Suicide Planning And What It Says About Yourself

[faraway]

Maddog, thank you for your really thoughtful and honest reply. I think it's interesting that several of us seem to be struggling with the same need to fade away inconspicuously. I think grasping these aspects of the ideation will help us to understand aspects to the trauma and its ramifications that elude our consciousness, and in their elusiveness, help perpetuate the suicidal thoughts. Little demons, badgering and pestering us to feel certain ways and wish for certain things. I dunno, it seems to me that I've figured out more today by articulating these things on here and to my therapist that I have in a mighty long time. It helps to look things in their face and try to see what they signify, no matter how ugly they seem.

Junebug, I know you are right and I think my (faraway) friends would be mortified to know that I feel the way I do about being a bother or a burden to them, especially because I have always made sure to be the kind of friend who supports, listens, and takes hold of them. But still, they are all in different countries to the one I currently live in and each have significant problems of their own, so it feels very hard to reach out. (Traditionally, I have always been the stable one for them.) But I was very, very candid with my therapist in an email earlier and managed to express something that I have never said to anyone (including myself) before. I'm quite proud of myself, actually. :D

Marine/w/PTSD, I hope you are getting help with the way you feel? You don't mention it, but I don't think any of us have to resign ourselves to these feelings. I would like for both of us to get the point where we are pleased to be noticed and to process that as a good thing.

Thanks to everyone. It's my bedtime now. :)

 

[a3a2]

I am convinced that everything is my fault. I've no idea what "everything" is, but it's definitely my fault and it makes me an incredibly bad person. (I have no memories before about age 13.) I'm currently battling with an urge that is making me want to quit therapy before my therapist figures out that it is all my fault and becomes angry with me for wasting his time.

faraway, tell him this. I know it is hard, but I think your brutal honesty will really help you. If you can't say it, just copy this quote and give it to him. I have tolp my t these exact same things, as well as "I don't trust you." It really helped to understand why I was feeling those things in order to disengage them.

 

[Tinyflame]

Good for you faraway. :tup: :hug:

I think you must be on to something. The connection, and the 'fading away' part. Certainly well-related to!

I'm glad you communicated re: e-mail, I thnk it's necessary for walls to come down, then it's up to us to recognize what or where or whom it's safe enough to disclose to, and be honest.

Sweet dreams to you, you're very brave to address all of this!

 

[Mary Black]

Your insightful post is much appreciated. The few times I tried to kill myself when I was younger and was still ok with being that self-destructive, I would do it with people nearby, sometimes they were even in the room the whole time. I knew they wouldn't really notice anyway and would sneak a pill anytime their backs were turned--that sort of thing. I guess this mostly reflects how neglected I was. If you've seen "The Royal Tannenbaums" then you can see how I was a lot like the adopted daughter in that movie. It was perhaps a dark personal joke, to see how far I could push that edge where they would not see or acknowledge me.

 

[faraway]

a3a2, the long email I sent him was basically that, but expanded. I found it really humiliating to write it to him, because I felt like I was being a small child and, well, I'm far from that. But then I realised that it was a small child that needed to speak, so I let it speak. I'm starting to think that the most humiliating and cringeworthy feeling will direct me to the exact spot I need to end up in. God, what a crappy journey. :/ I actually told him I didn't trust him - or anyone - last time I saw him as well. I agree that acknowledging the feelings is the only way of controlling/disengaging them.

Junebug, I still don't believe that anyone is safe enough to disclose to, but I tried it with my therapist anyway, so that's a start! :)

Mary Black, I haven't seen the Royal Tenenbaums for ages - I need to rewatch! It's interesting how your actions also make perfect sense in context. :/

 

[maddog]

Faraway, I think that what you have done in finding a way to disclose things to your T, in spite of not trusting or feeling safe with him, takes a lot of courage and deep insight. I know for myself, I doubt I'd have ever evolved naturally to the point of trusting my T enough to share, it's just not something I was capable of achieving on my own. As it happened, some external circumstances that involved actual genuine risk to my life all but forced me to disclose things to him, even when I didn't feel safe or ready, and... nothing bad happened. Actually, good things happened, and so somehow, being forced to leap off that cliff before I was ready was actually the only way I was ever going to get off it.

It was a long time before I actually felt the trust and safety that my actions indicated, a long, long time. But it's important to remember that feeling unsafe and being unsafe are not the same thing, and by sharing with your T, you are acknowledging and acting on that fact. I wish I had had your insight and strength!

And yes, I do agree that the most humiliating confessions and truths are often the most critical to share - it's just one of the many ironic and punishing realities of this journey.

Maddog

 

[faraway]

I think I have a history of pushing myself off of cliffs. I've been self-managing for a long time and this has required an awful lot of bravery and cliff jumping. What I am currently doing with my therapist is a bit of this, so I think I will also have a positive outcome. Whatever nutbag emotional me says, rational me believes that he is good at his job and can help me if I let him.

it's important to remember that feeling unsafe and being unsafe are not the same thing

This is the key in respect to healing. You are utterly right.

 

[Violet03]

I relate to the every one of the feelings and thoughts expressed in this thread. I had one attempt that was completely impulsive. Now I have thought about all the things I want to do first. I have a list of things I want to take care of this time.

Like everyone else, I don't want to be found either. I just want to disappear. Everyone would be better off without me and my pain would be gone. I am glad to know I am not the the only one who thinks this way.

 

[faraway]

You're definitely not alone, Violet03.

 

[faraway]

I just read a really informative article by Janina Fisher on self harm and suicidal ideation, I thought others might find it interesting too: http://www.janinafisher.com/pdfs/selfharm.pdf

I've read several of her articles now, they're all really interesting.

 

[Abstract]

Dear faraway,

I have been meaning to answer this thread but have not yet. I started reading the article and agree with what I read! SI is definitely not manipulating attention or help for me. It has been a way to express to myself what I am feeling at times. Despite myself. And much of it a way to deal with feelings. SU is something I have hidden all my life. Its all about survival isn't it? In a back to front way. I relate a lot to it being about doing it alone and for myself.
I am so impressed that you shared what you did with your T! :tup:

 

[faraway]

I definitely agree that SI is calming and soothing, like she says in that article. I remember cutting being that way for me too.

I am pleased with my communications with my therapist of late. At the same time, my back is utterly against the wall, so I feel very trapped and like he is my only exit. I suppose the real test will be when I feel like I'm more in control and have a handle on things again. I wonder if I'll attempt to do a runner then? When I've got more space in my cup to have experiences again. If I still stick with it then, then I'll feel proper proud. :)