Relationship Support Needed

[amethist]

I had plans about how I was going to be as a mother. The things I would teach her, the kind of mother I would be. I lost sight of that. That will be my focus. Not him. I can't be the mother I want to be to her without fixing myself so her and I both win.

Come on Livy's mom get those red wonder women knickers and and look after yourself and your daughter now.

Do this for the sanity of you and your daughter.

If he sees the light and realises his mistakes and fixes them in the future, then good. If not at least you will have built up your own strength to carry on.

 

[p-no]

made me feel both empowered and awful

My own looking at myself, my real factual self, not the one I felt I was or wanted to be, has been my greatest motivator to change. I'm not done, by all means. But looking at me, like you did, it seems to me, I saw the real me, and that what you seem to call awfulness empowered me to become who I have wanted to be. As said, by all means, I'm not done, but I'm on that road and it's one worth travelling for sure.

My opinion and experience is that you (generally speaking) will take advice only once you have really fully grasped what has been going wrong. In order to do so (fully grasp what you've been doing wrong (because "you" are the only one in control of)), you need to look at yourself with open eyes, an open mind and soul. And that can hurt deeply. But at the same time it can be a plane on the runway at an airport and the hurt can cause the engines to fire up and get you going in a direction you want to go.

I am sorry you are hurting, Livy's Mom. Sincerely.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Well.... I decided I would pop on over to supporter self management today rather than supporter relationships or something like that since I'm trying to shift my focus to myself.

What an eye opener that was! Today I learned I am codependent. No question about it. Reading Nicolette's thread was like a giant slap in the face.

I feel pretty excited to have identified something that I can say wow yes that is me and yes I can address that starting TODAY. I also got pretty pissed.

After 10 years in therapy where my T knew my entire family history 1. alcoholic father 2. Precious divorce from an alcoholic/drug abuser 3. Previous relationship with a habitual cheater 4. My own weight issues 5. Current relationship with alcoholic/PTSD Sufferer who keeps leaving my daughter and I.

I don't maybe codependency might have been something she would have brought up???!!!!

 

[p-no]

Great you switched your focus!!!

I wondered about the same thing and it pissed me off big-time. I asked my therapist about it and she said that she did tell me. We then figured out that she had been talking about the symptoms of codependency (just to mention one of my challenges), but I would have needed her to actually "slap me in the face" with the diagnosis, the actual term, i.e. "You are codependent!".

So, to her, it was not so important whether those symptoms added up to the diagnosis (so to speak) "codependency"; for her it was by far more important to address the issues, those individual items of codependency, so I could change them. Me, it would have helped me tremendously if she had just once stated the diagnosis ("You are codependent!") because only then would I have come to understand the extent to which I was in that all! I do know why I am that way and I am that way with all things. And she is like she is.

So, to her, the diagnosis doesn't really matter. That is because, true enough, a word for "it" does not change anything per se. It also doesn't really matter if e.g. a biological father (mine) is abusive because he is an alcoholic and drug abuser and has never been any different or if he is a highly-decorated veteran who's untreated PTSD and has aggressive fits towards you. At the end of the day, they're both abusive and what you want is OUT of the abuse.

 

[Livy's Mom]

I am the EXACT same way. I'm sure my T spoke of many of the symptoms but I too needed to hear the word "codependency". I swear the moment I read the word followed by the explanation of symptoms I felt a shift.

I'm not sure why I needed it to happen this way but who cares! I feel like I just opened a door.

I read a few posts yesterday and comments where people spoke about finding out about what is wrong with you that causes you to choose these types of partners/situations. I knew that this was what I needed to do but I had absolutely no clue how. Now I know

I'm sure it will not be quick or easy but I do know that I am a very strong and determined woman and THIS I can do. THIS IS WITHIN MY CONTROL!!!

I have such a smile on my face

 

[p-no]

:) I think I know very well about that "I just opened a door". Make sure to keep it open! Denial is a mighty power, sadly. Well, at least as far as I'm concerned.

If you'd like some books on the topic (why do we choose these types..., what can we do..., etc.) let me know. I have read and worked through some and they were excellent. They have helped me keeping that door open, so I would not fall back (one of the book is called "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl").

Best, best, best, best wishes!

 

[nursenurse]

Congrats, Livy's Mom! those "Ah Hah!" moments are the best. One person who was influential in the direction I took with my life once I left the Ex Boy said " Look for that crack in the door, and go through it. And never look back." I wish the same for you. God bless!

 

[Dandelion]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm glad you're finding much needed support. Fortunately, my situation isn't as dangerous (no drinking issues, etc), but I know what you mean about walking on eggshells just for the sake of keeping the peace. It gets old. Even though I know I shouldn't be doing it, I'm afraid of exactly what you described - that one day he's just going to choose to pack up and leave me behind so that he continue his self destructive behavior without my trying to change it.

For what it's worth, I think it's always harder to set your boundaries when you're trying to keep a family together. I don't have children myself, but a dear friend of mine went through many years in a horrible marriage because she wanted to keep her family together and thought things could change. I remember her entire family constantly telling her how bad her husband and his habits were and how she needed to kick him out and move on. Because she was getting that advice from all angles, I tried to be the friend that just listened and didn't judge or tell her what I thought she should do. I knew she'd reach her breaking point on her own terms and she did.

They got divorced, and she went through the painful process of healing. Over time, she started focusing on herself, developed a new outlook on life, got herself back in school, found a career she loves, and is an amazing mother. Her ex husband just continued to spiral out of control and is now in and out of jail. I know she used to wonder what might've been if he'd tried to turn himself around, but that is clearly not a path he was willing to take and she found a way to accept it for what it is. In turn, she and her son have done amazingly well for themselves once they were able to reach that acceptance.

Despite all of the advice you get from people close to your situation, the point at which you decide enough is enough is personal and only you know when you're there. It sounds to me like you're there. Sorry for being lengthy, I just wanted to share because your situation sounded similar to what my friend went through and I wanted to offer empathy and tell you that it can get better - much, much better. She is an inspiration to me and I'm sure you will be inspiration to others as you pick yourself up and regain your independence :)

 

[Livy's Mom]

I wanted to thank everyone for your responses and words of encouragement. I've gotten a few of the books recommended and started reading already.

I spoke to "the" sufferer ( notoce i dodnt say "my" hahaha) last night and for the first time in a long time when the conversation was over it was just over. I didn't obsess over it or throw myself around like a tag doll praying for the earth to swallow me up. Lol.

I felt ok. Something happened yesterday with you all that just as I said opened a door. I don't know where I am going or what will happen with him but I absolutely know that I am going to be just fine.

I started reading codependent no more last night and I can't wait to see just how kick ass I become.

So much love Fromm to all of you. :)