Suicide Planning And What It Says About Yourself

[The Albatross]

(((I'm glad you are still here too Junebug)))

 

[faraway]

I'm glad you didn't take it as a sign, Junebug. It was and is not!

Rational me has had control of the reins for the last 7 years, but it's definitely been losing grip for the last year and I think the EMDR yanked them out of one of my hands. I feel very precarious. If the horse bucks, it's over. :/

I told my therapist that I feel that I am to blame for whatever it is that I can't remember and that I am afraid of wasting his time because of this, but he seemed to be say that it was common to feel that way, it didn't mean that I was bad. It's hard to believe him though.

 

[The Albatross]

Faraway... on the "choosing" thing. I learned in REBT and CBT... and by practical application that 26-28 days creates a new habit, 6 months a new behavior. The formula for success is conscious choosing/directing and action with the P's... practice, patience, persistence, perserverance. I made it my hobby to learn and attempt the skill set for about two years before I found this forum. And I think I've been here close to two years now. I don't have suidical ideation or random suicidal thoughts or urges anymore. It can happen.

 

[faraway]

I was clear of them for the last 7 years, but no more. I think that's because I didn't address the elephant in the room. I'm hoping I have the strength to address it now, and don't bolt like I feel the urge to.

 

[The Albatross]

Be patient... it is learning or relearning a skill set and reestablishing some trust in competency and yourself. EMDR may have made you feel you lost the reins, but to continue with the horse analogy... staying on the horse if it bucks, startles, or bolts, is a SKILL SET. Skill sets, can be learned. It can also diffuse some of the fear and anxiety if you pause to consder that horseback riding, can be a rewarding and enjoyable pastime... once you've reached the competency and have an intermediate rather than beginners skill set. You don't have to learn dressage. ???

 

[The Albatross]

Of hand, the only other part of fear/anxiety reduction I can think of was to write out my "support system". I had two by phone people, a 3D friend, and this forum. If I got into trouble I'd make the call or write a post here and someone would through me a lifeline.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm... the elephant in the room for me had less to do with the trama(s) pain and fear, and more to do with my habitual thinking style and my behaviors. But it's going to be something unique to everyone, I expect.

 

[faraway]

I'll definitely not be learning dressage, I'm far too much of a hooligan for that. ;)

I think the elephant in the room for me is all that which I can't remember, all the stuff I can remember (I have had a large amount of negative adult experiences but try to pretend like it's not a big deal), and a crappy thought process as well.

I like what you said about skill sets and rational me says that sticking with my therapist is the ultimate skill set lesson. I can feel emotional me receding by reading what you say, so thanks again Albatross. :)

I have unfortunately succeeded in alienating myself 100% and have no support system aside from my therapist and my cat (heh!). I have friends in other countries, but none in this one. I don't want to bother my friends elsewhere since I know that they'd be really worried for me and feel impotent for being so far away and unable to help directly, and I don't want to put them through that. My therapist did say I could contact him as often as I wanted, so there is that. And here. You and Junebug have been a great help today. Thanks. :)

 

[The Albatross]

Well... asking your T if a support group of any type is available, when you're ready might be a good thing in the interim, and as you progress... restoring some relationships or finding new healthier ones can happen. A lot of courage can come from establishing and being open to USE a support network. The forum here is a good place for that... it's open practically 24/7/365... like an all night diner. There is no shortage of support and acceptance here.

You took a big step and were willing to be vulnerable today (for someone who is inclined to want to hide under a blanket during therapy) in order to communicate and receive feedback for something that was noteworthy for you. I think you're a good deal braver and ready for progress than you give yourself credit for. :tup: ;):hug:

I'm intrigued by the topic... I wonder what others may come forward to share.

 

[faraway]

I'm intensely private, so I don't think a support group is something I could do. The only reason I can post here is because of the anonymity, but a part of me is still paranoid that someone reading this will figure out who I am. :/

There are no relationships to restore here as I never had any. This is pretty much the worst country I have ever lived in for so many reasons, most of them nothing to do with me. I am moving by the latest of September of next year, so I look forward to making new connections then.

I'm intrigued by the topic... I wonder what others may come forward to share.

I hope they do.

 

[The Albatross]

Faraway... I had a caveat in there "when you are ready". Perhaps further examination of the idea of "not wanting to bother my friends". That's what friendships are for... to be of mutual benefit for each other and to advocate and protect each other... not just to enjoy happy times or innane chatter. With skype and other mediums... it is alot easier now.

The three (actually I just remembered a 3rd one) women who mentored me via phone I met on recovery forums and have actually never met. All three are out of state. And their mentorship was a large part of my recovery. I have a by phone friend now whom I've never met now, but do think of her more as a friend and peer than a mentor.

It can be a self defeating and isolating core belief that is giving you blow back. Just something to reconsider either on your own or with your T... or even here at the forum in an anonymous medium. People, human beings... are social creatures. If your in an isolated environment in your present circumstance, to fill the need of connection to others... a support system even via multimedia can be immensely beneficial.

I forgot that part of my "support system" is two check in groups online a core bunch of people I never met but are part of my relapse prevention check in. I am accountable to them (have been for about 3 years now)... If I disappear, they message me. They are all people most of whom I may never meet... but they are all part of my support system.

Don't want to overload you... message me if you ever need to though okay? Recovery is hard enough without someone to walk with you and even share a bit of the load now and again or give you encouragement.

 

[faraway]

I agree with everything you say here: I know that I have done this to myself (the isolation) and I know that I do serve to maintain it by the way I process things. However, I'm not ready to deal with the aspect of trust necessary to make connections with new people or to burden my friends. Also, to feed back to the original topic, my withdrawal from people is part of the planning process of slipping away without a trace. I see all that but at this point, I'm not interested in changing it. Not until I can figure out what that bloody elephant is.

Thanks for your offer, you are very kind. :)