Hello, I joined this forum in hopes of finding more support. My family and Dr. are doing their best. I know I want to find forgiveness for myself and others. But I feel held back and trapped by my past.
My problems started at the end of 6th grade when a close friend hung himself. I didn't witness his death but after that I started complaining of headaches and stomachaches. I started wetting the bed and having nightmares. Throughout middle school I continued to have these problems.
I took various SSRI's for one year in the 10th grade and they all made me feel terrible. Without emotion.
After I stopped taking prescription medications I began to use cannabis on a daily basis. I also started taking LSD every few months, more and more frequently. My parents hated the cannabis, but were unaware of the LSD. My family argued weekly for about 2 years. Then in 12th grade my parents and I both calmed down and got along.
They continued to fight with my older brother, and one day they decided to kick him out. A week before I had expressed concern, after they threatened to kick my brother out, that they may kick me out as well. They reassured me that everything was fine and they would never kick me out. On the day they kicked my brother out. I was woken up told I had to leave, the police are already on their way.
The police took me and my bags to a friends house. I didn't fight them. But after an hour at my friends house I was so angry I went back home and had a fight with my parents, I broke some drywall and a door. They called the police again and decided to charge me. I wouldn't have been held in custody but I was in a state of shock and rage. The court Dr. ordered a 4 week observation period which as a minor of 17 my parents approved of.
I spent 4 weeks in juvenile detention, a horrible experience where I met oppressive guards and aggressive inmates. I would have one phone call a week where I would call home and my parents would tell me how peaceful and nice it was without me. After 5 one hour sessions with the court Dr. he concluded I was not psychotic and I was released.
I have lived with my parents ever since and it's been a constant mental strain. They say they will never do that again and they love me. But after such a betrayal I struggle to believe or feel at ease.
3 years passed and I continued to use cannabis daily, the occasional LSD every few months.
My friends and I planned a hiking trip where we would take LSD, during the hike one of my friends lost his sense of self and who we (his friends) were. He began pacing and looking afraid, he did this for 2 hours while we sat by a large rock on the hiking trail. He would come in and out of awareness, suddenly he ran and fell down a hill close to the oceans edge. We followed after but while we were climbing down he looked back and said "what the f*ck guys?" then turned and walked into the ocean. The undertow was powerful and there were whirlpools that sucked him under quickly. We watched in horror as he started swimming out to sea then decided to turn and come back to us. But the ocean was so strong and the rocks were slippery. He drowned within minutes. As we watched his face down body go out to sea and disappear, we waited another 2 hours for rescue teams to arrive and find his body.
The police investigation afterwards was painful, I was already reliving the experience every night. We were accused of plotting to murder our friend. But after they looked into our phone records and found no evidence they stopped.
I started abusing drugs after that, amphetamines, alcohol, MDMA mostly. Struggling with nightmares, recurring images, constant anxiety, hopelessness, guilt, thoughts of suicide, exc.
A year and a half after my friend had drowned I was with a mutual friend who wasn't there during his death. This guy was a liar and causing me problems so I told him that we can't be friends anymore. He wasn't listening to me he was rambling on about our dead friend so I got in his face and shouted at him.
He assaulted me, gave me a concussion. I never swung an arm at him. But while he was hitting me he said things like "you're trying to replace our dead friend." or "you killed our dead friend."
Since then my PTSD symptoms got even worse and I began drinking everyday. I was a wreck and barely held a part time. 3 Years after my friends drowning and 2 years after drinking everyday. I decided to go to the Dr. who has since diagnosed me with PTSD. I stopped drinking and have been prescribed clonazepam.
I find that I am feeling better overall but there are underlying issues I'm not addressing. I am on a long waiting list for a psychologist. I don't want to take SSRI's because they caused sexual side effects that persisted for years after.
Thanks for reading, I know it's complex, I've seen a therapist in the past 3 months but he would just say things like "that's understandable."
