Been reading this forum for a while and it's been very helpful. First time posting.
I've been in an official relationship with my partner for about six months with a period of dating (and ghosting) prior along with a very slow start with months to pick up. It's a long story I won't bore you all with the details. He has textbook CPTSD/PTSD symptoms and fearful avoidant attachment — all of which I learned about in my own journey (I'm not a major trauma survivor but am healing from other mental health / emotional neglect etc things) yet as far as I know he's unaware of both CPTSD/PTSD and attachment theory and is untreated. About a month ago, he told me a piece of his trauma story but in a round about way and that's been the only mention. Once he told me, all of his actions clicked immediately for me (as I had been reading up on stuff and I had suspected prior to him telling me).
I thought he would pull away after opening up but the opposite happened and we were much closer for a couple of weeks. (All during quarantine so we weren't seeing each other.)
His isolation periods started last year as we got closer and this year while officially dating are still there. We've talked about them, he says it's not personal etc and I've learned to not take them personal. I'm really independent and working to be secure, so it's not a huge issue for me if I know it's not about me.
Earlier this year I communicated (while drinking so I know that doesn't totally count) that I needed time spent, for him not to ignore my texts, and I ask him to let me in. The ignoring of texts completely stopped for about 2 1/2 months and overall communication was better, but has recently started back up. It started with ignoring my follow ups to see him, and then now has led to a couple of smaller things (which I can get past the smaller things).
But what I'm struggling with is this:
1. Getting together in person (which I'm guessing is in part avoiding sex or avoiding serious conversations as in person we've some talked about his struggles/feelings of himself)
2. Communication / his overall avoidance — it's impossible to have a serious conversation and he's been so dismissive
I'm prepping to have conversation, and I just so strongly feel like how is any of this going to change if he's unaware about these things. It feels weird to know so much that could help and not be able to say anything. He has a lot of the physical symptoms, nightmares, etc. As I know I can't fix or save him, and it's not my role. I've tried to encourage therapy and lead by example. He started meds last year but still no therapy.
So I guess my questions are:
A. Any suggestions or success stories of people bringing attention to the concept of CPTSD/PTSD or attachment? Or is this just totally off the table?
B. What can I do to help him be more comfortable in this discussion and without it coming across as huge pressure which will just shut him down? (I'm naturally very empathic, kind, never yelling, etc)
C. In general, what can I do to help?
I want to be a good partner and supporter, and I care so much. I've tried to do my research (here, videos, The Body Keeps Score, Pete Walker's CPTSD book, etc). But I'm also trying to put up some boundaries so I'm not just continuously dismissed.
Thanks so much for your help.
* addition to ?s in C: In general, what can I do to help yet also express that I feel unimportant and dismissed?
I've been in an official relationship with my partner for about six months with a period of dating (and ghosting) prior along with a very slow start with months to pick up. It's a long story I won't bore you all with the details. He has textbook CPTSD/PTSD symptoms and fearful avoidant attachment — all of which I learned about in my own journey (I'm not a major trauma survivor but am healing from other mental health / emotional neglect etc things) yet as far as I know he's unaware of both CPTSD/PTSD and attachment theory and is untreated. About a month ago, he told me a piece of his trauma story but in a round about way and that's been the only mention. Once he told me, all of his actions clicked immediately for me (as I had been reading up on stuff and I had suspected prior to him telling me).
I thought he would pull away after opening up but the opposite happened and we were much closer for a couple of weeks. (All during quarantine so we weren't seeing each other.)
His isolation periods started last year as we got closer and this year while officially dating are still there. We've talked about them, he says it's not personal etc and I've learned to not take them personal. I'm really independent and working to be secure, so it's not a huge issue for me if I know it's not about me.
Earlier this year I communicated (while drinking so I know that doesn't totally count) that I needed time spent, for him not to ignore my texts, and I ask him to let me in. The ignoring of texts completely stopped for about 2 1/2 months and overall communication was better, but has recently started back up. It started with ignoring my follow ups to see him, and then now has led to a couple of smaller things (which I can get past the smaller things).
But what I'm struggling with is this:
1. Getting together in person (which I'm guessing is in part avoiding sex or avoiding serious conversations as in person we've some talked about his struggles/feelings of himself)
2. Communication / his overall avoidance — it's impossible to have a serious conversation and he's been so dismissive
I'm prepping to have conversation, and I just so strongly feel like how is any of this going to change if he's unaware about these things. It feels weird to know so much that could help and not be able to say anything. He has a lot of the physical symptoms, nightmares, etc. As I know I can't fix or save him, and it's not my role. I've tried to encourage therapy and lead by example. He started meds last year but still no therapy.
So I guess my questions are:
A. Any suggestions or success stories of people bringing attention to the concept of CPTSD/PTSD or attachment? Or is this just totally off the table?
B. What can I do to help him be more comfortable in this discussion and without it coming across as huge pressure which will just shut him down? (I'm naturally very empathic, kind, never yelling, etc)
C. In general, what can I do to help?
I want to be a good partner and supporter, and I care so much. I've tried to do my research (here, videos, The Body Keeps Score, Pete Walker's CPTSD book, etc). But I'm also trying to put up some boundaries so I'm not just continuously dismissed.
Thanks so much for your help.
* addition to ?s in C: In general, what can I do to help yet also express that I feel unimportant and dismissed?