Suicide Planning And What It Says About Yourself

[Abstract]

I think you can be "proper proud" right now! ;):)

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes that article is accurate to what I lived or feel, the couple of pages I've read. Only difference being S for me is not self-soothing but just the worst (and last) of options my mind can toy with. I have to learn there are other options, remember or try.

I think you've really got a lot of insight already faraway! :)

:hug: for All.

 

[faraway]

Thank you both. :)

 

[Addy]

After reflecting back to my most acutely suicidal days, I can relate to much of what's been written. I've lived my whole life tying to hide, or not have anyone else figure out my "secrets." I've masked my depression, and never discussed suicidality prior to trying to end my life. Ironically, I was so depressed that my home had become a disaster area (think of the show Hoarders and you'll get an idea) that I literally could not attempt suicide because I had some semblence of pride. I didn't want anyone to know I had been living that way.

That being said, eventually the pain overtook my pride, and I overdosed on a bottle of extra strength Excedrin and all my psychotropic medications. But you bring up an interesting point. Suicide is a very personal choice, and it does not surprise me that the desire to hide aspects of your 'real' life can actually serve as a reason to live. At the same token, I've often described my life as being like riding on a circular interstate that has only one exit (the suicide exit). I just kept going round and round, nothing changed, ane eventually the "suicide exit" was better than the ride on the interstate.

Now I'm learning that I can create detours off the interstate. Unfortunately, my detours thusfar have all eventually led back to the circular intestate. But maybe just maybe, one day one of those detours will branch off and lead down a different path; a healthier one that doesn't involve a "suicide exit?" Because in all honesty, I still have suicidal thoughts daily. The only difference between then and now, is that I want that to change. I want to live a healthier and happier life. I can only pray that it is attainable. Anyone else relate?

 

[faraway]

For me it's less that I am on a circular path, and more that I have deviated so far off the path that I want/ed and have failed at every attempt to get onto a path - any path - that I would like, that makes me think about taking the 'suicide exit.'

Sometimes I feel like I turn the path into one that I want, or manage to merge onto another one, that I feel good again (usually this means I move countries). But, then I suddenly find myself back on the same path, having the same life, all over again and back come the thoughts.

I think I'm like a homing pigeon or something - no matter what I consciously try to do (and I genuinely do make an awful lot of effort to try to make myself have the kind of life that I want), I end up in the same place. I am hoping that this therapy will retrain my little guidance mechanism and that the home I end up in this time, will be the one I actually want. Here's hoping.

 

[Abstract]

I think for me it isn't about me not liking my life that precipitates SU. It is being in too much pain to cope. It is feeling trapped and that there is no way out. Feeling cornered in my painful state and that nothing will change it. Feeling like there is no out is very unhelpful for me.

I have heard some people say that SU almost has a romantic aspect for them or that it is a way of saying something to those left behind. Sometimes even a gesture of anger. That has never been something that I have thought. I am not "saying" anything. I just want to get off the ride and it all to stop. And I am ashamed of SU.

Faraway, I relate very much to your thoughts about disappearing. I just wanted to disappear. And my pain to stop with it.

But there are different levels of SU for me. There is the imminent SU which comes from the above. Then there are different levels of it right down to the automatic thoughts that really are just thoughts and almost a knee jerk reaction. I think this too is an expression of pain and wanting to not be here but little more than that. The milder stuff is what I mostly deal with these days. I have developed ways to try to head off it getting to the other level for me most of the time. Making sure I am connected to what I am feeling is really important and knowing where it is coming from too. Making sure I don't feel trapped. Re framing things so that I can see an out even if I don't believe it. Not thinking too far ahead and not getting caught up in imagining things are different. The contrast to reality is too hard and painful. Reminding myself of others who have found a way through. It is only in the last two years that I am better at doing this. SU is still a constant in my life but not in the way it was. The most imminent SU now seems to come along for the ride with flashbacks. I deal with that by reminding myself of that fact.

Faraway,
There were many other things I did to try to disappear. I also wore clothes 10 sizes too big. I would not put make-up on ever. If I could have worn a paper bag over my head I am sure I would have. Apparently on of the things I said a lot on the past was "don't look at me" whilst hiding behind a hand. I think I thought if I was really still and if noone saw me that I would be safe. Whatever that means.

I have considered asking the psychiatrist if can sit with my back facing him or behind a door if I actually manage to get myself in there. Sure way to create attention rather than dispel it though. :p

 

[faraway]

I am SO the same way regarding being seen. I get really, really anxious and/or angry and/or afraid if I feel that someone is watching me. I used to yell at my martial arts instructors to stop looking at me in class. LOL. They were like, "how the hell else are we going to teach you if we can't observe how you do things?" Dear god, I'm laughing but it's not actually funny.

SI is definitely about being trapped for me. It's not that I don't like my life, but that I am trapped in a space that I don't want to be in. That might sound like the same thing, but it's not.

 

[Abstract]

Faraway,

I tried to put an avatar up but lasted a few hours and then took it off again. :rolleyes::meh:

I have a zero tolerance approach with myself with clothes etc these days. I should not be hiding or feeling like I need to. Some days it is still hard but it has improved a lot.

That martial arts instructor must have been disconcerted! Lol.

 

[faraway]

I hate pictures of myself (I can't even look in mirrors), so no avatars for me! I think the teachers thought I was nuts. :/