Suicide Planning And What It Says About Yourself

[The Albatross]

I can completely understand that... for a time. I'm just saying in an oblique way... to reduce your risk factors when you are ready, and in the meantime allow the "idea" to just be there... no pressure.

The acknowledgment that your withdrawl from people is part of your planning is a significant one I think too.

I have way monopolized your topic... and will give way and hope some others will come forward to share. No kidding... you kicked the door open by your opening post for me in a way that I could think about the ideation without freaking myself out. Thank you for that.

 

[faraway]

I'm pleased that I could help you since you have been so helpful to me. :)

 

[quaintpapercut]

faraway - your post brought tears to my eyes because its something that resonates so deeply for me. I've become very suicidal of late and they are thoughts that I consider very private and mine alone. I'm not scared of death at all and consider the thought of suicide as something that would be wholly and completely for me. Similar to your thoughts I want to cease to exist and no longer want my physical body or energy to be present any longer. In some weird way it feels like a dignified way to treat myself - perhaps because I feel as though so many indignities have happened to me?

Thanks for posting this.

 

[faraway]

(((quaintpapercut))) I am not sure what best to say, but I hope my post was helpful to you. I'm sorry that you feel this way too. :(

 

[quaintpapercut]

It was helpful to me because its brought me a bit out of the shadows :). I have these thoughts but I have never really challenged or tried to understand my suicidal ideation. I have a lot of suicidal thoughts but I NEVER talk about them and I think its because I've always had to fend for myself . Every time something bad would happen I would always deal with it independently - from child to adult hood. Right now I feel like something "bad" is happening in my own internal world but I am resorting to old coping mechanisms by withdrawing and dealing with it on my own.

I can't even talk to my therapist about these thoughts but your post provided some insight and depth on how I can approach the topic without just having to blurt out that I'm suicidal (which I wouldn't do anyways).

 

[faraway]

Oh god: are you myself talking to myself??!?!!!! ;) Talk to your therapist. I've just written another epic to mine expressing a very, very deep and core fear. We can both start to overcome our tendency to withdraw and fend for ourselves today. (((hugs)))

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Personally I don't think you want to die. The *idea* of dying is comfortable as you'd be pain free, but you've set up 1,000 obstacles to suicide in that you have to destroy everything personal, you have to go far away, etc. You'll never get past all of these mental obstacles.

I've attempted more times than I can count. More than once it should have been successful. It was all impulsive, nothing was planned other than the mode of action. And even that was only moments in advance.

 

[faraway]

I don't think you've quite understood the point of the post, SoL.

 

[maddog]

This thread has moved me very deeply this morning as I have read it from start to finish. I feel like the unknown fellow patron in the 24-hour diner, sitting off to the side listening to the quiet conversation with a mix of relief and shyness - relief at being in the shadows to listen undisturbed, shyness because there's so much I want to say, and so much uncertainty about what that is, or how to say it...

Never in my life have I battled with the reality and instability of my existence as intensely as I have in the past few weeks, and this is in spite of having made previous attempts on my life. I have spent a long time being too ashamed and afraid of my ideation to speak about it, or even to engage with what it is telling me or why it's here.

I guess the reasons why are a separate topic. Like you Faraway, there is an elephant on my table too, and its identity, other than being an elephant, remains a mystery to me too. My psychiatrist thinks I have a whole compartment of as-yet-unretrieved memories of horror that is on the verge of becoming known to me. My T thinks it is a deep well of emotion associated with the trauma I do recall - emotion I am too afraid to allow myself to access. Mostly I agree with my T. Occasionally I am scared my psychiatrist is right. Sometimes - sometimes I don't know, and those are the worst of the ideation times.

I share some of your preoccupations about the need to disappear inconspicuously and with anonymity. I am more afraid of the aftermath of my death than of my death itself. My death feels almost irrelevant by comparison. I don't want people to have to come to my funeral. I am afraide of what people who care about me would say about me. I am afraid of my family harassing people I care about. I am afraid of everyone having to bother...

I know these things reflect my intense fear of being noticed or causing hassle or hardship to others, and my deep unquenchable yearning for the approval of people I care about. Occasionally I have been aware of a feeling that I couldn't do it without the permission of someone who is integral in my life, and of course that permission would never come. Odd to think that even at my most distressed, the fear of disappointing that person and incurring their disapproval is stronger than my need to be free of my pain.

Oh, and I would need it to be as neat, clean and nontraumatic for the emergency services people who would find me as possible. I'd need to make it obvious it was a suicide, thereby decreasing the need for any more than the rudimentary investigation. I work for the emergency services and know the trauma of working suicides, and I would never want to inflict that on either friends or strangers.

And I think i'd need it to be something that wouldn't do external visible damage to my body. I'd just need to look... normal, as though asleep. I thought a lot about this one and the reasons for it. I thought I didn't know... and then I realised how much I hate and am repulsed by my own body and my physical appearance. In my mind, thanks to my father no doubt, I have an image of myself as repulsive and disgusting, and somehow couldn't bear the thought of contributing further to that repulsive state by doing visible damage or causing external injury to my body.

I think I could think on this stuff all day... and probably shouldn't.

I'm working hard to find the courage to talk to my T about this, and have done so a little bit. I have a friend who is intensely and actively suicidal at the moment and who has recently caused me to have to intervene in a very practical sense to save her life. This has led to numerous discussions between us about the reasons to live or die and the mandatory "why didn't you let me die" discussion after her most serious attempt. I have no doubt that this current context in my life and these conversations are contributing to the intensity of my thoughts, and being close to someone who is so actively acting out so many of my current struggles is very destabilising for me at the moment, to the point at which what remains of my self-protective instinct is beginning to encourage me to distance myself from her.

I need to keep talking to T about it, because he's demonstrated that this is safe and ok, and I think i need someone objective and insightful to be helping me monitor my state of mind about this stuff right now. It feels potentially dangerous and unstable and it's scaring me.

Between my fears of that and my ongoing dread about the elephant on the table, I feel as though the immediate future is a dark ball of fear right now.

I think I'm starting to ramble and think I'll have more to say on this thread, maybe later. I appreciate it on a very deep, very personal level though, so thanks to those who have chatted on this topic through the night and helped me to settle with my thoughts on it to the point at which I could post.

My heart both aches and is warmed for you Faraway - aches for your struggle, but is warmed by your courage and honesty and ability to articulate that which we are taught should never be articulated. Thank you for being here.

Maddog

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you faraway, and Alby too. :hug:. Big ones. :)

Dear faraway, I am intensely private too, and I understand. I never intended on burdening anyone, and I think for me it's just the pain got (gets) too big. Can see EMDR bringing that out, I hope you persevere.

Without being helped (and I could not help myself), I don't think I'd be here. Well for sure. I didn't intend on saying anything. But I try to trust Alby's words, that it's 'ok' to help and protect each other. No, it's good.

I think though also without someone helping I wouldn't be here. Keeping it simple really. So I hope you reach out, when you are ready. I wasn't ready, so I guessed they reached out more than I could. But like Alby said, it's "ok" to protect and help each other- but it never 'feels' ok, when one starts thinking 'burden'.

In a strange way, what helped too, is I think of a bunch of people in history that made it when they shouldn't have, and went on to do great things. I don't think that about myself, but it's sort of like "It's a Wonderful Life", in reverse. Or a 'collarary'. It came to me that an action like that on my part, could plant doubt or cause pain to others, even strangers (through their line of their work, eg cops paramedics). So, even if my life is not that important, but they are doing a lot of good, then it was important for me to recognize and not unintentionally cause them harm. Because I promised not to for the same reason. Knowing I caused (albeit inadvertently) pain or doubt which I couldn't change after the fact would be so horrible. It would be blame with a reason. (And the entire opposite of what I want).

Keep persevering, like Alby said! Am glad you posted also, here is the place to ask such things. If you look at the post (poll) about what percentage have dealt with it, it's the majority.

My friend also pointed out, a long way one can go in a year. :)

((((Hugs)))) to you both. (PS, Alby-I learned dressage and jumping, came so easy to me, lol :roflmao:).

(((((((More Hugs, xox))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry, I missed some posts.

Dear quaintpapercut, absiolutely, my thoughts are (have been) yours.

((((((Dear MD, All))))), I've been so there. But I'm here. I think it can't be broken without help, not at that stage. ((((((Big hugs)))), and every help you need (here included). Xox.

 

[Marine/w/PTSD]

In my 5th grade class, everyone was to draw what they wanted to be. I drew a man alone and anonymous, I had no idea what it meant at the time but it popped into my head.

I do the exact same thing faraway, except the male version, I have some awesome wardrobe that collects dust because I feel more comfortable in rags(basically) not drawing any attention to myself. I walk extremely fast at the malls, buy what I need and get out fast. I have everyday off but I only go out once a week (if that) to buy what I need. I avoid eye contact with anyone who is female. I sit alone at restaurants (I used to feel uncomfortable by this but now I'm numb to it). I wear large jackets during 100 degree weather and sweat profusely.

I used to have suicidal ideations all the time and well I still do but now it's sorta just funny to me because I know i won't do it.

Bottom line, you are not alone faraway.

Thank you for posting that, it was almost like a day in my life except the female version.