I imagine it's a very different process for everybody, and it's something that I don't really come close to fully understanding even having lived through it and it's a completely alien concept to those who have no experience of it. I do hope that you find a way to get some help, soon.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Well, there is suicide ideation and there is suicidal. I suppose I fall somewhere in between or more to the suicidal. Everything is ready to go, all jewelry is in order and designated along with all other valuables, all letters have been written, copies of my new will for the appropriate designated people, goodbye gifts in bags for people, heirlooms with sticky note name tags on them. Pretty much bags are packed and ready to go, for lack of a better phrase. I live among piles and boxes of my important things to give away. Ridiculous to live that way, without help. There is not one hour where I don't think about dying.
Scared yes but I live in too much fear here. No one should live in so much fear, afraid to even be conscious.
(So that's why my comment about the fear is not a healthy thing. Also there was a comment about 'much revealed too soon', not sure where or what that was about. Post didn't even seem to be in response to anything I said... No problem though. People misunderstand people.)
(Sorry to original poster, I seem to have taken over. I don't know how to respond to posts without saying what's going on with me or maybe it's because I'm in pretty rough shape.)

 

[joeylittle]

@imok, I'm very sorry to hear of your struggle. I battle ideation as well.

Are you in danger right now? From your post above its hard to tell - but if you are, do you have a way to get to hospital, or a crisis number you can call?

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Joey I'm in danger every day. Every single day. I was in hospital once, never again. It was a tramatizing experience, so many mistakes that were made in there by the Dr and the nurses as well as ZERO therapy or counselling while there. I know what a hospital stay would entail- load me up on more powerful drugs that I'll have to get off of. The Dr I had knows that, I know that, the counsellor I had knows that and ultimately they know it would be counterproductive. Counterproductive to the shape I'm in? The experience would push me over the edge. Also I have SEVERE sleep issues and I never slept in there, I truly came out sicker than I'd even been in my life, much much sicker. I don't think many people understand that a person will eventually mentally unravel without sleep as well as physically break down.
I suppose the worst of it is that there was no help there. No counselling. I left with nothing and worse than before going in. I was shocked there was zero help in there. It's a holding coral, that's all. For people with bipolar or schizophrenia it's there for a purpose, they get them on meds, stabilize them and send them home. Suicidal and C-PTSD or PTSD? They hold you for a while and let you go.
I most certainly would die before any hospitalization occurred again.
I've called crisis a couple times before. Once they told me to go to bed. (Not kidding.) The other time while on the phone with them .... I thought they had figured out where I was ( and was going to exit this world) so I had to hang up with them.
I wish I COULD call someone who could help.

I guess when I was thinking about the term 'suicidal ideation' I was thinking suicidal obssessed. Suicidal ideation is a term that means contemplating suicide but not willing to act on it (that's my understanding). I think mine goes beyond that. It's obsession and willingness. I suppose I should start a post... It's so dreadful though.

Sorry Willy for writing so much on your post, I'll start a s. obssessed post and people can respond to me there.

 

[Tinyflame]

Also there was a comment about 'much revealed too soon', not sure where or what that was about. Post didn't even seem to be in response to anything I said... No problem though. People misunderstand people.)

I'm sorry, that was me, I did misunderstand. I took it from this:

I don't know about any of you but for myself I know that at this point I'd unravel or end up in the hospital if I had to start over with a (less skilled) therapist.. I'd crack from re-living all the trauma from re-telling alllllll the lifetime of traumas to someone new.

but in retrospect you didn't say the original work felt de-stabilizing. I'm sorry.

I hope you will be able to get some assistance.