It was causing me a lot of stress to keep bi-weekly appointments. I'm hoping for a psychologist with more experience. But maybe someone can give me advice.
My problems started at the end of 6th grade when a close friend hung himself. I didn't witness his death but after that I started complaining of headaches and stomachaches. I started wetting the bed and having nightmares. Throughout middle school I continued to have these problems.
I took various SSRI's for one year in the 10th grade and they all made me feel terrible. Without emotion.
After I stopped taking prescription medications I began to use cannabis on a daily basis. I also started taking LSD every few months, more and more frequently. My parents hated the cannabis, but were unaware of the LSD. My family argued weekly for about 2 years. Then in 12th grade my parents and I both calmed down and got along.
They continued to fight with my older brother, and one day they decided to kick him out. A week before I had expressed concern, after they threatened to kick my brother out, that they may kick me out as well. They reassured me that everything was fine and they would never kick me out. On the day they kicked my brother out. I was woken up told I had to leave, the police are already on their way.
The police took me and my bags to a friends house. I didn't fight them. But after an hour at my friends house I was so angry I went back home and had a fight with my parents, I broke some drywall and a door. They called the police again and decided to charge me. I wouldn't have been held in custody but I was in a state of shock and rage. The court Dr. ordered a 4 week observation period which as a minor of 17 my parents approved of.
I spent 4 weeks in juvenile detention, a horrible experience where I met oppressive guards and aggressive inmates. I would have one phone call a week where I would call home and my parents would tell me how peaceful and nice it was without me. After 5 one hour sessions with the court Dr. he concluded I was not psychotic and I was released.
I have lived with my parents ever since and it's been a constant mental strain. They say they will never do that again and they love me. But after such a betrayal I struggle to believe or feel at ease.
3 years passed and I continued to use cannabis daily, the occasional LSD every few months.
My friends and I planned a hiking trip where we would take LSD, during the hike one of my friends lost his sense of self and who we (his friends) were. He began pacing and looking afraid, he did this for 2 hours while we sat by a large rock on the hiking trail. He would come in and out of awareness, suddenly he ran and fell down a hill close to the oceans edge. We followed after but while we were climbing down he looked back and said "what the f*ck guys?" then turned and walked into the ocean. The undertow was powerful and there were whirlpools that sucked him under quickly. We watched in horror as he started swimming out to sea then decided to turn and come back to us. But the ocean was so strong and the rocks were slippery. He drowned within minutes. As we watched his face down body go out to sea and disappear, we waited another 2 hours for rescue teams to arrive and find his body.
The police investigation afterwards was painful, I was already reliving the experience every night. We were accused of plotting to murder our friend. But after they looked into our phone records and found no evidence they stopped.
I started abusing drugs after that, amphetamines, alcohol, MDMA mostly. Struggling with nightmares, recurring images, constant anxiety, hopelessness, guilt, thoughts of suicide, exc.
A year and a half after my friend had drowned I was with a mutual friend who wasn't there during his death. This guy was a liar and causing me problems so I told him that we can't be friends anymore. He wasn't listening to me he was rambling on about our dead friend so I got in his face and shouted at him.
He assaulted me, gave me a concussion. I never swung an arm at him. But while he was hitting me he said things like "you're trying to replace our dead friend." or "you killed our dead friend."
Since then my PTSD symptoms got even worse and I began drinking everyday. I was a wreck and barely held a part time. 3 Years after my friends drowning and 2 years after drinking everyday. I decided to go to the Dr. who has since diagnosed me with PTSD. I stopped drinking and have been prescribed clonazepam.
I find that I am feeling better overall but there are underlying issues I'm not addressing. I am on a long waiting list for a psychologist. I don't want to take SSRI's because they caused sexual side effects that persisted for years after.
Thanks for reading, I know it's complex, I've seen a therapist in the past 3 months but he would just say things like "that's understandable."
It was causing me a lot of stress to keep bi-weekly appointments. I'm hoping for a psychologist with more experience. But maybe someone can give me advice.
Last edited by a moderator:
