Suicide Planning And What It Says About Yourself

[faraway]

I hope it's okay talking about this here. I've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts lately and I don't have anyone to talk to aside from my therapist. This isn't about specific method of suicide, more about the way I plan the scenario or moment in my head, and about its relationship with an aspect of my personality that I don't understand.

I noticed how when thinking about planning the act, I first think about the types of personal belongings that I'd have to destroy. I would have to destroy all my letters, writing, journals and art, and maybe a few of the books and some of the music that I own. I would definitely also get rid of legal documents and other paperwork like that. I would destroy anything that I felt would help people to know who I am in any real sense.

Then I would go some place where I knew no one and no one knew me and do it quietly and alone in a room. Maybe rent a cottage in the wilderness or another country or something. The point being that I want as few people as possible to know that I did it and for me to just quietly slip away from the memory of everyone who has known me. I would love it if my body could be completely unidentifiable - that I was just a Jane Doe who took her own life in some remote place, but I know that's unrealistic. I certainly wouldn't leave a note or anything. I don't want anything of me to remain.

On reflection, what I find interesting about this is how it completely reflects this massive fear I have about being noticed / watched. Even in therapy, I have to use my coat and scarf like a blanket in order to be able to communicate anything, and even then, I have to fight with the urge to put them over my head and curl up underneath them. I just have this massive desire to not be seen. In everyday life this is also shown by the fact that I draw as less attention to myself as possible. I walk really fast, don't linger anywhere, rarely go out, and try very hard to downplay my femininity (don't wear make-up, high-heels, or dresses, etc). I just want to pass through life trace-less.

(This is, however, confused by some other, less powerful urge, which says that I should try to do good with my life. But that urge is almost always shot down by self-hatred arguments.)

Anyway, I suppose I wondered if other people who have suicidal thoughts also noticed that it reflects a key aspect of their personality like that? (Or did.) I am wondering that if I ever understand why I am so afraid of being seen/noticed, maybe the suicidal thoughts will stop? Thoughts?

 

[The Albatross]

Interesting topic, and inciteful Faraway that you observe in yourself some of the deeper aspects of the ideation and what impressions it gives you.

I couldn't have told you this at the time I had suicidal ideation... but in hindsight can share some. I had a place picked out, and similar to you, was inclined to perhaps be found (my destination was an out of state certain national park) but not be identified easily and perhaps be a Jane Doe. I actually did, in the planning want to leave a note, but I wanted it to be entirely false so that I would increase my chances of not being identified, and began to complusively obsess about my tattoo... concerned that it would ID me anyway.

My ideation when I came out of it revealed a few things. The not wanting to be ID'd, going to another state, and hiking into the area to cap myself... was in my case anger based because I wanted to withhold a service or gathering of family and friends for my demise if I was found and identified before decomposure or discovery. The pattern of my deepest emotional pain were by spouses and family members who professed to "love" me the most. Being a Jane Doe would have been a big "F' you" to my husband and our families. It also in my mind at the time, "protected" me from them. Which is really irrational because if your dead... well there certainly isn't anything to protect is there?

The location, was one that was intensely beautiful for me and had a big connection to my maternal grandparents and even my father... though it was not his most favorite national park. I wanted, to be somewhere I felt most connected to two of the people who loved me unconditionally... but not exclusively or I could have picked other remote locations. I also for some yet unresolved reason was proccupied with that location because my father had been and enjoyed there.

Another aspect, was wanting to hike in off the trails well away from public places and where I had a chance to be food for scavengers (of some use to living things, in my mind) before my body could be discovered. I didn't want to be burned up into ash or filled up with embalming fluid and put in a box. It seemed at the time intensely important that I had a chance for my body to "nourish" something. Provide sustenance for something... I didn't care what, and scatter my bones.

Thinking on it now, I didn't seem to give a damn about destroying anything personal before hand. I was intending to just disappear. My ideation had more to do with how to get to my destination without a trail of any sort and how to get admittance and be in that park for a couple days... bonding, before I did the deed.

What ultimately stopped me... I'm not recalling right now because I haven't written about this before ever, and really have never talked about it. With anybody. I just was afraid of detection or interception before I could die. I'm stuck now... my thoughts are really competing... but not in a bad way.

Great topic.

Edited to add: The aspect of my personality that came to the fore, was what little regard I had at that time for our surviving families and my present husband. Also that I was on a core level still angry and was mourning the absence of the people who loved me "unconditionally". The other aspect that surprised me was wanting to nourish some living thing. Those things moved me forward when I examined them more.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. Also shame and blame avoidance... (rereading) I was intensely preoccupied with not being detected, just disappearing and never being found... wanting to be an unresolved missing person. I guess another aspect of my ideation, now that I'm giving this a voice for the first time ever... would be not wanting closure for my family, perhaps sparing them a little pain by not officially being a suicide... but a total willing abandonment of them in a very final way.

???

Not even sure if this is what you intended for the topic now... but I appreciated it today.

 

[Tinyflame]

(((((Dear Alby)))))), (((((faraway))))).

Dear Alby, maybe trauma re-enactment?? :confused:

That makes sense to me faraway, but not quite sure 'how'. I too feel a need or obligation to disappear, and similar SI-related type of plans. Not for anger, or anyone left behind. Perhaps also more so no one would have to find myself. Yes, I went so have far as to getting rid of momentos, love letters, correspondence, photos of myself, paperwork, any traces, make sure things were in order. Mostly left was the computer and thought I'd be stupid to not leave my rings. Also make sure to get rid of ID.

I don't understand it, but I do relate to the feelings being connected, if that makes sense.

PS, am glad you're both still here. :hug:

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm... if I ever get memories back that will allow me to link any of the above to a specific trauma... I might try it. But having a lot of blank spots and memory fragments... I have the destination on my list of places I would like to visit when I once again am able to travel, and I would like to be able to go there alone and arrange to visit for a week. I am continuing to reduce my risk for suicide... but am not yet no risk or minimum risk.... I still have some work to do on acceptance of our surviving families and my husband (as they are, and as he is) and deal with my internalized rage. But over the past several years it continues to improve.

Because of my risk assessments, I have made not attempt to travel outside of my state for almost 8 years. That will change as I intend to be able to travel this next year.

 

[Tinyflame]

Good Dear Alby :tup: :hug:.

 

[The Albatross]

Off topic, but I have plans to visit 2 destinations as part of my 101 goals in 1001 days. Both destinations are totally new (no emotional connections to locale)... one is with my spouse the other is alone for a meet up possibly this next summer. Sort of my way of floating trial balloons. If these two go well, I may attempt to save for and arrange to revisit that National park, go to the national cemetary where my grandparents are, and my wish is to go alone and journal or write the whole entire time.

 

[faraway]

Thanks so much for engaging, Albatross and Junebug. You understood me correctly, Albatross and reading how you have unpicked yourself was really interesting.

Writing the above sent me into a bit of a panic attack and after, I also realised how my desire to slip away undetected and to leave no trace is because I am convinced that everything is my fault. I've no idea what "everything" is, but it's definitely my fault and it makes me an incredibly bad person. (I have no memories before about age 13.) I'm currently battling with an urge that is making me want to quit therapy before my therapist figures out that it is all my fault and becomes angry with me for wasting his time. Rational me that can understand these things is losing strength to this emotional demon that sends me into a tailspin.

I also have fantasies about giving my body back to the earth, Albatross. I do sometimes consider leaving one thing behind: a will stating I must be given a 'green funeral'. No more than that.

 

[The Albatross]

You're welcome (?) :O_o: Basically I threw out my impressions and this really is a first attempt to communicate what my thoughts were about the intended actions and ideation motivations seemed to be. I rather surprised myself that I could actually write about it, truth be told... especially where people could read it. (progress)

I will say I think it's important to look at underlying motivations though think it's more beneficial to do so when ideation is absent or has been effectively taken off of the table. I kept doing suicide risk assessments about every 6 months. I have done the work to no longer be high risk... or even moderate risk. Though I still do have a risk, it is very unlikely as it has very narrow parameters and is situational.

 

[Tinyflame]

Faraway, I can entirely relate to that. Except for having a funeral. But the 'rational me losing out to the emotional demons'- exactly. I feel sane except for that.

Come to think of it, I thought of going way out of town, to where I almost drowned as a kid. Make it like an accident, of course. Then out of the blue a friend offered to drive me anywhere (out of town, there exactly if I wanted it), and pick me up after, just so I could have a 'holiday'. I strongly wonder(ed) if that was indication it was a choice I should make (do it).

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't mean you should, btw!

((((((Big Hugs)))))

 

[The Albatross]

I resolved the splitting (rational me versus emotional me) by choosing to let my rational and/or wise mind direct the internal dialogue... emotional me has a say... but is not in charge of the direction or length of the "discussion". I learned that and it has served me well.

Stick with therapy... I guarantee it is worth the effort to stick it through. Honest.